Thursday, May 31, 2007

Under An Open Sky

I used to do this thing where I would take a worship cassette, in the time before cds and children and cynicism, and go to some field where there was nothing around for miles and miles and dance and sing before my Father... I don't do it anymore. I haven't done it for a long time. But I remember.

I remember feeling small. I could see myself, tiny and almost unnoticeable on this huge planet spinning through the universe with God all around me... Surrounding me... Holding the earth, and me on it, in His hands... Breathing life into me and everything around me. Like I was only a tiny part of creation, as unremarkable as a sparrow. And somehow being small didn't feel insignificant. It felt right.

I remember feeling connected to the eternity stretching endlessly before me. That the moment I was in was so brief compared to the reaches of time still ahead of me. And still, though it would only last for a short time, that moment would echo in my soul forever. It meant something to my eternity.

I remember feeling nothing between me and God. No barriers. No noise. Nothing. Like I could reach up and touch Him and like He was reaching down and touching me. In the beautiful barrenness of the wide open prairies with an endless sky stretching over me I had finally reached a place of intimacy. Closeness.

I would like to go there again.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

And so it continues...

I know it seems like all I do on here lately is ask for prayer, but I'm going to do it again anyways... Last night one of Glen's aunts died. Could you pray for the family? Pray especially for Glen's mom. After hearing the news she became very confused and lost her short term memory. She ended up in the hospital for most of today where they ran tests to make sure she is okay. Which she is, but obviously the news was VERY overwhelming for her. So please pray.

And lets hope things settle down around here for a while.

Love to you all.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

He Knows

This might sound strange but... Could you pray for a friend of mine who is going through a family crisis right now? Could you pray for healing without knowing why? God sees her hurt and he knows her name, so even if you don't... Could you pray?

Happiness is watching My Favoritist TV Show

People. If you didn't watch So You Think You Can Dance this week you need to watch this. And if, because of some flaw in your good taste and viewing preferences you never watch So You Think You Can Dance, you still need to watch this. I've watched it about 20 times and I'll watch it again as soon as I hit the publish button. Enjoy. Seriously.

Oh man. That is just gooooooood TV. I almost peed my pants when I watched this the first time.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Perfectly at Home

My favorite thing about being home? Using my own computer with my own bookmark folders and all the fancy little icons I found for all of your blog links. They make me happy. I love opening up the folders and all the pretty little pictures. And so, even if you aren't interested, I am going to share my joy by writing a meaningless post all about them.

First. Here is a picture of what my screen looks like when I'm online:
You have no idea how long this took me. Except for Randall and Marc who already had icons in their address line and therefore in my sidebar, I had to search for websites with icons in their address lines for each of you. (Yes, I know you have one on yours too Becky, but for some reason it only shows a quarter of it in my sidebar. So I found you another.) When I find just the right icon I bookmark it and change the name and location in its properties to yours. Fabulous!
This means looking up and opening countless web pages for each of you. I would say a conservative estimate would be opening an average of about 30 web pages for each icon in my sidebar.

If you click on the picture you can see up close all the blogs I visit on a daily basis and the little pictures I picked to go with each site. Most of them have a special significance, but some of them are just because they're cute. For example... Sheryl's is a princess crown, because she loves the movie The Princess Bride, but Aunty Carol's is just a weird Green flower, because I couldn't think of anything better. So take a look, and if you see the icon I've put with your blog and you don't like it feel free to tell me and I will gladly waste an hour or two searching through web pages for something better... Or not, because really, how would you ever know whether I did it or not? (I probably would though, because you have no idea how happy it makes me to find the perfect icon for a blog.)

Friday, May 18, 2007

Grey's Season Finale

Grey's last night. What can I say? It touched me, it made me laugh, it irritated me. I was on facebook this morning (those of you who aren't need to be) and I noticed Becky's status read, "Rebekah Bennetch is thinking the guys on Grey's are drama queens." And I laughed. Last night when I was lying in bed replaying the whole thing in my mind, as I always do, I thought to myself... "Why are all the men on that show losing their appeal?" I came to the same conclusion as Becky did, they're DRAMA QUEENS! Those men need to CALM DOWN. I've never seen a man, let alone three or more of them, act so over-the-top. (I can't say the same about women though, since I am myself at least a drama princess.) The only man who came off well to me was Richard. I cried. I couldn't help it. It's in my royal blood.

Anyways. I'm not really complaining. I love that show. And since it's a show, I suppose I can deal with the men being drama queens, but don't you all wish that Christina had come down the aisle just as Burke hit the bottom of the steps? Sigh. I do.

I just have one question for all you Grey's fans. That girl, the one George met at the end of the show... Meredith's sister right? She wasn't the one McDreamy was flirting with in the bar was she? Cause if it was her I'm gonna be irritated with that plot twist. Oh yes. Very irritated. Please tell me they weren't the same girl?

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Oh for...

Sammy had his one year immunizations today. Apparently... That means he probably can't be around Dad this weekend. Apparently... Any live virus vaccines could be dangerous for someone with a suppressed immune system. I am NOT. HAPPY. Of course. I only find this out after he's had the shots. Argh!

(You know how I say I don't like to censor myself on here? I did it this one time for you, because there is a lot of cussing going on in our basement right now. I am NOT. HAPPY.)

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

TriVialities

Okay people. How did I never notice this till just now? Or is it just me? Cause I don't think it is. Two of these things are kind of the same.

On a completely related, but irrelevant topic... (That doesn't really make sense, but I'm expecting that most of you will think this whole post doesn't make sense.) I am loving television right now. It's a bit of a problem. I think tomorrow may cause this to happen again. And it's only going to get worse when season three of So You Think You Can Dance starts in a little over a week. Weeeeee!

I'd say "I need help," but I don't want help, so really, what would be the use? There's no use. No. Use.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Seven Things

Denita tagged me, and since I can't keep anything a secret, it was hard for me to come up with seven things people probably wouldn't know about me that I am comfortable sharing. And so, I give you... Seven secrets that I'm not comfortable sharing:

  1. I like to read romances, even the trashy ones. I tell most people that they are just a summer thing, but I actually read them all year long. Mostly, whenever I feel like escaping to a world where men wander ballrooms raising one haughty eyebrow, and women with corn silk hair demurely fan themselves... Or sometimes, just for the fun of killing off a few brain cells. Don't judge me. (Phew. I got that out of the way first. It's my worst one.)
  2. I'm obsessed with cleaning my ears. I go through A LOT of Q-tips.
  3. I also go through A LOT of toilet paper. Massive, freakish amounts of toilet paper. This is mostly to make sure I'm all clean, but also to avoid any chance of touching anything I don't want to touch.
  4. I think The Bachelor is the worst show on television, but I can't seem to stop myself from watching it. So don't phone me at 7pm tonight... I need to find out what happens to Tessa.
  5. If I could change anything about myself, it would be my smile.
  6. Meeting new people, or people I haven't seen in a while, freaks me out. I think this is possibly why I tend to make really bad first impressions. I try too hard.
  7. My biggest fear is dying. I know it shouldn't be, which is probably why it is.
There you go. Seven things you didn't know, and probably didn't want to know. It's too late now though, I wrote it and you read it. I hereby tag Ang, Shirley, and Carrie. (Oh yeah, and Carrie... This new look is only temporary. I'm still waiting for my new template. I just thought it was about time I got rid of the winter scenery.)

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Happy Happy Mother's Day!

I got this ecard from a friend. At first I couldn't figure it out, then I realized you had to click the little flowers. So I did. And I laughed. Take a look and a listen here, and if you have the same sense of humor as I do, you'll probably laugh too. And to all of you moms out there... Thanks for putting up with us, and Happy Happy Mother's Day. Do do do, doodoo doodoo, do do do doodoo do. Doodley do, deedo deedo, deedo deedo deedo. Yeah!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

For Today

I got this off of a new blogging friend's site. It's beautiful and it's also where I want to be. I tend to be the type of person who is easily changed and molded by my circumstances. Sometimes this is good. Sometimes it causes me to grow, to gain strength and understanding. Other times it shakes me so badly I lose my grip on the things I believe. I start to let fear and doubt take over.

But God is here, and He is who He is, no matter what happens. No matter how weak my faith is, He is God, and He is strong. No matter how I stumble, He is God, and He is here to uphold me. No matter how far I wander, He is God, and he is here. And if my dad is sick, it doesn't change God's faithfulness, His power, His love. He is who He is, and unlike me, He is not changed by circumstance.

So today, I will praise Him in this storm, and trust Him to take care of the rest.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

The more things change...

... The more they stay the same.

Extreme Yard Makeover

This post is mostly for Mom and Dad and Ang. As I see it, they are the only people who will find this interesting. You are welcome to read, but you have been warned, so don't blame me if you're bored.

Yesterday some wonderful people from our church came to help me get some yard work done. I was imagining some raking, pulling up weeds, and maybe mowing the lawn. I underestimated the skill and speed of my workers. For those of you who have never been to our house, these pictures won't mean much, but if you've ever seen our yard these pictures may prove to be a little shocking, so brace yourselves.

Here's Dave, cutting down a tree that was growing to close to the house. It made me sad, because I love all trees, but it had to be done. Sigh. You can see he's pretty broken up about it too.The backyard lost a whole group of shrubs that were dying. Originally I thought we would need to replace them with more shrubs, but I really like how everything seems more open without them and I see more shrubs being cut down in the near future. Our yard is way too landscaped and crowded for my tastes. We need less shrubs, more lawn. Fabulous.
Now onto the front yard. This is where the biggest and fastest transformations happened. If you've never seen my house you wouldn't know that the dirt mound in the picture below used to be covered in trees and shrubs. It was terrible. There was also a group of tiny and weird bent little tress right in the very center of the yard that Dave took his trusty chainsaw to. I wasn't sad to see these ones go. They looked ridiculous and were a nightmare to try and mow around.
The craziest part of all this yard work was that most of the transformation happened in the first half hour. Dave and Alice pulled up at precisely 8:59 am and Henry and Esther arrived at 9:01 am. By 9:07 am when Harv and Shirley arrived, late due to an unforeseen garage sale, Dave was already cutting down trees and Henry had the mower going. It was almost frightening how fast these people moved. Fabulous.

Here they all are taking a well-deserved break. Starting with Ben and working clockwise there's Shirley, Esther, Jen, Henry, Alice, Pastor Harv, and Dave. My favorite people in the whole world right now.
So thanks to some loving friends, here's our yard... Looking almost like it fits in with the rest of our neighborhood. No longer an eyesore, no longer a reason for people to call the city and complain. Fabulous. What a blessing. I can't even tell you how much it meant to me.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Meow.

Since I have nothing to write about I'm resorting to posting quiz results I got taking quizzes I've found on other people's blogs. What can I say? I've lost all creativity and I am, officially, a copy cat.


What American accent do you have?
Your Result: North Central
 

"North Central" is what professional linguists call the Minnesota accent. If you saw "Fargo" you probably didn't think the characters sounded very out of the ordinary. Outsiders probably mistake you for a Canadian a lot.

The Midland
 
The Inland North
 
The West
 
Boston
 
The South
 
Philadelphia
 
The Northeast
 
What American accent do you have?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

I wonder why anyone would mistake me as a Canadian... Hmmmm...

Which L.M. Montgomery Heroine are You?
Which L.M. Montgomery Heroine are You?


Sunday, May 06, 2007

Empty

There's not much going on here. Some friends from church are coming over tomorrow to help me do some yardwork. Phew. I'm VERY happy about that. Mostly, I am just hanging around, existing. I've been trying to think of something to write on here for a while now that doesn't have something to do with Dad or my boys, since a while ago I said I wanted to keep this blog as a place for me. Strangely enough, there doesn't seem to be much going on inside of me that isn't about Dad or the boys. Really. The most I could give you is a rant about how irritated I was with Grey's this week.

Lots is happening on Ben and Sam's blogs though. So, if you get bored my advice is to head over there. A least there are pretty pictures. Maybe I'll even put up some videos of Sam stunting.

Right now I ust feel like I don't exist outside of my roles as a mommy and a daughter. I'm not saying this is good, or even particularly healthy, but right now it's how it is, and I don't have the energy to try and change it. Of course, if I wasn't blogging I probably wouldn't have even noticed this little blip, but I am blogging, and I since I have nothing to blog about... I noticed. It's odd for me to have absolutely nothing on my mind but Ben, Sam, and my dad. And maybe food. I feel kind of empty. Up top. In my brain part. I wonder if some chips and Pepsi would make me feel fuller? I bet they would. I'm on it.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

I'm fine.

People have been asking me how I am doing. Mostly I tell them I'm fine. I hate it when people say they're fine when they're really not, but like Ang, I find it difficult to answer that question without lying. Unlike Ang, I don't really feel like throwing things or punching random people on the street. I feel like curling up into a ball in a dark closet and staying there till everything is over. Ang is angry. I'm mostly just tired. And sad. And on edge. And my jaw started quivering again as soon as we got back to Yorkton. It had stopped for a while in Saskatoon, but now it's going again. I need to calm down. Deep breaths.

I got home to an email and a phone message that my beloved Princess Beverly is going to be visiting Saskatoon starting TODAY for around 10 days. I haven't seen her for seven years. If we had stayed one more day in Saskatoon I could have seen her and hugged her and probably cried with her and it would have been... Oh... Paradise. But I won't get to now. We have exhausted our budget beyond what common sense tells us is safe, and another trip to Saskatoon is out of the question right now.

This house is a wreck and the yard should be declared a national disaster sight. I have no energy or desire to work on it to even get it to the point where our neighbors won't phone the city to complain. It's so depressing.

I need to work on a blog for Dad. Mom really wants me to. But honestly, right now as I type this I am crying. I cry every time I think of him and I can barely see the screen. This did not happen in Saskatoon. My only explanation is that leaving was a very bad idea. (He's going to be discharged from the hospital on Friday. I wish I could be there. Screen blurring. I need to move on to another topic.)

I have this sick feeling deep in the pit of my stomach whenever it occurs to me that the end of May is coming and Glen and I need to make a decision about whether or not to stay in Yorkton by then. I don't want to have to sell this house. I don't want to pack all our things. The terror of Glen possibly having to quit his job without first finding another is so overwhelming. Especially with kids. I was hoping that coming home would bring about a sudden change in me. I was hoping I would get here and feel a deep peace about staying in Yorkton while Dad is sick. (Screen blurring.) But I don't feel any peace about either choice, staying or going. Going or staying.

Sometimes in the winter I struggle with depression. Not the "I'm sad" type, but the "I need to consult with a doctor" type. I am feeling that way right now. Everything just seems like SO much. I feel like I am shutting down. I look at my boys and feel a little empty. I find myself getting angry with them for no reason. Sometimes they smile at me and I smile back, but I am faking it. I constantly have this sick feeling that I should be worrying about something I've forgotten to worry about because I am so busy worrying about Dad, and a job, and moving, and money that I must be missing something and... Deep breaths. Screen blurring. I want to go to sleep and wake up and all of this will be over. Except that the only thing I dream about right now is the hospital and people getting sick. Last night I had a doozey about Ben. Don't ask me about it.

So that's how I'm doing. I could go on, but my whining is starting to annoy me. Cause if I'm honest, I feel like no one should be allowed to whine but Dad. And Mom. Mom can whine. (And my forum friend. She's got a good excuse. But that's it. That's as far as my compassion is stretching right now.) I don't want to hear about anyone's problems but theirs, not even mine. Oh, I know. I know I've got everything all blown out of proportion, and there are bigger problems in the world, and everyone has pain in their lives, and I need to take a step back and see the bigger picture, and I can't let this run my life, and I'm wound up tighter than, oh for crying out loud, I can't even think of something that would be wound up tight. I quit. I'll talk to all of you later.

For now, I'm fine. And I'll probably be fine for a while.