I can't.

I feel myself folding in
Closing off.
I see hope getting further
Deserting me when I need it most.
I want to call it back.
But fear has stolen my voice.

I wonder
If I'll ever get to go back
To a place where I feel joy
Untarnished by loss.
Or if
Maybe
Nothing will ever feel right again.

And my heart is crying.
Screaming.
No no please no.
Not this.
Because I can't.


I'm trying to tell myself that I'm wrong. That all of this is wrong... And there is going to be this amazing magical announcement that everything I'm scared of isn't actually happening. That the thing all the signs are pointing to isn't real, at least not for my dad. Not for us. I'm trying to make myself believe that miracles happen all the time... That my boys will have time to spare to know and love their grampa. I know I'm supposed to be strong and positive. I know giving in to my fear doesn't help anything. I'm supposed to be the support. I'm supposed to help, not make things worse. I'm trying to do what I'm supposed to and only worry about today. I'm trying to stop my mind from taking me to a future that I don't want to live in. I'm trying to believe that God knows and He will take care of all of this. I'm trying to trust that He loves all of us, and that whatever happens, it will be okay. I'm trying really hard to be positive. To wait and see. To hope for the best instead of fearing the worst. But I can't. I just really really can't.

Not right now, anyways.


UPDATE: I'm still waiting for news from the hospital. I can't stop cleaning my house. If I stop then the fear and the pain come crashing over me in waves that seem too big for me to ever surface from.

UPDATE: I'm feeling a bit better today. No new info from the hospital but that tight knot in my stomach is loosening up a bit. I'm opening up the comments section for those who have been wanting to comment... Just be gentle.