Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Perfection

I pulled out a tooth at school today. I made a class full of third graders crack up when I read them a fable about a fox and a crab. It wasn't that great of a story, but I really do the best voices. I got to watch a little girl have a light bulb moment after I explained fact families for the fifth or sixth time. (I wouldn't give up. Base ten blocks finally did the job.) I got to do some correcting. I love correcting. And even more, I love correcting the correcting. And I even had time to do some of that with the kids. A little girl left a note on the teacher's desk that said I was fun. And pretty.

It's easy to forget why I like teaching some days. But days like today are good reminders.

(And P.S. Don't think it was some perfect utopia. I also lost a student, like out of the school, no one knows where she is, we can't find her or her coat, for about 20 minutes. I yelled, seriously YELLED, at least three times because they were so loud they literally couldn't hear me telling them to shut it. I told them to shut it at least... 30 times? 30 wouldn't be an exageration. I found a moldy sandwich in a desk that almost, oh people it was close, had me losing my cookies in the trash can. I seriously considered taping a student to his chair. Someone stole my Halls. I didn't lose them. I left them on the table I was working at, and when I came back after recess they were gone. Teaching is almost never a perfect utopia, but that doesn't mean it's not perfect.)

Monday, November 24, 2014

Your Kisses Always Make My Booboos Better!

They trust me. I don't.

Everytime they say something like, "You're the best mom ever!" I cringe a little. Because I see so many, SO MANY, things I could do better. It hurts to hear them say things like that. I want to tell them they have no idea what a good mom is really like. All I can think is I don't deserve them. And I wish I could be what they think I am.

I suppose all of us moms feel like that. When I look around, I see moms who look like they're doing a better job than I am. I think, "I need to take my kids outside more often, I don't read enough stories to them, I watch to much TV, I play on my computer more than I should, I sleep in when I should be up with them, I get angry too easily, I'm too critical, I don't cook enough nice meals for them..." And on and on.

And worse than those things. I hurt them. I say things in frustration that puts looks on their faces that make me so ashamed. Sometimes they are scared of me. I hate that. I remember being scared of my mom's voice when she was in a mood. I hated that. I felt so... On edge. Like any move could bring down her anger, and I couldn't be sure what it would be. It gives me a sick shakey feeling to think about it. And worse. I've seen that exact same look in my kid's eyes when I'm angry.

Today Hannah fell off her chair at lunchtime. I picked her up and snuggled her and kissed her neck where she hit it on the table. She said what she always says, "Your kisses always make my booboos better." She really thinks that. She has so much faith in me. I hate that I let her down so often.

I don't know what my point is in saying all of this, except it's what came into my head when Hannah said that today. I know some of you are reading this and thinking, she's just being hard on herself, but I'm not. I could do better. I should do better. And I'm running out of time. I won't have them here with me forever. When they leave I need them to know I love them. I need them to know I am on their side. I need them to trust me.

Right now they do. But my actions can either make their faith in me justified, or they can destroy it. They could leave here feeling like they still need to prove themselves to me, to earn my love, to do it on their own. Right now I can still magically kiss away a booboo, but they've got bigger hurts ahead of them in their lives and if I'm not careful they won't come to me with them. They won't trust me because I won't have been worthy of it.

I know what it feels like to lose trust in someone who you thought would always be there for you. I can't do that to them. I'm not saying I can't make mistakes. I know I will. I'm saying I need to remember the faith they have in me when I'm about to break it. I treasure it. It makes me feel unworthy, and sometimes a little sad, but I can't lose it.

It's not that I want them to be dependant on me forever. I want them to trust in themselves. I want them to trust in God. I want them to trust other people. But when they need me, I want them to never feel like I won't be there, or that I will recieve them with anything less that complete love and acceptance. I hope there's always something about coming to me that soothes their booboos the way nothing else does. Because even if I don't deserve to get to be that person, they deserve someone in their lives like that.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

It's Not Unusual

Now this is a story all about how, my life got flipped, turned upside down. I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I almost forgot to post because I was too busy watching (almost) an entire season of Dancing With The Stars in one day.


(True story.)

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Have You Seen This Dip?

Yup. I just posted a picture of dip, so the next time I forget what kind it is all I have to do is a quick "dip" search on here and I'm set. (I've been looking and looking for it since summer. Finally today, Giant Tiger, for the win.

Friday, November 21, 2014

An eBay Day

I have nothing interesting to say.

I spent the day subbing. A little girl told me I looked very gorgeous. (I think she liked my hair. She kept touching it.) A little boy told me I was mean and lay upside down in his desk crying for around ten minutes until he realized I really didn't care. (I make kids cry all the time.)Then I spent the rest of the day/evening online shopping with my cousin Melanie. Here are some of the highlights:


That's the dress that started it all. (Sort of. There was some apline sweater stuff that happened first, but it's not really important.) Mel bought baby Emma one just like it. So we looked and looked to find something to match it for big sister Bella. And we found this dress. An exact match! Hurrah! Only then Mel stopped and thought for a second and figured she should at least try on Bella's dress from last year. And it still fits! And isn't it so pretty?


And Bella looks like a sparkly angel girl in it. The hunt was on for a gold dress for baby Emma to wear. And LOOK! We found an exact. match.


It's fate right? We think so.

In the meantime I typed sweater dress and spent a long time looking for one for Hannah. I saved a whole bunch of them to my watch list. I liked all of them. How would I pick which one. And then something happened that changed everything.


After seeing this dress, that neither Melanie or I had any reason to buy, I decided that everything else I'd looked at was ugly in comparison. I deleted all the dresses I'd saved to my watch list. And looked for a new wall decal for Becca.


Perfecto! Hopefully it gets here in time for me to bring it to her at Christmas. I'll get it shipped straight to Ang. That'll buy me a bit more time.

Of course, Hannah noticed what I was doing and figured she'd like something for her wall too. I wish I could talk her into something else, but who am I to argue with princesses and unicorns. Especially a red haired princess riding a unicorn. Sigh.


And there you have it. My day.

(I still want the dress that I have no reason to buy.)

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Guess Who? (pun intended)


Hannah made this picture all on her own for me today. She knows what Mommy likes. Lots of timey wimey stuff, but maybe next time I'll have to see if she can add a box to go with my madman.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Do Unto Others

I often make meals for people. When they're sick. Or they have a miscarriage. Or they lose a loved one. Or they break their foot. Or I just know they're having a rough go of things. I do it because I remember when I had my babies, and ladies from the church took turns bringing us supper. I remember when Dad was sick, and how it felt when anyone did anything nice. (And how it felt when no one did anything nice at all.)

There is just something about someone doing something, anything at all, that says "I'm with you. I care. I can't fix it, but I can do this one thing for you, and maybe it will help." At least, that's what I'm saying when I send a meal, or flowers, or whatever.

So when someone sends you a meal like this one...


When someone takes the time to ask your kids at church (while she's teaching children's church for you) what you like to eat, and what your kids like to eat, and then makes all of it. (Seriously, ALL OF IT. Lasagna and Kraft Dinner and pizza. Who does that?) Plus a whole bunch of other stuff, like that amazing mandarin and almond salad. And you only have a cold, after all...

You feel loved. And humbled. And determined to look for ways to make someone else feel the way that she made you feel.