Wednesday, August 23, 2006

All Hail The Supreme Dictator


Remember when you were a little kid and you got to sit on your dad's lap and "drive" his truck? I do. Driving always seemed like it would be so much fun. I always had it in my head that it involved a lot of both-hands-on-the-wheel, back-and-forth type motions. Sadly, reality is not at all like that. It mostly involves holding the wheel steady with the occasional tiny motion to keep the car going straight, punctuated by some intersections and corners. Blah. So boring.

When I was a little kid my idea of driving was actually a lot closer to what it is like to drive bumper cars. Why can't driving be like that? We could all get new cars that have those big rubber bumpers on them and then when someone or something gets in your way... Wham! Easy. The government could put rubber railings on all of the roads so we wouldn't even have to worry about lanes or signaling or any of that crap. Just... WHAM! Coming through people.

Of course, to be realistic, highway driving would not be at all suitable for this sort of thing so maybe no ramming on highways. Probably we'd have to make some kind of rules about semi trucks and the like too, 'cause I wouldn't want to be rammed by one of them even with rubber bumpers. Maybe a system where trucks are only allowed on certain roads at certain times would work, or maybe everything would just have to be shipped by trains.


I really need to make my lifelong dream of being Canada's Supreme Dictator a reality. Other projects that I would push through would be:

  • Domes over all of the highways to keep out the animals, (Thus eliminating road kill) and weather. (Thus eliminating driving home in a blizzard.) (I like saying "Thus" it makes me feel smart.)
  • The elimination of the Senate and Parliament. As Supreme Dictator I would make all of the decisions and if you don't like it, leave. (Thus eliminating the cost of ridiculous salaries and expense accounts, freeing up money for rubber bumper roads and domed highways.)
  • The termination of all treaty rights within the next 10 years. (Thus eliminating the cost of supporting a whole culture and improving said culture by forcing them to be self-sufficient.)
  • Establishing Taco Bell as the new national restaurant. (I don't think we have one do we? Unless it's McDonald's, in which case the need for a new national restaurant is even more urgent.)
  • No loud stereos allowed. Period. Especially at the lake. Or when I'm napping.
  • The implementation of a "I Know Who You Are" policy involving DNA testing at birth for every Canadian. No more wondering who done it. I know who you are. (Yes, it will be expensive, but I saved all of that money cutting off treaty rights and expense accounts. I figure I'd still come out ahead.)
  • The implementation of a "War on Littering" policy focusing in particular on broken beer bottles. (Since everyone in Canada would have their DNA on file from birth, I would prosecute the perpetrators to the full extent of the law. Which basically means whatever I want it to mean. I am Supreme Dictator after all.)
  • The re-testing of all drivers every five years. (Yes, it will be expensive, but seriously. No natives to support and no fancy expense accounts, we'll be swimming in moolah. Plus, do you seriously think I'd continue funding the CBC? Not likely.)
  • Since I've still got money to spare, everyone gets free bowling. Cause living here is fun.

I'm sure other things would come to me, but I see these things as the most pressing. You've got to have priorities when you're running a country.

22 comments:

  1. I'd vote for you Becky. I agree with your whole agenda. I love the part about the rubber bumpers. Man would I park differently at Walmart!

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  2. Yea even now I would go hunt up that young punk from Quebec who cut in front of me in the ferry lineup and made me wait another whole trip, and wham-o. Actually I would like to get him with my old truck, with the good steel bumper.

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  3. would you keep a military?? and if you did... could i be in charge of that? also i think that me and ang should be in charge of all liquor

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  4. oh my goodness Becky!! I would TOTALLY vote for you & never complain!! What great thoughts! Especially the Taco Bell one!! (which I get to partake of this weekend because i'll be in Winnipeg!). Taco Bell should be the national FOOD!!

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  5. You guys, you don't get to vote. I would be the Supreme Dictator. That means I take charge of the country by force, I'm thinking either a large army of clones or some freaky new weapon that I steal from the military by disguising myself as a harmless fluffy white cat named Mr. Jingles... But I'm glad you approve just the same.

    Dad, I didn't know you got cut off in the ferry line. That's why you missed it by one? I'm thinking it's Karma paying you back for raising to be "Roscoe the Destructinator".

    And Trav, I think I could let you be in charge of liquor, but the military? I think I'll let Glen. I have a feeling some of my commands might not go over so well and I'll need someone with a cool head to control the population if they decide to revolt. And Trav "cool under pressure" is just not you, especially if you are in charge of liquor... Seriously.

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  6. I think this is the funniest post you have done, Becky. This is hilarious.

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  7. UMMMM WHAT CAN I BE IN CHARGE OF? HOW ABOUT ANIMAL CONTROL? LOL.

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  8. ALL HAIL THE SUPREME DICTATOR!!!!

    *ROCKING BACK AND FORTH

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  9. You go for it Becky. I think we should all get two months off in summer too. OK?
    Funny Funny post!!
    Love you
    Auntie Sue

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  10. Done and done. Oh and Ang, you can be the Minister in charge of Paddling Regulation and Inspection.

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  11. SOUNDS GOOD. NOT SURE WHAT KIND OF JOB I WOULD DO THOUGH...I WOULD BE IN MY PADDLING POOL ALL THE TIME. I'LL SEND KAD TO DO THE WORK. PERFECT.

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  12. Hey Becky, we loved your policy statement. Matthew especially liked the rubber bumper idea. Maybe you should send your ideas to Steven Harper he may be willing to step down to make room for you to take a wack at the "Supreme Dictator" thing. I know I sure would.

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  13. I don't think Mr. Harper would be into it since being a dictator entails violently overthrowing the existing government. But I suppose it never hurts to ask right?

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  14. did you say violently overthrowing the existing government?? hehehe **evil grin**

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  15. All that Canadian beer and buffalo steak has been driving you off your trolley!

    Barking.

    ;¬)

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  16. I want Toni to come over and be Minister In Charge of Teaching Me To Talk Like That.

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  17. I love the bumper car idea, with a few obvious exceptions.

    I say go for it Becky. I can't say anybody I have voted for in the past have done any better.

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  18. Becky i think that you're an absolute nut...but it's entertaining to read what you have to say. And hey maybe you could change what a dictator means. You wouldn't have to be violent ..you could just be lovely...i donno how well that would work...but lovely is better then violent. You make me laff. God Bless

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  19. Hey! I thought I was going to get to be the supreme dictator...or was that of the world? Okay, never mind; I'd give you Canada if you wanted it. But I would so appreciate it if you'd keep CBC FM going. It's my favourite.

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  20. yes yes, all these needs are pressing... but if i were supreme dictator, i would begin by abolishing the use of comic sans.

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  21. WHAT?!?!? I love comic sans. It's my favorite font.

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