Sunday, December 31, 2006

For the BC people:

I'd like to post a whole bunch of pictures of the big Braun gathering, but I don't want to make this page take forever to load so I'm gonna put them up on my Christmas tree page.

If you are family, or if you are just nosy, click here to see some photos of my extended family celebrating Christmas together. If that's not enough photos for you there were billions of digital cameras there and I expect some people to be putting up their own pictures shortly.

K. Enough talk. I'm gonna go work on getting the pictures up.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Insert Title Here

Two more things that are better leftover:

  1. Vereniki.
  2. Chocolate pie.
That's all I got for you today. I think all this food might be inhibiting my brain axons and synapses and stuff. This would also explain why there are so many stupid drivers on the roads right now.

I just reread this and it sounds dumb. I can't even think of a title. Time to go make some chocolate fondue.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Christmas at the Braun's

Chaos. Noise. Kids. Toys. And way too many potatoes.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas!

One: Gifts

One more sleep till Christmas! I love gifts. I love giving them and I love getting them. I love picking them out and I love wondering what people picked out for me. I love wrapping them and watching them be unwrapped. I love the way they look under the tree and the way our living room looks after they have all been opened and the pretty paper has been thrown all over the place. I love looking around at the gifts in my life that aren't wrapped in pretty paper. I love having all of my best gifts together in one place. Best of all, I love celebrating the gift that was given to all of us on a Christmas long ago.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Two (Ha ha): Dumb Stuff

Dumb stuff makes me laugh. It makes me laugh even more if Ang is with me to see the dumb stuff. For instance... Today Ang came for supper at Glen's mom's cause there was soup. Glen's mom lives in this insane condo. It has so many rules the mind literally boggles. I would rather use my teeth to gnaw my foot off and use it as a ball in an impromptu game of keep-away with Magic Johnson and that really tall guy from My Giant than live in that place.

Anyways. Today when we walked down the hall we came across this:Ha ha ha! Oh man. Could that wreath be any bigger? I don't know what made me happier... The totally ludicrous size of that thing or looking over at Ang when we first caught a glimpse of it as the elevator doors slowly opened. Frickin' awesome.

Anyways. I think the enormity of this particular decoration deserves some kind of tribute and so I institute the first ever alittlestone FREEZE FRAME GAME! Where fans like you can write a funny caption and win big BIG prizes for the best ones. Wait. Cancel that... Where fans like you can win useless junk for the ones that make me laugh. Wait. Cancel that. How about I just pick one I like and announce on here somewhere that I think you are funny?

Sounds good to me. Let the game begin. And....... GO!


*Update: Thanks Trav. Apparently I fit under the dumb stuff heading very well.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Three: Neil Diamond

I rocked out to the sweet sounds of Neil on today's trip to Saskatoon. I have to tell you... It helped bring my stress levels way down when the car filled with the sound of Neil singing, "Where it began, I can't begin to know when. But then I know it's growing strong." And, yes, the stress levels were high. But we're here now.

Anyways. I've always loved Neil Diamond. Okay, not always, but from around grade six when I first played Mom's Beautiful Noise record. (Which was then lost by my Grade Six teacher Mrs. Turgeon after I brought it to school for a class music project. Mrs. Turgeon if you're reading this: I want that record back.) Neil may not be saving the world with rock, but not all of us can be Mother Teresa and Gandhi.

That's all. I'm tired.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Four: You

Today is Bev's funeral. It's at 2:00 if any of you out there in the blogosphere see this and could remember us, especially Heather, in your prayers.

Contrary to the look of things on here lately, it's been a hard week for me. I have to admit that I am terrified of being on the highway on Friday. It's put a little bit of a cramp in my Christmas packing, as all I can think about is the possibility that Friday could be my last day on Earth. I don't think it's the dying that bothers me so much as the idea of the pain that would be left behind if any or all of us die.

I can't stop thinking that Bev was alive a week ago and planning for this week... Planning her Christmas shopping, her house cleaning, the little errands she needed to run. She had no idea that the end of her life was approaching so quickly. She had no idea that this week her friends and family would be at her funeral. I don't know why that bothers me so much.

I suppose it might have to do with the fact that I don't like surprises and I hate suspense. When I watch shows like Survivor I enjoy them much more when I know the ending of the show. Usually I tape them, watch the end, and then rewind to the beginning. That's how I would like to live my life. Tape it. Watch the end. And then rewind to the beginning.

But I know the end don't I? Not just the end of my life, but the end of this life. Jesus is coming back for me. I need to somehow grab hold of that promise and let it permeate me this week. It's so hard though. It's hard to see Heather in pain. It's going to be hard to see Bev's family, students, and friends in pain. It's hard to push aside the vision of the people I would leave behind in pain if I died tomorrow... Or today... Or any day.

And that's the kicker isn't it? When something like this happens we are all reminded that the end could be any day. This morning might be your last bath, the last time you eat breakfast, the last time you lock (or forget to lock, in my case) your door when you leave. Today might be your last chance to hold your children, or hug your spouse, or tell the people who matter most to you that they matter.

And so, at the certain risk of sounding overly dramatic and mushy, to all of you out there... You matter to me. I can't think of you without smiling because you fill my heart to bursting with love. I want to name all of you one by one. I want each of you to read this post and think, "She was writing that about me. She means me. She loves me." Because it's true.

I'm writing this about you. I mean you. I love you.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Five: Old Food

There is this website I love called Visual Recipes. On it there are recipes that people send in with accompanying photos. Firstly, I love it because I only cook new things if I have pictures of them. I almost never try recipes from my cookbooks that don't have photos. Secondly, I love it because some of the photos are awesome and just make me laugh. I am thinking of joining the ranks of the Visual Recipe cooks by sending in this:Mmmmm... Doesn't that make you want to try out my recipe? Heinz it up people! Heinz. It. Up.

Anyways... The fifth day of Christmas is all about leftovers. There are some foods that are just better the next day. Here is a list (yes) of my favorites:

  1. Kraft Dinner. To me fresh KD is repulsive. I can eat maybe two bites and then I am done. However, if it is left over night in the fridge and then zapped till it's crispy in the microwave I am all over it. I don't like ketchup on the fresh stuff either. It's gross. So gooey and sloppy. However, when it's on crunchy little niblets of leftover mac and cheese it is a gourmet experience. The textures! The colors! Yum.
  2. Marshmallows. Again. Gross fresh from the bag. However, if they are opened and then left in a cupboard for around half a year till they are hard I am all over them. They should sell those things like that and call them "Aged Marshmallows". Yum.
  3. Spaghetti. I don't think there are many people that would argue with this one. Spaghetti is great leftover.
  4. Kentucky Fried Chicken. Again. Gross fresh. It is so slimy. I don't know how people eat that stuff hot. I very much prefer KFC the next day right out of the fridge. I think it tastes better cold and preferably leaning up against the counter with a Pepsi in a jar. (More about jars in my next post.

    I think there's more... Hold on while I consult my list. I can't remember. Hmmm... Let's see here... Oh yeah! How could I forget?

  5. Cheese and Crackers. Yes. You heard me. I think this stems from childhood lunches. For some reason, even I know this one is weird, I love cheese and crackers when the crackers go a little stale and soggy. Yum. The problem with this one, like all of these, is the waiting time involved when I am craving them. Right now, for example, because I am thinking about them I am wanting some. In order to have them the way they are good I would have to make them, wrap them in saran wrap, and leave them on the counter for three hours before I could enjoy them the way they should be enjoyed. I have no patience though and I know if I go make myself some I will eat them right away. They'll still be okay, but not fabulous.
So there you have it. If that doesn't make you hungry I don't know what will.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Six: Sleep

A friend of mine, lets call her... Donna, likes to make fun of me because I like to sleep. She is one of those freaks that gets up at six in the morning even when she doesn't have to. While I was pregnant with Ben she used to wonder what I would do when I had kids cause I seriously like/need to get twelve hours of sleep a night. Right now I get about seven hours a night and I'm surviving. And that was the answer I gave her. "I'll survive." I sure don't like it though.

Sam had a bad night last night and a brutal day today. I'm not sure if he is getting sick or what, because the kid won't stop crying and just needing. He's probably teething. All I know is if someone offered me a couple hundred bucks and a Moxie's coupon I'd trade them for it. (Oh, calm down you bleeding hearts. I'm kidding.) What does this have to do with sleep you ask? I'm not sure. Where was I? Crap. I'm so tired.

Sam and Ben somehow managed to synchronize their naps today. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with the fact that Sam slept for around four hours this afternoon to catch up on the sleep he missed last night. Ben slept for around two of those four hours. And I slept for around one of them. And it was so fun.

'Cause I love to sleep. Especially during the day. It seems so luxurious. Today it was very sunny and warm in Yorkton and my bedroom window faces south so we get a lot of direct sunlight. It was shining through the tree in front of my window and making the most beautiful patterns on my curtains. I could watch all of the little shadow birds landing on the tree and flitting from branch to branch as I fell asleep. I had the window open, (because Ben had been playing in my room with a poopy diaper just before I put him down for a nap and no one could enjoy a nap with that kind of putrescence) and I could hear the birds and feel the cool breeze. What a perfect day for an afternoon nap.

Sigh... Four more hours till bedtime.


P.S. My spell checker is telling me that I spelled
putrescence right, which is making me very nervous. For one thing I didn't think it was a real word when I typed it, and for another this girl I know, let's call her... Ang, has a spell checker that has been making a mockery of her spelling for a few days now and I don't like being mocked. I like mocking though. Oh yes, I like it plenty. Maybe that should be the fifth day of Christmas?

Monday, December 18, 2006

The Deadline

Just so you all know... If you are planning on sending an ornament for the tree the deadline is Thursday. We leave for my Mom and Dad's on Friday and I won't have access to photo shop again till we get home and by then Christmas will be over and it will be time to put away all the decorations.

So no pressure...

No guilt either. It's not like I need cheering up or anything...

:|

Seven: Survivor

Okay. Apparently thinking of new non-silly posts is more work than picking a silly post off of my list. And I do love Survivor. I taped it last night and watched it today. I think this season was the first time when everything that I wanted to happen actually happened. Usually the people I don't like just keep taking out the people I do like, and by the end I don't care who wins becuase I can't stand any of them. This season I didn't care who won because I loved them all. I don't think I can even express to you how happy it made me to see my two favorites in the final two. I think it may even have been better... Okay, not better... As good as the Rob and Amber season... Sigh.

My only question is, now what am I supposed to watch till next season?

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Eight: Benjamin's Smile

I am not in a place to write a silly 8th day of Christmas. Not that there is anything wrong with silly. In fact, being silly is one of the things I love best in life. Still, today I am going back on what I said about not writing about the obvious things that bring me joy... Like my family and friends, or my Faith, or sunrises and starry nights... And I'm going to write about my Benjamin.

I spent some time crying last night... And walking... And then some more time crying... And when I cried Ben said to me, "You're sad Mummy." And I told him he was right. I was sad. I am sad. And then my little boy climbed on my lap and cuddled with me. He got some nice cars to try and cheer me up with. He showed me some pretty slick dance moves. And I was still sad, but my heart didn't feel so shattered.

I still ache for my friend. Her hurt is so deep that it is painful to watch. I wish I could take some of her pain and absorb it for her, but I can't.

So for now, I will fix my heart on the beautiful things in this world around me. We had our family Christmas yesterday. Ben was so happy with his new house and the Fisher Price Little People that came with it. It has a mommy, a daddy, and a baby. We found Ben a "guy" that looks just like him, so his make believe world is complete. Here "he" is waiting for "Dada" to come home from work to play with him...He just makes my heart ache with happiness, even while it aches with sadness.

Why I Feel Sad Today...

Yesterday, my friend Heather from here in Yorkton was driving with one of her very good friends, Bev Shore, and they were in a serious car accident. Heather is very bumped up and in pain, but she will be okay physically. Her friend Bev was killed.

Heather and Bev are both friends from the musicals Glen and I were part of for a few years here in Yorkton. Here is a picture of the three of us doing something we all love... Singing our hearts out in costume. That's Bev on the right and Heather is in the middle.Please pray for Bev's family and many friends. And please pray very hard for my friend Heather who is hurting so badly right now. I'm going to sign off with a verse that a friend of Bev's read in church this morning...

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38 NIV

I Was There

My footprints follow me
Showing where I've been
But how much of me
Is left there in the snow?

You can see
My feet are small
And in some places
My steps drag.

But the steps I left behind
Can't show the cold places
On my cheeks
Where the winter wind touched my tears.

Right now after I've just been
My footprints seem so clear
And my past
So close to me.

But soon the cold unfeeling wind
Will blow the snow
To cover up
The bit of me I left behind.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Nine: Old Movies

Today seems to be the appropriate day for this post because I watched two of my favorites... White Christmas and Holiday Inn. I like them both, but Holiday Inn has Fred Astaire. Not only does it have my favorite leading man of all time, but it has him playing a scoundrel, which I just love. He dances one song with a smoke in his mouth and another as a drunk. That's the kind of stuff that makes old movies great. Everything the stars did back then was so... Hollywood. Who else could dance a whole number with a smoke hanging out of his mouth and come across as cool? No one. That's who. Oh Fred... I love you so.

You know, there is just something about that man that makes me happy. Actually, there isn't just something. There are some things. Oh sure, his dancing is unreal, but the way he carries himself makes me feel like I would have liked him if I'd known him in person. He has this shy little smile he does with his eyes kind of looking down sort of bashfully... Sigh.

You know that question that everyone gets asked at one time or another? "If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?" Of course, the easy answer is Jesus, 'cause I bet I could get a lot of stuff figured out over one meal, but Fred Astaire runs a very close second. Actually, I'd like to have dinner with Patrick Stewart too. I love Picard... Ho man. Those are some good pictures on those links. Look at him! Look at that crinkled up smile in the first one! What is not to love about that? I ask you!

Where was I? Oh yeah, I think I was saying something about how likable Fred Astaire seems on camera, even when he is playing a bad boy you have to love him. And I do. Fred, I love you.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Ten: Fat Snowflakes

There are lots of things that are just better when they are fat... Cats... Paychecks... Actually, other than snowflakes that's all I can think of. So maybe there aren't lots of things, but there are some things anyways. (If you can think of more things that are better when they are fat feel free to add them in the comments. I don't feel like using my brain today.)

Anyways. I was gonna do a fun and exciting Tenth Day of Christmas, but I have cramps for a reason we won't get into here and frankly, I'd rather go lie down than fart around on the internet today. (Literally.) So enjoy this picture of the fat snowflakes falling outside my window. I'm gonna go put a hot water bottle on my ovaries... Or whatever it is in there that is making me feel like curling into the fetal position.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Eleven: I like pink socks and I cannot lie.

In my mind, as long as you are wearing cute socks you are looking good. I can be deathly ill, pale and sweaty, with greasy hair cause I haven't bathed for days, a red chafed nose, and as long as I put on some cute socks I feel fabulous. I think this may be why I never wear makeup or do my hair at home. I pretty much feel like I am dressed up if I am wearing nice socks.

In general my socks must match my outfit and the boys' socks also need to match their clothes and pajamas. This has caused a few minor arguments in our family as it is hard for other people to understand why it is important that Ben doesn't wear brown socks with his Superman pajamas.

If, however, the socks are really soft and fuzzy they don't need to match the outfit. I think I might even prefer that they don't so they stand out more. This is why I have a thing for Christmas socks. I have these red striped ones that are very soft and fuzzy and they have reindeer at the top and they just please me. They look like I am wearing candy canes on my feet. Fuzzy candy canes. I suppose I should have taken a picture of those ones, as this is a twelve days of Christmas post, but I try to portray the real me on my blog and the real me is wearing pink socks today. Heh heh. Actually... If you want the truth, the real me is lazy and the red striped socks are all the way upstairs in my room so you get a picture of the pink ones 'cause they are already here on my feet.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

The Twelve Days of Christmas...

All right... I know that technically the twleve days of Christmas are supposed to happen after Christmas but this is my blog and that's just too bad. As part of my wind up to Christmas I am posting twelve of my favorite things on the twelve days leading up to the big day. Now don't get too excited. These are not going to be particularly moving or well thought out posts. They aren't going to be about my very favorite things like Sam saying "Ga ga gaaaa, da daaaaaaa da," or Ben giving me a hug just because he wants to, or the sound of Glen laughing with one of our boys... Nope. They will be about the little things that please me or make me giggle. So without further ado I give you favorite thing number twelve...

Lists.

Oh yes. I love lists. I love to buy cute little notebooks to write them in. I love to compose them in my head. I love to write them out and then follow them to the letter. I love to check things off or scribble them out. (Preferably with different colored pens.) Right now I have about six lists going and here is a list of them: (A list of lists. Could this get any better?)
  1. Christmas cards. (Who gets them, what type of card they get, whether I can deliver them myself or they have to be mailed, and whether they get a picture or not.)
  2. Christmas shopping. (Practically everything is crossed off in green or red pen and it just makes me so happy.)
  3. Vacation things to pack. (Hmmm... Must remember to put Beyond Balderdash on there. Don't worry Ang, I've already got Mario Party right at the top.)
  4. Things to do. (This list currently includes updating my "things to do" list on my blog.)
  5. Grocery shopping. (Boring, but necessary.)
  6. My favorite things to post on my blog. (There are about 20 things, but you will only get to see twelve. Does that make you sad?)
  7. Stuff I want for Christmas. (This one also needs to be updated on the blog.)
Ahhhh yes. I do love lists. There is something about getting things down on paper that just pleases me. I like 'em messy or neat. Sometimes I copy them out more than once just to reassure myself that I've remembered everything...

Monday, December 11, 2006

Smile Sammy!

Mom and Dad came this weekend for a visit. Before they came I decided I had better clear off the memory card on our camera so I would have lots of room for all of the great pictures I was going to take. Since I had uploaded all of the pictures onto the computer before I went to bed that night, I got ready to select "erase all", but just before I did it I thought I should check and make sure I hadn't taken some since the night before. (Yes, I take so many pictures that I can no longer keep these things straight in my head and yes, I am that paranoid about losing even one of them.) So I checked the camera and this is what I found...I looked at it for a while trying to remember when I would have taken a picture like it. "When did I take a picture of Ben and Sam's feet? That's weird." I selected the next picture..."What is that?" Now, thoroughly confused, I selected the next picture...And then back to the previous picture... "Oh for crying out loud. That's Sam's PJ's." Next picture...This picture has to be my favorite and when I saw it I burst out laughing. It would seem that I am not the only shutterbug in the family...

Thursday, December 07, 2006

alittleChristmas Joy! JOY!

Okay everyone. I can't wait any longer. I was going to try and hold out till Friday for a few reasons:

  1. 'Cause Friday seems like a day for fun stuff.
  2. To increase the suspense by leaving up the construction page for a day or so.
  3. 'Cause my real tree isn't decorated yet, and somehow it seems weird if my virtual life is going better than my real life.
I can't wait though, and here are the reasons:
  1. 'Cause Friday is always fun no matter what. It's the end of the week. That's all anyone really needs to pull them through the day. Right? Of course right.
  2. Even though increasing the suspense is the most valid reason to wait, anyone who knows me knows that I suck at being patient, and Christmas is definitely not a time that I am interested in working on that particular flaw.
  3. Let's all face facts here. My virtual life is fabulous and I don't really give a hoink about trying to make it look like I am not obsessed with my blog. I am, and I choose to embrace the dysfunctional blogger within.
And so... Christmas has arrived here at alittlestone. Hurrah! Yeeeee! Weeeee! I'm hoping that by the time New Year's rolls around I will be tired of all of this clutter and be ready to take it down, but right now I can't see it... Especially since the tree in the sidebar is going to be there all gorgeous and hopefully getting more and more beautiful by the day.

Make sure you click the link underneath the tree and join in the fun! You heard me!
Join in the fun! Weeeeee! Ho man. I love Christmas. So much.


(If this post and all of these decorations is a little to happy-happy-joy-joy for you then I advise you to head over to
Ang's for a little bah humbug stuff to balance out all this giddy bliss.)

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

My Hero

FADE IN:
INT. GLEN AND BECKY WILLEMS KITCHEN - MORNING

We hear a baby fussing in another room. The cries are getting more and more agitated as Becky staggers to the kitchen counter and begins making a bottle. She looks up, surprised. Something is different.

BECKY
What? When did this happen? When I went to bed last night this place was a wreck!
(sighs contentedly)

Becky shakes her head, bemused, and hurries off to the bedroom with the bottle. CLOSEUP of sparkling clean kitchen counters and dishes stacked clean in dish drain. Background crying stops abruptly.

INT. WILLEMS BASEMENT - EVENING

Becky is sitting at a computer mumbling angrily to herself. CLOSEUP of a phone beside the keyboard. We see Becky shake her head, then glare at the phone. We hear a door open somewhere in the house.

BECKY
(to herself)
Finally.

Feet appear at the top of the stairs and move slowly down. Becky does not look up. Glen comes to stand behind her. Silence. Then

GLEN
I'm sorry I'm late.

Silence.

GLEN
And I know I didn't phone. And the worst part is that I really don't have an excuse. I was playing a game and the time got away from me. So tonight I want you to have a free hour to make up for me being late and to make up for not phoning you can have any favor you want. Maybe I can cook dinner for our date night...

BECKY
Okay.

Glen goes upstairs.

BECKY
(smiling to herself)
Hmmm... That apology was so good I think I might actually be happy he came home late...

INT. WILLEMS MASTER BEDROOM - LATE EVENING

Becky is frantically digging through drawers and boxes crying.

GLEN
(calls from kitchen)
Are you sure you had them when we came home from Saskatoon?

BECKY
(crying)
Yes! I remember them being on the nightstand, but I don't remember them being there when I cleaned my room! I don't remember ever putting them away! I hope I didn't throw them out! I bet I threw them out!

Glen moves to stand in the doorway.

GLEN
(concerned)
Do you think you did?

BECKY
(brushes past him and continues her search in the living room and hall closets)
I don't know! See? This is why I shouldn't buy Christmas presents ahead of time! I always lose things! Why am I so stupid? They aren't anywhere! And now we aren't going to be in Saskatoon till just before Christmas and the ornaments I bought are going to be all sold out.

GLEN
Can't we just get different ones?

BECKY
No! These ones were special! I like the Hallmark keepsakes. None of the other kinds are as nice. I don't want new ones. I want the ones I bought. Plus Ben's is part of a series! I'm never gonna be able to get one the day before Christmas!
(yells)
Ahhhhh! I'm so mad at myself! How can I have lost them? I wish the house was messy so there were more places to look! There's no where to look! Why do I clean up? I just throw out important things.
(cries a little more)

Glen starts looking. Becky finally gives up and goes back downstairs to watch Ben and Sam.

BECKY
(calls from basement)
You won't find them if I can't! They're just gone. Why do I always do stuff like this?
(quieter)
Mommy is sad Ben.

BEN
Mummy is sad. It's okay Mummy. Dat's okay Mummy.

INT. BASEMENT STAIRS - LATER THAT EVENING

CLOSEUP of Glen's feet at top of stairs. CUE theme song. As Glen descends stairs more of his body is visible in frame. Glen is smiling, but quickly hides it when Becky looks up.

BECKY
(obviously disappointed)
Oh. I was sure you were coming down here because you found them.

GLEN
You thought I found the ornaments?

BECKY
(looking closely at Glen who is still trying to look discouraged)
Did you find them?!

Glen takes hand from behind back and displays missing Christmas ornaments.

BECKY
(very excited)
You're my hero! I can't believe you found them! How did you find them?
(babbles happily)

FADE OUT to the following picture as music reaches crescendo. See? Sometimes life is just as good as the movies! I love you SuperGlen!

Monday, December 04, 2006

Tru Love

This is my friend Angerama and her little baby Truan. I went to see her and meet Truan for the first time this weekend. It was love at first sight. I already miss his funny litttle cry.

It was crazy to come home to my boys though. When I left, Sam was still a little baby and when I came home it seemed like he had transformed into some giant toddler type baby overnight. He's huge people! And he's strong! And he's so independant! And he is so smiley and he is practically talking!

Okay. So maybe he isn't talking, but it is so amazing how a change of scenery can change the way you see the things around you. Especially little things. Little slobbery things. With boogers.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

My Faith Isn't Big Enough

You know what? I think God is out to get me. I hate that I think that. A friend of mine told me recently that sometimes she sees God as a teddy bear who gives her whatever she wants. It made me think about who I really think God is... No. Not who I think He is, but what I really believe in my heart about who He is in my life...

When I was younger, and before my parents came back to their faith, I used to go to youth group and sometimes church by myself. I always felt inferior. I always felt like I was being judged and found wanting. There was plenty of evidence to support this feeling and I don't think I have ever fully recovered from it.

I fell in love once before Glen... At least I thought it was love. The guy I was dating was a great Christian. I looked up to him, I wanted to be like him, and I was so grateful to have him in my life. We talked about getting married and I felt so blessed. Then he broke up with me because "God told him to." Maybe God did, maybe He didn't, but at the time, I believed him. It was easy for me to believe that God took away someone I loved because He wanted to protect one of his favorites from me.

I want a girl baby. I want one so badly it hurts sometimes. I know I won't get one though, way down deep in my heart. I know it because I want her more than I want anything. I know it because God wants to punish me, not bless me.

Isn't that terrible? In my head I know that all of the things I just wrote are lies. I know that God loves me as much as He loves anyone. In my head I know that. In my heart I know that I will never be good enough for Him to love, I know that I am not deserving of His blessings... And that's okay, because none of us are. What's not okay is that I don't have the faith I need to believe that God's love is big enough to overcome those obstacles. What's not okay is that what Jesus did on the cross for me is somehow not speaking to my heart the way it should. What's not okay is that even though I tell myself otherwise, and even though there is plenty of evidence to the contrary... I still think God doesn't like me as much as He likes "good-Christian-so-and-so" or "perfect-Saint-happy-face"... I still think... Oh, I can't believe I am actually "saying this out loud"... I still think... Jesus wouldn't have died just for me.

Sometimes, I find myself turning away from God because I don't want to be hurt by His rejection. I have this big dark fear that if I let myself love Him the way He wants me to, He'll break up with me too. I've always had this disturbing feeling that once people really get to know me they won't love me. I've never really noticed till just now that I think the same thing about God... And since He does know me, better than anyone... He can't love me.

Another thing for me to work on... Or for God to work on... Or for us to work on... Yeah... Us. Together.