Friday, May 19, 2006

My Benjamin's Birthday

My little man turned two today... I know people always say this, but I can't believe how fast he's growing up. I was looking at some videos and pictures from one year ago and two years ago and my baby is turning into a little boy. I often find myself wishing I could freeze him and keep him just the way he is... Kinda like my fish, but not...

I am the type of person who looks at the people I love and thinks "Someday they'll be gone..." It can be a bit of a problem because I can find it difficult to fully enjoy my time with people because the whole time I'm thinking about how things change and how someday I'll wish I could relive the moment I'm living right then. When I'm with my Grandparents I often wonder if I'm giving them my last hug. When my parents leave for home after a visit as I watch their car drive away I pray and cry and imagine what it would be like if they got in an accident on the highway and died. I frequently have vivid dreams about the deaths of my siblings. (I usually phone them the next day just to make sure they are alive.) And don't even get me started on Glen... He has strict instructions not to die before I do. (If that sounds morbid to you then you should talk to a certain pastor's wife who has been known to check her husband's pulse while he's sleeping "just to be sure". Kinda creepy hey?)


When it comes to my boys I don't even let my mind go there. I can't imagine what I'd do if anything ever happened to one of them. I only allow my mind to imagine what it will be like when they grow up. When I hold one of my boys I often think about how it will be when they are handsome teenagers and they don't want me to read them stories or kiss their cheeks or tickle their tummies. It's very easy for me to imagine myself in the future missing what I have right now... Poems like this one don't help: (In fact I probably shouldn't read stuff like this especially on days like today, I'm already way too emotional.)

I Wish

I was so busy through the day, I didn't take the time to play.
When you brought your games to me, I told you “Not now,” and quietly,
I cleaned the house, I’d iron and cook, but when you’d bring your story book,
And ask me to sit and read to you, I’d say, “I have too much to do”.

I’d tuck you in your bed at night, you’d say your prayers, I’d dim the light.r>Too quickly I’d pass through the door, I should have stayed a minute more.
Life’s much too short, each year flies past, my little boy grew up so fast.
No longer playing by my side, for me to nurture and to guide.

The books and toys are packed away, no longer are there games to play.
No precious bedtime prayers to hear, that all belongs to yester-year.
My days once busy now are calm, the hours empty and too long.
I wish I could go back and do, all the things you asked me to.

One good thing about my overactive imagination is that I have no problem treasuring each moment. I have no problem leaving the housework so I can play with my Benjamin. (Yes, part of that is because I hate housework.) When I put him to bed each night and kiss his blonde little head my heart is his completely. Every time I look at his sweet smile and listen to his happy little songs he has all of my love with no reservations or distractions, because I know someday (way too soon) he'll be all grown up and his smiles won't be aimed at me as often and he might not wander the house singing his little heart out. He won't need me to kiss it all better or read him a story. He won't ask me to play "I got you" and he won't cry because he can't come play on my bed. He won't want to cuddle in front of the TV and sing Tractor Tom with me, and I know I'll miss it... All of it.

So happy birthday to my beautiful boy, even though your birthdays will always make me a little sad.

8 comments:

  1. Happy birthday to Ben. Two is such a great age. Enjoy him every day, Becky. You're right, you know. Jack doesn't like to cuddle on the couch any more, but he does still come into my room every night to chat before he goes to bed. I just miss holding him until he fell asleep.

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  2. I often wish that I could go back and have a day with my children even for a day. When you guys were little I wished that I could peek into the future and see how you all turned out (what you looked like and what your hopes and dreams were,who you married, how many kid would you have.) I was very impatient to know everything about you all. I'm very happy now and enjoy you all just as much as when you were little but being little is such a special time. I wish I could go back even for a day. I kind of can with Ben,Noah and Sam. Happy birthday Ben. You are a special little guy. I love you very much. Being with you is just as good as being with your Mom when she was little. Tell your Mom that she has a lot to look forward to and that she will enjoy it all.

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  3. Holy crap Becky, I could have written this blog. Peter has also been given strict instructions to wait for me to go first, and not till we're very very old. I don't have kids, but maybe for now that's a good thing. Me and God are working on my issues, but I have a feeling it's a long road. Seriously, I can't even describe what that border experience did to me. I was terrified I would go crazy in the office, just start crying uncontrollably, and that would be it. They'd pack me to the loony bin. The entire day, I didn't even want to sleep, I was afraid I'd wake up in Canada, with Peter somewhere I didn't know, and not knowing when I'd see him again. Even thinking about it makes me a little light headed. Yep, serious issues this little girl here has...sigh.

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  4. Becky, when I read your blog I couldn't beleive how much you and Melanie are alike. YIKES!! That's scary. I know what you mean about enjoying so much of where he is at now but being sad because you'll never have them at that exact age again. I remember when I nursed Robyn for the last time. I knew that I would never ever again walk this path. My last time nursing with my last baby. I tried so hard to memorize the feelings, the look on her face and every little detail and now it's just gone. I forgot when I was sooo determined to remember. To me though it feels like I am getting a chance to relive it all through Luke. He is such a sweet lovable little guy and it's so wonderful to feel another baby in my arms and to never want to let him go. It feels like I have Robyn all over again but I also have the adult Robyn who is also very sweet and lovable. I win both ways. :) It's great to hear about how much you are enjoying your boys. They are beautiful.

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  5. What I hate right now is all the memories that I have just like that poem. I was often to busy to play (made myself to busy), or still to wrapped up in my own things to spend time with you guys, when you were little. So now I do think about how much I would like to go back and change one little thing or maybe one small word or sentence that would have made one of you happy instead of walking away sad. I think that is why as grandparents we can be so lenient and never want to see our grandchildren disciplined.
    Just treasure each stage that your children are at Becky, and don't worry, you are a good mother. The times you spend with Ben outway the times you ignore him by such a margin, as to make the second non-existant. Happy birthday to Ben. Give him an extra hug from me.

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  6. Thanks Dad. We missed you and Mom this weekend.

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  7. Enjoy the time you have, as you obviously are. They do grow up and go their way, but they also do come back to you.

    All us parent have travelled the road you are on,and each one of us has regrets of something that we should have done way back. We can only do the best we can with what we have.!!

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  8. Aw, happy birthday to Ben! I'm sure that it can be sad in a way... when kids are that age, it seems like they grow up so fast. Time just goes by way too fast...

    I think the same way about the people in my life. I worry when people are late, that maybe they got in a car crash, and they're injured, or worse, and I don't even know... and here I am sitting comfortably in my home, and they could be hurting. I worry when Kyle, my boyfriend, goes to Alberta for his doctor's appointments... I'm worried his plane will crash, or something... I always try to reassure myself, but it's hard...

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