... When two things happen...
First: I forget my brother's birthday. Not because I don't care. Not even because I don't know when it is, but because I never have any idea what day of the month it is, he never reminds me, and dang it, I have no other excuses. I still blame Johnny.
Second: Because it was Johnny's birthday this month we are now the same age till March. This used to really bug me, because he always made a big deal of it and felt that it was reasonable to try and usurp my position as oldest and wisest because of it. It didn't work well, but he always tried.I like it better now that we are older. It makes me feel a bit like I have travelled back in time and have gained back a whole year... 'Cause I'm the same age as my little brother. Slick.
Anyways, Happy Belated Birthday Jones. I love you.
(Oh, and everyone please take note of the rockin' shirt I am wearing in that picture. I mentioned it in this quiz, and I would kill to get my hands on that thing or a close replica. Man, I loved that shirt. Ahhhhh the memories. They're all I have left...)
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
... When two things happen...
Monday, January 29, 2007
I'm tired. Emotionally, physically, mentally, and even spiritually. Or maybe it's especially spiritually. Actually, maybe all of the others are happening because of the spiritual part. I don't know. All I know is I've been wrestling with something for a while now. I can't seem to get it figured out. I can't seem to get to a peaceful place where I can rest, and I don't mean physically. I can't seem to get my heart into a place where it is at rest.
I question. I plead. I seek. I'm just not finding what I need.
And so, I'm tired. And sad. This is not that unusual for me when January rolls around, so I'm not panicked. I'm sure I'll come around.
Just thought you'd all like to know where I've been. And why things might slow down on here for a while.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Create your own Friend Quiz here
Here you have it. A look back deep into the boring and lame details of my childhood, and all thanks to Carrie for yet another way to waste my valuable free time with useless, time consuming, drivel. I love it. I seriously don't see anyone but me being able to pass this test. I've been wrong before, but I'm not this time. If you do pass, then you know way too much about me.
Monday, January 22, 2007
INT. SUPERSTORE VIDEO AISLE - AFTERNOON
We see Ang casually looking through DVD's in a grocery store. A little boy, around age nine, wanders up and stands nearby. He quietly looks at the DVD's beside Ang. Ang continues to look at the Crash DVD in her hand and doesn't appear to notice the little boy standing beside her. A woman dressed in tight dark blue jeans, square toed boots, and a jacket, with poofy permed hair and lots of make-up walks up to stand nearby.
Get your finger out of your ass. Let's go.
You know what.
No. I don't.
Do you actually want me to say it?
(to little boy)
Your mother should never talk to you like that.
(then to woman)
You disgust me.
Ahhhhh Ang. She says the things most of us only think and dream about saying. The weird part? She hates confrontation. I don't get it.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
The last few days I have been working on adding a few loads of guilt to the big pile I keep in the backyard. I figure, with a concentrated effort I can get it to about the height of our house by the end of this week.
Yesterday I kicked Ben in the face. He was in the room Ang is sleeping in waiting for me to bring him a bottle. I was expecting him to be in the bed, but he was sitting on the floor in the doorway. So he got kicked. In the eye. I kicked my toddler in the face.
Today we took Ben and Sam swimming. Just before we left we took them into the hot tub for a bit. I stood Ben on one of the benches. After about five minutes of Ben standing there I turned my back on him to kiss Sam's feet for a bit and heard a splash behind me. There was my toddler. Submerged. In a hot tub. Sigh. (The lifeguard glared at me till we left. She must have known that I did it on purpose... To build up the pile.)
I wonder what I will do to the poor kid tomorrow? I'm really on a roll. I'll probably knock him down the stairs.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
As a rule, I don't like change. I still call the Shop Easy in Martensville the IGA whenever I think I can get away with it, even though it's been a Shop Easy for years now. I still think of most of my married girlfriends with their maiden names and I can't picture changing that anytime soon. (Example: Angie Kasper will always and ever be Angie Kasper.)
But change happens whether I want it or not.
Sammy is crawling. And pulling himself up on things. Soon he'll be standing all by himself and then walking. As usual, I have mixed feelings about this. I'm glad he will be able to get away from, and chase after his big brother. It will make him a lot happier. But I'm sad he's growing up so quickly. I wish I could put those kids on pause more than once a day. Sometimes just to keep them quiet and still, but usually to make precious moments with them last forever.
We got rid of our beloved station wagon. Again, mixed feelings. I loved that car. I know people will make fun or me for this, but I did. We brought Ben and Sam home from the hospital in that car. It was red. Ben called it "Daddy's Car" and some of his first sentences were about it. (Example: "Ah Gonna goin inna caw?") It made me sad to get rid of it. I cried a little.
But we couldn't take anyone anywhere with us unless we opened up the back seat and made a full grown adult (Example: Glen) ride backwards with their knees in their faces looking at the people in the car behind us and feeling like a dummy. So we got a minivan. Yes, I know. I've always sworn that I never would, but we all know what happens when you say "never". At least it's not taupe. If it was taupe I don't think I could bear it. Also, one thing about minivans is that from the inside I don't have to look at it and think about how much I hate minivans. Instead I can move around freely, bring along friends, and pop in a DVD if I want to.
Probably the biggest change that is coming, as far as my day to day life goes, is starting this Thursday I will be a mom of four instead of two. I'm going to be watching my friend's three-year-old, and her just-turned-one-year-old. So no more lazy mornings in bed with my boys... Oh well. I think it is going to be good for us in lots of ways. During the Christmas break I told God I really needed him to find me a babysitter in the new year so I could do some subbing, but staying home is really what I want to do. I don't think I would agree to take any other kids, but these two are just great little people and it's really going to make Ben so happy to have someone to play with. So I guess, as usual, God had better plans for me than I did. I'm very grateful.
All these changes. I suppose I wouldn't feel so torn about things changing if I wasn't so happy with the way things are, and that's not something to complain about, but it does make me long to keep things the same for a really long time. Oh well, change comes without waiting for our permission and gives us a chance to experience the beauty that's there in every season...
Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You
In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer
And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn
And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for Life to enter
You are winter
And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Today I commented on Shirley's site that I never make New Year's resolutions. It's not because I am a rebel or anything, I wish that was why. The real reason has more to do with the fact that I don't want to set myself some unattainable goals that I won't meet anyways, just for tradition's sake.
No, if I'm going to set goals to make myself feel all pressured and guilty I prefer to drag the process out through the whole year.... Lose some weight, be more patient, keep the house cleaner, watch less TV, hang out on the computer less, go back to work, get outside more, catch up Ben and Sam's baby journals, read my bible more, spend less money, return my library books on time, and on and on.
Most of my goals I never meet. I never actually walk up to them, introduce myself and make them a part of my life. I think about them all the time. I see them from afar, looking over at me with reproachful glances. Sometimes I even agonize over their absence from my life, but usually when the time comes for me to exert some effort to meet them I find some other friend I know well... Something easier for me to spend some time with... The television, the computer, a snack, the phone, a book, anything will do as long as it's something I am familiar and comfortable with.
So I have decided that this is the year I make some New Year's resolutions, and not just any resolutions... Resolutions that I have a chance of actually meeting:
- I resolve to try at least one new menu item at Boston Pizza instead of always ordering the same thing.
- I resolve to create and move every single person I know into fabulous houses in my SIMS neighborhood.
- I resolve to come up with a new catch phrase that my sister and I can use to amuse ourselves and confuse and irritate others.
- I resolve to watch every new episode of Grey's Anatomy, even if I have to tape it and watch it at one in the morning.
UPDATE: I love George. I love his dad, even if he is a dog-murderer, or maybe especially if he's a dog-murderer. He better not die.
AMENDMENT: He's gonna die. I know it. He better not die. I also love Calli. That stare rocked. I wish Izzy would deposit that frickin' cheque.
REVISION: Finally. That cheque was driving me nuts. What a load off.
MODIFICATION: Okay I know modified was a strech, but I'm running out of words and that episode was unreal. First: WHAT?!?!?! They almost kissed! WHAT!?!?!? Also: Gasp. Izzy has 9 million dollars. She's so paying for that surgery. She will. I think she will. And: What the hoink was that look between the Chief and the Nazi? He better not die.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
I'm missing Mavis today. It's hard to believe it's been almost a year since everything started... And ended.
She made a blanket for Ben when he was born. I got so many blankets that I saved hers for the next baby... Sammy. Now every time I unfold it to use it I cry. I look at the stiching. I touch the places where she made mistakes and ripped seams, and left little tiny broken threads behind. I hold that blanket close and I miss her. I still haven't been able to use it.
Maybe I will save it for the next baby... No. I'm not pregnant.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Today's my dad's birthday. I've been trying to think of what to write for a post all day and I am still wondering. Not because there isn't anything to say, but because there is too much to say. What does a daughter say about her dad that can even come close to explaining how she feels about him? How does she list off the things he has done for her and what he means to her? (Maybe this is why last year's birthday post was what it was...)
Seeing my dad with my little boys makes me remember some of what he was like when I was a little girl. I remember the feeling I would get when he would pick me up from some activity... So proud that he was my dad. I still feel that way when I am with him. (Except the other day when he tried to wear a zip-up bunnyhug with no t-shirt to the museum. Not good.) I remember feeling like he could do anything, answer any question, solve any problem... I know it bugs him a little, but I still feel that way. I still feel like I should turn to him with my troubles and decisions and have him fix everything for me. (I know... There isn't enough duct tape in the whole world.) I remember wanting to go with him wherever he went... To the dump, to the store, anywhere, just to be around him. He's so fun and he always has been. (Don't tell him I said that though, it'll make him cocky.)
My dad and I have a history together that goes back to times I can't even remember. I can't remember dancing on his feet or climbing in his overalls when he got home from work. I don't remember nighttime bottles or daytime cuddles. And that makes me a little sad. I don't remember those early years when my dad and I first started loving eachother, just like my boys won't remember their early years... The mornings we spent playing on my bed or the nights they fell asleep in my arms in a rocking chair.
I wish I could remember what it was like to be scooped up by my dad and twirled in the air. I wish I could remember holding his hands while I learned to walk. I wish I could remember falling asleep on his shoulder. Sometimes being an adult kind of sucks because adult crap can really get in the way of remembering that once I was his little girl and he was my hero in every way that counts.
So happy birthday Daddy, from your little girl... I love you!
You'd think that the boys would sleep great since we are finally home wouldn't you? I'll answer that. Yes. You would. Sigh.After a day on the road with Ben completely wired and hyper he was finally tired enough to go to bed at around 11:30. I left him alone in my room while I got his tooth brush from the washroom and discovered him seconds later with my very expensive lotion slathered all over his hair, admiring himself in my mirror. So then he had to have a bath. Which always makes him hyper. Which meant he finally fell asleep at around 12:30 AM.
Wouldn't be nice if that was then end of this story and I could tell you all about the new minivan we bought? I'll answer that. Yes. It would. Sigh.
The next two hours were actually spent trying to do something with Sam who had inexplicably decided that he hated the world and wanted to punish everyone in it by screaming bloody murder. I have no picture of this, only a screenshot of a poem I wrote while rocking my wildly screaming boy. If you click on it you will see a larger view. Notice the time in the bottom right corner. He only screamed for twenty minutes or so after I finished my poem so I guess... Sigh. I don't know what I guess. You tell me.
You'd think that I would have finally got some sleep at this point right? I'll answer that. Right. You would think that. But you would be wrong.
Benjamin woke up at around 4 AM, I assume from a bad dream, he was crying so hard I couldn't understand anything he said except for "Mummy's big bed". I think you can guess where he slept, and if you have ever slept with Ben (or any toddler) you can probably guess how well I slept.
Sigh. And tonight we need to go grocery shopping. At Stupidstore. I wonder if tonight is the night I finally lose it in that store and end up on the news. If I do, don't judge me. Just tape it for me, 'cause I'll probably be too busy.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
This makes almost no sense to me. Almost. I suppose I shouldn't post it, except that I am still apparently in lazy-mode as far as this blog goes. This is a particularly bad time for me to browse other blogs as all it does is encourage me to waste my time, and yours, taking useless quizzes and posting them on here. Ah well... Glen still hasn't shaved which means we are still officially "on vacation" so we can't expect to much from me.
I will say one thing. As I get older it surprises me how introverted I am becoming. I used to find it more relaxing to be around other people than to be alone, and that has definitely changed. I was thinking about it tonite as I sat alone in my room reading. I wonder why it is that I have become a person who finds it easier to be alone. I think it may be that as I've gotten older I have lost my comfortable belief that all people love me and want the best for me. I have lost that feeling that if people only got to know me they would love me. This may sound like a pity party, but the fact is (oh, this is hard for me to say out loud) not everyone will love me. And yes, I am one of those people who thinks everyone, even the people I don't like, should love me. But they don't. Sometimes they aren't even nice to me. I know. It's pretty crazy, but true.
And so I found myself answering the quiz questions differently than I would have even a few years ago. I find myself finally able to take a breath and relax... When I'm alone. I didn't notice this happening. It kind of snuck up on me, but I've become the person who is scared to go out among people because I think they will hurt me. I've become the person who holds back the real Becky, because I think she won't be accepted. I find it difficult to completely open myself to friendships for fear of being disappointed.
I wonder if this happens to everyone as they get older. Does experience teach all of us to keep people "somewhat outside"? Is this something I needed to learn in order to protect myself? Is this just a natural part of growing up? It doesn't feel natural to me.
How did this post get so long? I should probably change the title... Meh.
P.S. I'll take down the decorations on here when I take down the ones in my real world...
Thursday, January 04, 2007
A big domo arigato goes out to Drinkatite for the inspiration behind yet another brilliant post. I'm telling you... The quality here at alittlestone has really been off the charts lately. I'm so proud.
Yurp. Sounds about right.
How about just "trouble"?
I think the "N" should stand for "Nerdiness".