Thursday, February 23, 2006

Blah.

I've been thinking a lot about contentment lately courtesy of Dixie... I've been meaning to write an uplifting post about how I need to focus on God and the great and amazing things in my life right now, but today I feel like wallowing a bit. So here goes.

I am FREAKED out about my upcoming cesarean section. For those of you who don't know, Ben was an emergency cesarean. It was very disappointing to me. I was unconscious. I missed his birth. I suffered for 14 hours of hard and fast labor and then none of the suffering even got me anywhere but into the operating room. Then I got to feel wrecked not only from laboring all night long, but from a major surgery too. Still, the thing that bugged me the most... It broke my heart actually, was that I wasn't "there" when Ben was born. Strangers heard his first cry, saw him open his eyes and see the world for the first time... THAT KILLS ME.

Anywho. We're going for a planned cesarean this time around. In stupid Yorkton you can't have a spinal unless it's for a planned cesarean. If I have a spinal I get to stay awake. This is critical to me. (Also, the baby happens to be breech right now, so I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to try for a VBAC anyways. Don't know what VBAC means? Look it up. I'm trying to spare my Dad from reading "vagina" on my blog. Oops. Said it anyways. Sorry Dad.) My stinkin doctors are looking at a date only 3 days before my due date though. Are you kidding me here? That means if I go into labor early I am totally screwed and get to go under general anesthetic again. I've been doing some online research and it isn't helping matters. Did you know that the anesthesiologist has to keep you breathing? I didn't. I didn't know it was a breathing tube that went down your throat! I knew there was a tube, only because I had such a sore throat afterwards, but I assumed that was to deliver the anesthetic easier! Now that I know the truth I'm all FREAKED OUT! I had a nightmare last night about going into labor early (before I could get the planned cesarean) and it was terrible. TERRIBLE.


So today I'm wallowing in the doldrums. I'm telling myself nothing ever goes right for me. First I don't get the girl I wanted. Now I don't get the date I wanted and I'll probably go into labor early and end up unconscious while my baby is being born and I'll probably go into respiratory failure, or at the very least end up with pneumonia, and my children will be orphans and Glen will have to move home to live with his mother so she can help him and Ben will never learn to do his own laundry or make his own lunches and... Sigh. Because nothing ever works out for me right?

Now back to the stuff I wrote about contentment at the start of my wallowing... You see why I need to get my focus right? I need to stop imagining the worst and start being grateful for all the things that are great for me. Sigh. Easier said than done, and honestly not the place I am at right now. I don't want any preachy comments on here about looking on the bright side, I preach enough for all of us, so I'm disabling comments for this post cause I know some of you won't be able to help yourselves if I don't. I'll tell myself all that stuff another time...