My heart is feeling broken today. My friend and cousin Mavis passed away and I'm going to miss her so much, but I'll see her again...
Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You
In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer
And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn
And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for Life to enter
You are winter
And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
My heart is feeling broken today. My friend and cousin Mavis passed away and I'm going to miss her so much, but I'll see her again...
Thursday, February 23, 2006
1. I love putting through the first 2 loads of laundry. There are no clothes to take out of the dryer and there's no folding to do yet. After that laundry just goes downhill for me.
2. I just touched one of the gross bugs in our basement with my bare finger. Usually I pick them up with a kleenex, but somehow the kleenex slipped this time and I touched it. You gotta figure it's gonna happen after picking up over 20 of the disgusting things in ONE DAY! I'm still freaking out a bit here. Oh look, there's another...
I've been thinking a lot about contentment lately courtesy of Dixie... I've been meaning to write an uplifting post about how I need to focus on God and the great and amazing things in my life right now, but today I feel like wallowing a bit. So here goes.
I am FREAKED out about my upcoming cesarean section. For those of you who don't know, Ben was an emergency cesarean. It was very disappointing to me. I was unconscious. I missed his birth. I suffered for 14 hours of hard and fast labor and then none of the suffering even got me anywhere but into the operating room. Then I got to feel wrecked not only from laboring all night long, but from a major surgery too. Still, the thing that bugged me the most... It broke my heart actually, was that I wasn't "there" when Ben was born. Strangers heard his first cry, saw him open his eyes and see the world for the first time... THAT KILLS ME.
Anywho. We're going for a planned cesarean this time around. In stupid Yorkton you can't have a spinal unless it's for a planned cesarean. If I have a spinal I get to stay awake. This is critical to me. (Also, the baby happens to be breech right now, so I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to try for a VBAC anyways. Don't know what VBAC means? Look it up. I'm trying to spare my Dad from reading "vagina" on my blog. Oops. Said it anyways. Sorry Dad.) My stinkin doctors are looking at a date only 3 days before my due date though. Are you kidding me here? That means if I go into labor early I am totally screwed and get to go under general anesthetic again. I've been doing some online research and it isn't helping matters. Did you know that the anesthesiologist has to keep you breathing? I didn't. I didn't know it was a breathing tube that went down your throat! I knew there was a tube, only because I had such a sore throat afterwards, but I assumed that was to deliver the anesthetic easier! Now that I know the truth I'm all FREAKED OUT! I had a nightmare last night about going into labor early (before I could get the planned cesarean) and it was terrible. TERRIBLE.
So today I'm wallowing in the doldrums. I'm telling myself nothing ever goes right for me. First I don't get the girl I wanted. Now I don't get the date I wanted and I'll probably go into labor early and end up unconscious while my baby is being born and I'll probably go into respiratory failure, or at the very least end up with pneumonia, and my children will be orphans and Glen will have to move home to live with his mother so she can help him and Ben will never learn to do his own laundry or make his own lunches and... Sigh. Because nothing ever works out for me right?
Now back to the stuff I wrote about contentment at the start of my wallowing... You see why I need to get my focus right? I need to stop imagining the worst and start being grateful for all the things that are great for me. Sigh. Easier said than done, and honestly not the place I am at right now. I don't want any preachy comments on here about looking on the bright side, I preach enough for all of us, so I'm disabling comments for this post cause I know some of you won't be able to help yourselves if I don't. I'll tell myself all that stuff another time...
Friday, February 17, 2006
So Mel's little game got me thinking of a post Ang and I were going to write a while ago but never got around to...
You know how sometimes some meals just stand out in your mind? The food you ate was the best thing you ever tasted in your whole like? For some reason you can remember every detail of the meal including what you were wearing? Maybe you don't know. Maybe Ang and I are freaks, but here are some of my fondest meal memories...
Left Over Lobster:
Where? Screen Kitchen, Emerald Lake Campsite
What I Wore? No shoes. Purple swimsuit with a zipper down the front, a classic.
Who Else Was There? Mom, Dad, Johnny, Mikey, Ang.
What I Could Hear? Alannah Myles was singing Black Velvet on the radio.
Meal Summary: Ahhhh... My first taste of lobster... Mom and Dad had a friend from the maritimes who brought it for them, they had some leftover and shared it with all of us. We ate it cold. So stinkin' good.
Where? Some random Bonanza on the way to Michigan.
What I Wore? I don't remember.
Who Else Was There? Saskatoon Lions Marching Band, including Ang, but she definitely wasn't sitting with me. I was WAY to cool for her.
What I Could Hear? Screaming, laughing, talking.
Meal Summary: I still remember that spaghetti. Even after all the Bonanzas we stopped at on that trip I can only remember that one meal and it is because of the spaghetti. I ate like four plates of it... I can still picture who was sitting with me and where. I know for a fact Marie and Camille were across from me because I can picture them eating the AWESOME spaghetti and then posing for pictures with their mouths open to display the chewed food. Too bad we didn't take one of me cause then we'd know what I was wearing. (It was probably black dress pants and a white t-shirt with a Lions Band crest though, now that I think about it...)
Ruffles All Dressed Chips, Sour Cream, and Pepsi:
Where? Shuswaps Lake, Houseboat, Driver's Seat.
What I Wore? Pale green lingerie.
What I Could Hear? Rankin's Family cassette tape playing over the boat sound system, a whole bunch of other houseboaters (weirdos) on the CB radio asking who was going to the store to get beer and smokes, Glen snoring.
Meal Summary: Okay, maybe most people wouldn't consider this a meal but you didn't see how many chips I ate. I was driving the houseboat to the floating store for bread, sitting on a red plastic cooler with a pillow on top, and enjoying the view. Glen was sleeping on the couch beside me. The sun was shining and I don't remember ever feeling happier or more completely satisfied with my life and the world around me. Those were some fabulous chips! (I'm sure it was the chips and not just newlywedded bliss...)
Dominoes Pepperoni Pizza:
Where? Public Zoo in Mexico City
What I wore? Green pants and a white v-neck t-shirt. My hair was french braided into two braids and I had on white canvas sneakers.
Who Else Was There? Glen, Kirsten, Micah, Eliisha and Paul.
What I Could Hear? Elephants.
Meal Summary: That was easily the best pizza I ever ate, I'm not sure why, but it came with hot sauce... Mmmm... Afterwards I had a popsicle which I had to eat super fast because we weren't allowed to take out of the food court area. I got a brain freeze.
Burger, Fries, and Pepsi:
Where? The Beach in Acapulco
What I Wore? Blue one-piece swimsuit and green sarong... No shoes, which was a bad choice.
Who Else Was There? Kirsten
What I Could Hear? Waves crashing, Kirsten laughing... Sigh... I wish I could time travel.
Meal Summary: That was totally the most expensive burger and fries I ever ate. We shared it and the meal still cost around $15.00 Canadian... but MAN! After eating Mexican Food for two weeks it was SO good! PLUS the fries were freshly cut and burning hot... Just like our feet which were on fire from walking across the sand to get to the restaurant.
Noodles (Kielke?), Cream Gravy, Farmer Sausage:
Where? 129 Tupper Avenue, Yorkton
What I Wore? I don't know. It was probably sweaty and dirty though.
Who Else Was There? Glen, Mom, and Dad.
What I Could Hear? Nothing. Just Chewing. We were too tired to talk.
Meal Summary: I owe this one to Mavis actually. She made me an icecream pail full of noodles which we cooked up as our first meal in our new home. We had FINALLY finished moving our bumb landlord out (we even had to pack up some of his stuff for him) and us in, and we cooked up Mavis' noodles and some cream gravy and it was SO GOOD! I'm not sure if those were the best noodles ever because we were so tired and hungry or if maybe Mavis is just a noodle making genius but I'm leaning towards the latter...
Where? Mall Food Court, Salt Lake City
What I Wore? Khaki capris, brown leather sandals, red California Breakaway t-shirt.
Who Else Was There? Heather Epp, Lisa Giesbrecht, Mom.
What I Could Hear? I don't remember... The enormous goodness of the giant burrito was too overwhelming...
Meal Summary: Mom and I did this crazy trip to California with a busload or four of youth... We had a quick stop in Salt Lake City so the buses could get gas and empty the toilets so we got dropped off at... Where else? A mall. Another ding danged mall... I think we must have been inside at least 10 different malls on that trip... Anywho... While the buses got emptied my tummy got filled with the biggest burrito I've ever seen. Seriously. It was the size of a stinkin' football. Oh man, it was so good. That mall was FREAKY though. There are a lot of weirdos in Salt Lake City... Afterwards we walked across the street and listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing in a Good Friday service.
There you have it. Stink. Now I'm hungry.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
So I came downstairs and low and behold here the computer was on and opened to this site. I think I owe her one. Anyways, it is really cold here. This is more than just hating winter, or the fact that we have had a really mild winter. This morning it was -23, the coldest temp this winter so far, but the with the wind chill it was -40, and it stayed there all day. I pretty much stayed in my office and did paper work all day. There was no way I was going out in it. Tonight it is supposed to go down to -31. Maybe I'll clean my office tomorrow. All I know is I am not going out in it. Tonight I got to play with Ben while everybody watched survivor. Finally something to do while that dumb show was on. I wouldn't mind it if it was all just competition's, but when they film them whining and talking about each other the show does a fast slide into the toilet for me. So, me and Ben played cars, choo-choo, then I stuck some plastic balls under his shirt, he thought that was just hilarious and had to go show everybody. Being a grandpa sure is a blast. That's it from here, I am afraid Becky is going to come down and see me doing this and I won't get to post this. I also have to go plug in my car before I forget. For those of you in sunny bc, that means I will plug my car into an electrical outlet, thereby sending power to my block heater, and keeping the water in the engine somewhat warm so it will start in the morning. Don't any of you tell me how nice it is there, not interested.
Mel tagged me. Hers somehow ended up a lot longer than mine... I don't know what my problem is, I'm usually so chatty.
Biggest Comfort Food:
I don't know.... Depends on my mood really... Junk basically.
Favorite 3 Fast Food Places and What I Order:
Taco Bell: Chicken Burritos
Wendy's: Chicken BLT Salad or Chili and Cheese Nachos
I don't like any other fast food places.
Favorite Food My Grandma Makes:
Anything but mostly: Pickles or Buns With Peanut Butter and Syrup
Best Food I Make:
Spaghetti maybe. I don't know... Ask Ang.
I'm tagging Ang. Just cause.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
For those of you who know the Ens family here's a link to their blog:
There are some cute pictures of the kidlettes and even one of Cindy!
For those of you who don't know the Ens family, they are missionaries in Mexico City and VERY precious to me. I miss them so much it hurts sometimes. (I wish I could go for a visit... Sigh... Good thing I'm such a detailed dreamer. It's like I've actually seen them sometimes... The other day I had a weird one about Paul though... He was a guest on the Dr. Phil show... Long story... We taped it for Dad.)
Monday, February 13, 2006
And You're Invited!
Since Melissa and Jonathan and Noah are all by themselves for Noah's very first birthday, Melissa thought it would be nice to show everybody his birthday party! February 14th is Noah's birthday and he's going to have spaghetti and cake and presents. You can watch him eat his spaghetti and cake and open his presents because Melissa is going to broadcast his birthday on the internet! If you want to go just click on http://meldawnb.camstreams.com at 6:00 tomorrow night. (That's Winnipeg time, which is the same as Saskatchewan time.)
Melissa did a test run tonite and it worked great! I watched Noah throw a ball and do some dancing. He's so cute! I can hardly wait for the big party! (Especially the spaghetti part!)
***If you go to the party you will get signed in under a guest name - please take a minute to change your display name so they will know who's there and they don't block you.***
P.S. Melissa has her own blog now too! If you're interested it's: melissabraun.blogspot.com
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
It's my mom's birthday today. It's also my best friend's birthday... Lucky for me I only have to buy one present because they are the same person.
When anything happens to me the first person, aside from Glen, I want to tell is my mom. When I see something funny on TV I want to tell my mom. When Ben does something new I want to tell my mom. When I go to the doctor's I want to tell my mom all about it. I want to tell my mom when I am ticked off about something. I want to talk to her when I am worried. I want to tell her all about the great things that happen in my life.
The very best part of all of this is that I want to tell her... and she is always ready to listen. (It's a good thing we have bundles.) She's the best friend a person could have and I love her more than I think she really knows.
(Maybe she should get two presents...)
Monday, February 06, 2006
For those of you who don't already know....
Mavis is back in the hospital. The tumor in her brain is back and worse than it was before. She has another surgery and radiation in her immediate future. Please remember her in your prayers. You can email her a message right to the hospital care of Well Wishes.
Actually, this last one was brutal in some ways and a big relief in others. I'm still pretty tender after some of the stuff that happened at our last homechurch, so I don't handle any kind of inner strife very well at all. In fact, after watching a pastor who I loved be driven from the church I thought of as a family my new policy at the first sign of trouble is... GET OUT WHILE THE GETTING'S GOOD. We had some trouble last night... And there was a vote to go with it. That's a recipe for disaster in my books. The mudslingers were there and did their best to stir things up and then... Some superheroes shut them down. I left the meeting feeling slightly battered by some of the things that were said/implied... But on the whole I was relieved. I know that there are people in my church who will defend my pastor and his wife. I know that there are people in my church who refuse to participate in slandering others AND EVEN BETTER who will stand up to those who do.
Sigh... I still hate general meetings.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about "church". (By "church" I am talking about that thing lots of us do on Sunday mornings... Not, necessarily, the body of Christ. To me they can be two totally different things.) Anywho. I've been feeling a bit like it's just more trouble than it's worth. Sometimes I find the way we treat eachother to be so hurtful that I end up feeling worse because of my contact with the church than I would all on my own. I wonder... "What am I really getting out of this? What is my real motivation behind going? Am I just going to see and be seen? Am I really getting enough out of this to make all the crappy gossipy hypocritical churchy crap worth it?" I'm still not sure if church is more trouble than it's worth, but I was very much encouraged by those people who are willing, unlike me, to stay and fight when things get hard. So I guess I'll keep thinking about it... And Yes, Shirley, I'll keep showing up.