Tuesday, May 31, 2005

I'm home... I wish she was.

Tonite my dad and I took in a concert at a street mission in downtown Saskatoon. When we arrived there was this pretty young girl sitting on a wall along the sidewalk, her high heels on the pavement beside her, rubbing her feet. My heart sank within me. A prostitute, literally one block away from salvation. She was still there two hours later when we came out, or maybe she wasn't still there... maybe she was back from wherever she had been taken by some man. I hate to even think of it. She was walking slowly ahead of us... I was so relieved when we didn't catch her before we got to our car. I couldn't face her. I was already crying...
I wanted to grab her and take her home. I wanted to ask her, "What can I do to help you? Tell me what it would take to help you stop having to do this..." I don't know, maybe I should have, tears and all... I'm such a coward.

As we drove away I thought, "Why her God? Why not me? Why did I get to be born into my family and she was born into hers?" I thought about what my life would be like if I had been given her life instead of mine. What about her Mom out there somewhere? When she was born her Mom didn't hold her perfect baby in her arms and wish for a life of desperation and despair for her child. No mother ever hopes her child would one day walk the streets with herself for sale... to anyone who wants her. I can't stop seeing her massaging her aching feet... then later wandering up and down the sidewalk... I've never seen prostitution that closely before. Reality is so brutal and ugly sometimes.

And so Father, I ask you to keep her safe tonite. Please lead her to a place where she can find you. I plead for her soul. Jesus, take her broken heart and bind it up with your love. Bring someone to her who will show her that she is not alone, that she is priceless in your eyes. Help her to learn to love herself as you love her. Be the lover of her soul. Fill her emptiness with your grace and forgiveness. Please, Father, bring her home to you.

Monday, May 30, 2005

Going Home...

Today I am taking a little trip home for some appointments in the "big city". Every time I venture out onto the highways I can't help but wonder if this will be my last day on earth... I hate highway driving... seriously. Ben and I are going by ourselves because Glen has to work. I like it better, and this may seem morbid, when all three of us go together. That way if there is an accident we would probably all die together. For myself, I wouldn't mind so much, (I am pretty sure I will like heaven) but I would hate to leave behind people I love. Glen would be so sad, and stuck all alone in this junk heap we like to call a house. Morbid, I am so morbid... I'm sure we'll be fine.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Happy First Mother's Day... Belated.

I'm posting this today, because I am feeling a bit blue... Sometimes I think back to what I expected from life when I was younger and I can't help but feel disappointed. I used to think I was really something special. As I got older I realized that I am not as smart or as talented as I thought I was. There is always someone better than you... Or me anyways. I found out I am not all that pretty... Or at least not that pretty in the eyes of this world. I thought I was going to be a superstar teacher who would change the world... And I can't even be an average teacher because I can't get a job actually teaching. I thought being married was going to be like it is in the movies, but anyone who is married will tell you (if they're honest) it is mostly hard work. I just thought so many things... And none have them have turned out the way I expected, except one. I am a Mommy and I have a wonderful little person who is depending on me and who I love more with every breath I take. While I was expecting I couldn't help but think, "Becky, prepare yourself, this will probably be just another let down... Don't expect too much," but this is the one thing in my life that has turned out to be MORE than I hoped for.

The trouble is, I know I should be saying this about my walk with God... But I expected way more from Christianity when I was younger, so I wouldn't be completely honest if I said that. I'd like to say knowing Jesus is the one thing that is more than I hoped it would be, but I can't. Hopefully someday...

Still, every now and then He takes me by surprise and sends me something special to tell me He loves me... He sees me... He hasn't forgotten me. On my first official Mother's Day when we left for church we found daffodils blooming in our front lawn. (One of my very favorite flowers.) I think God sent them just for me. (Good thing too because Glen didn't realize that virtually every flower would be sold or reserved the day before Mother's Day so he couldn't get me any, live and learn!)

I may not be all that I dreamed I would be, but the God of the Universe gave me flowers on Mother's Day. Now, if I can just get a hold of that...

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

The Birthday Debacle

Benjamin's very first birthday cake... his mommy worked so hard decorating it till it was perfect. Then she put it in the oven to keep it safe from the pesky cats (turned off, of course!) and proceeded to forget all about it. When some of the hamburgers were done being BBQ'd she turned the oven on to keep them nice and warm and... OH, THE HUMANITY! Poor poor little Elmo.

Monday, May 23, 2005

My First Post...

Lame title, I know, but it is... I signed up for an account accidentally, I thought I was just getting an account so I could see more stuff on other people's blogs... and then I thought, "Why not? I don't have to tell anyone I know that I am doing this... and I can just write and send what I am thinking out into the universe..."

My childhood cat died today. Jynx. She was 18 years old. I didn't get to say goodbye. She lives with my parents who were here visiting this weekend. It was Benjamin's (my son's) first birthday party... They got home and she was in her bed and she was gone. That's how I was hoping it would happen, but still... I would have liked to say goodbye. It is so dumb to be this upset, but when I was a little girl she was my doll. I dressed her up. I put her in a stroller. I loved her with everything in me. When I was a teen and my best friend stopped talking to me I held her and cried into her soft fur. I loved her with everything in me. When my first love dumped me (God "told him to") she purred on my lap while I sang Jan Arden "Insensitive". I loved her with everything in me. She slept with me on my last night at home as a single girl, and woke me up on my wedding day meowing to get out of my room. She got old and crotchety... she had short stubby ears that had fallen off because she had frozen them solid when we found her in the middle of a Saskatchewan winter... a stray... "Can I keep her Mom?"

And now I am 30, a full grown woman with a child, crying over a dead cat. There are so many terrible things that have happened all over the world and I am crying over a dead cat, but I loved her with everything in me...