Sunday, July 02, 2006

An Epiphany

I noticed something today that has led to a bit of an epiphany. I have this need to document every moment of Ben's life. And now Sam's. Right now he is upstairs watching a movie with Glen and giving an adorable play by play and what do I want to do? Get the video camera. I have issues.

Today we stopped at a regular family hang out of ours. The train tracks. There are usually some trains parked there and Ben loves to touch them. I'm not sure if this is illegal or not... Probably it is, but this time Glen even put Ben on the train. He was in his glory I tell you.

Instead of enjoying the moment I semi-ruined it by trying to get the perfect shot of Ben enjoying the moment. The only thing is he has trouble enjoying the moment when his Mommy is constantly trying to get him to pose just right. Why do I do that? Why can't I just enjoy and if I must photograph every moment why can't I just snap a quick picture and be happy.

That's the thing. I'm almost never just happy being in the moment. I'm always looking forward or backward in time for something better. Even if there is nothing better, I think, "This is the best thing ever. How can I make it last forever?" Then I spend so much time trying to make it last forever the moment passes me by.

Today I was on bible.com and the verse of the day was "Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." Hebrews 13:5

I looked up some other verses about contentment and whether they talked about being content with circumstances, finances, or whatever they all come back to knowing that God will never leave us. What difference does that make I want to know. Why should my spiritual contentment affect how I feel about how much money I have or what my health is like? What does one have to do with the other? Does being content in the knowledge of God's love really translate into all areas of life? What if my marriage was sucky sometimes? Can I really be content in it and with my husband just because I know God loves me and is here with me?

I know the answer. Yes. I should be. The truth is I'm not though. When I look at my life I can pick out something in every single area that I am discontent with. I am even discontent in my most joyous areas of life... My little boys. I honestly can't look at them and be completely happy with them because they are going to grow up and leave me. See what I mean? I can do that for everything and I think it all goes back to one thing. Just like the verses all went back to one thing. Am I really content in the knowledge of God's love? When I look at the real evidence of my life I think I have to say I must not be. I guess I have something to work on. Maybe this explains why I have this huge need to have everything around me just so.

So, to all of you people out there who I irritate with my picture taking, holiday decorating, campsite managing, blog perfecting, furniture arranging, dog dandruff sweeping, fridge organizing, toy cleaning, towel folding, sock matching, nitpicking ways... I apologize. I'll try let some of that stuff go a little more often. And more importantly, I'll try and find contentment in the most important area of my life so hopefully it'll just naturally spread into those other areas that drive you all nuts. (And maybe, just maybe Ben and Sam won't need therapy by the time they move out.)

And now a picture... 'Cause I give myself permission to let this transformation take time.

And 'cause Ben is just so ding-danged cute.

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