Friday, September 30, 2005

Rocking my Benjamin

Watching my little man fall asleep in my arms is one of the times in my day when my life feels the most idyllic. Don't get me wrong... my life feels pretty idyllic all day... Ben is a ray of sunshine and just makes everything more fun. I am still a new enough parent that I even find his very rare displays of temper completely adorable. He makes me smile from the moment I hear him wake up in the morning till the moment I lay him in his crib at night. There is just something about watching his little eyes get heavy and feeling his little body relax against mine that makes me feel like the world has shrunk to just Benjamin and me. I stroke his soft hair. I gaze at his peaceful face. I watch and feel every breath he takes.

In those moments I think about the time in the future when I won't be able to hold him on my lap anymore... I think about who he will be and who he will love... I wonder how I can watch him grow up and not feel like I am losing him. I think about all the things that make him so precious and completely charming... his giggle... his hugs... his gentleness... his joy... his dancing... his singing... the way his little mouth purses when he is really concentrating... his tendency to run for pleasure while shouting at the top of his lungs... and I know some things for absolutely sure. I'll never stop loving Benjamin. I'll never even love him less than I do now. I don't want him to be hurt. I don't want him to turn my love away. I don't want him to stop coming to me with his hugs and his tears. I know he will probably do things and say things that are wrong and hurtful, and I ache with the longing to keep him from all of that. It kills me to imagine how it would feel if he stopped loving me and wanted nothing to do with me. I'm crying now just thinking of it... and I think I am finally starting to understand God's love for me.

God feels that way about me too... He is aching for me to accept His love. He is longing for me to come to Him. He treasures all those things that make me precious to Him, and there is nothing I can ever do to change that, because He is my father.

3 comments:

  1. Becky, your love for your son is beautiful!

    you have touched my heart, once again...

    gentle hugs,
    love
    trish

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  2. dangit... now i want to be a dad... i spent yesterday evening with chloe... i love her... babies are the coolest thing since nacho cheese... they rock

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  3. Thanks for your reminder of God's love for me. I needed that today.

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