Friday, June 29, 2007

Stinkin' Froink

Dad's foot/leg have been swelling for a while now. He thought he had a blood clot a few weeks ago, but they didn't find any with the ultrasound. Today he went for another and they did find one near his knee. Apparently, the technician said his doctor would be called and in touch with Dad to tell him what to do, but as of right now know one has told him what to do. Since the weekend is coming, and since Ang is smart, they called HealthLine and the nurse told them to take Dad to emergency right away. (Which is what he was told the last time they thought he had a blood clot.) So... Mom and Dad and Ang will be in emergency tonight while his doctor sits around watching a movie and twiddling his thumbs, because he either hasn't been informed or doesn't feel like doing anything about it on the long weekend.

I have to say. My trust factor for doctors right now is at about mmmmm... 10%. And they only get 10% for knowing what to do. I have 0% trust that they will actually do it.

Stomach churning... Fists clenching... Anxiety building... Deeps breaths. Deep soothing breaths. I'm not so much worried as I am frustrated that Dad has had a blood clot for weeks now, and it seems like no one is doing anything about it. I'm gonna go surf the net for information on blood clots and do some praying for my dad. I'll update you when I hear from Ang. Please pray.

UPDATE: I talked to Ang and she said they gave Dad a shot to dissolve the clot. They couldn't get a hold of the ultrasound results, so the doctor there treated it like it was a serious clot and gave him the fancy expensive medicine to make sure that he would be okay. Dad has to go back tomorrow. Apparently, lots of cancer patients end up with blood clots. Now that they know he is prone to them they will take better care to make sure he doesn't get any more. So Dad is taken care of and I'm going to bed. No worries.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

It's not too fair.

These words have been despairingly wailed in our house a few times over the last few months... "It's not fair! I said it's not fair Mummy! You made me cry!" It seems that Benjamin has finally found his inner toddler. When he was first learning to talk one of his favorite things to say was, "It's not too fair!" Which was so cute. He had no idea what it meant. He got it from a song he heard on Treehouse, and used to walk around saying it to himself. He had the order of the words mixed up, which made it even cuter. And he couldn't say his R's. Sigh. He was so cute. Don't tell Ben this, but I still think he's cute when he yells "It's not fair!" in frustration. I know what he means. Sometimes I feel like yelling the same thing.
Our yard is a pretty good example of unfairness in action. I stink at yard work. I like mowing the lawn. I like chopping things down. I like killing weeds with chemicals, but I am not a gardener by any stretch of the imagination. Really. I don't plant things, I don't water, I don't fertilize, I don't weed, and I don't dig. And yet, if you look around our yard there are beautiful flowers in bloom all summer. Someone who I never met planted them years ago before we bought the house. And now, no matter how badly I abuse them, they continue to flourish. It makes me feel a little guilty when I look at them, blooming so beautifully everywhere, in amongst the weeds. They don't belong here. They should be in the yard of someone who appreciates them and nurtures them. But they aren't. They're in my yard. It's not fair, really.
But that's life isn't it? Some dads get sick and others don't. Some dads work hard their whole lives, help others, raise their children with love and affection, are responsible members of their communities, and love God. Other dads abuse their kids, drink and drive, live off of society, and make the people around them miserable. If life was fair my dad wouldn't be sick.
Some people can't have babies and others can. Some people would give those babies wonderful loving homes and thank God every day for the blessing of children. Others get pregnant by accident and have abortions, or keep their children to raise them with apathy or even resentment. It's not fair.
I could go on couldn't I? We all could. We could list off so many things. Sometimes when I watch the news, or listen to a friend's troubles, or think about my own life, I want to wail and cry like Ben does at the unfairness of everything. It's one of the things I struggle with most. It's one of the things that manages to make me doubt God and His love most. I can't understand why He lets people's babies die. I can't understand why He lets the guilty go unpunished and the innocent suffer. I can't understand why He allows some people to prosper and others to struggle. I can't understand. And so I question Him. And sometimes I resent Him. And before I can trust Him with everything I am, I want Him to make everything around me right. Fair.
Today Ben told me it wasn't fair when I wouldn't let him have candy for breakfast. I laughed and shook my head. He's not big enough to understand why I make some of my decisions. I know my requests to God aren't as ridiculous and meaningless as candy for breakfast, but I have to wonder... I have to hope and trust... I have to believe that sometimes when things don't seem fair, it's only because I am not big enough to understand. And that sometimes, things might not be fair, but if they were I would miss out on a lot of happiness because I know for a fact I don't deserve many of the things I've been blessed with.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Where have I been all your life?

I'm back. I know it's been a while and I'd like to say I missed you but... Actually, I did miss you. A big wet mwah to all of you out there, and an update since I can't think of anything interesting to say but I wanted you to know I am still alive.

While I was gone a few things have happened...

Dad taught Ben to fish and started yet another obsession that I may need to control with medication. (New post coming.)

Sammy started talking.

Kim gave me a fancy award on her blog.

Shirley got some work done without me here to distract her.

Ang went camping. I'm not sure if she survived or if she fell off her air mattress and is laying at the bottom of some lake since she hasn't bothered to call me or update her status on facebook.

So that's it. That's the best I can do for now. I am not a big fan of the newsy post telling you about all the things I've been doing and will be doing, but it's all I've got and I'm guessing all you're gonna get for the next while. This week will be a busy one again. Glen is finally on the home stretch which is great because it means summer vacation is coming and not so great because it means I am single parenting and marking multiple choice exams plus trying to catch up with the yard and house work that has gone untended while I was gone. (Our lawn... You should see our lawn. Oh, the horror.) But by Friday it will all be over and we will officially be on vacation so I'll make it no prob. It just means things might be a bit scarce on here for a while longer. If you get bored, sign up for facebook, and we can all write on each other's walls without getting in trouble from our mommies.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Rock. On.

Here is an example of the general sorts of things Ang and I like to do when we're together.

Friday, June 15, 2007

At Least No One Got Hurt...

... Wait. That's not entirely true. But no one got seriously hurt.

I seem to have acquired a pruning addiction. Recently, it got a little out of control and my friend Shirley and I went on pruning binge in my backyard. We were both a little hung over afterwards, large parts of the day are missing, Ben dropped pruning shears on his toe, Sam fell off the deck, and somehow we both ended up with tattoos.
This "tree" used to be a rather large and imposing group of bushes. Now it is just a rather large and imposing pile of branches. Notice the size of the paddling pool compared to the size of the pile beside it. There is one back behind the "tree" that is about twice as big. I should tell you that all of this pruning happened in under an hour with numerous declarations of "I should stop. Take these things from me! Okay, I'm done. I'm stopping. Let's just go have lunch."
This part is a bit blurry. I seem to remember taking a hammer and hitting our monstrosity of a waterfall with it and saying, "I hate this thing! Why can't it just... Hey, that rock is loose now." Then Shirley saying, "Get me a hammer."
Before I knew it the waterfall that I thought we would be stuck with forever was reduced to yet another pile ready for Glen to haul away. Lucky guy.
In other news, we parked our van in our garage for the first time since we lived here. I am putting up photographic evidence so that people who have been here will believe me. (For those of you who haven't been here, you should know that our garage has been filled with junk for the last three years. Unreal amounts of junk.)

And that's it from here for now. This weekend is Father's Day so obviously, I am going to Martensville to annoy my dad. I'm bringing his grandson's though, so I know he'll have to let me in the house. (I'm telling you, having kids was the best idea ever.) See you soon, Dadaloo! I think maybe Ang and I will bring back the Scottish accents this weekend. I've been missing screaming at Roscoe with a Scottish brogue. "RRROSCOE! YOU HORRIBLE ANIMAL! COME HERE SO I CAN RUB MY DIRTY FEET ON YOU!" (Ang and I can only do Scottish accents yelling very loudly. I don't know why no one else thinks it's funny...)

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

For Glen...

Sigh... I want to go back there don't you?

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Lots of Hands

Tomorrow I am going to apply for a job for the first time in years. I hate job hunting. It makes me feel nauseated, and I'm not really even hunting. I'm just applying because it's there, and it seems like a good idea to at least look into going back to teaching. The truth is... I'm torn.

On one hand, I love being home with my boys. I feel that since we aren't desperate for the money it's the best place for me to be. I can't handle the thought of a stranger raising my child during the day, every day. I want to be here.

On the other hand, sometimes I feel very closed in. I want to pursue my dream of teaching. I want to make a difference in the lives of students. This weekend one of the students I worked with as a T.A. came for a visit. While I know that every student can't become a long term part of my life, this is what I want. I want my students to see me as more than a teacher. I want them to see me as a mentor and a friend. I want to inspire them.

On the other hand, I am okay with "just" being a mom. I really think I am. My job as a mommy affects the future just like teaching would. I have two amazing little boys depending on me. I have plenty of opportunity to "inspire" here at home.

On the other hand, I think the boys (especially Ben) would benefit from getting out of the house and having a chance to play with other children more. The job I am applying for is only part time, so I wouldn't miss out on being with Ben and Sam all day every day. I would still be with them most of the time and I think all three of us would enjoy some time away from each other.

On the other hand, I've heard so many day care horror stories. It makes me very nervous to even think of entrusting my babies to someone else. And not just for the big scary reasons. There's freaky stuff, but there's also minor things like picking up more colds and flus, and bad habits like hitting and pushing. I don't like the idea of exposing them to any of those things if I don't have to.

On the other hand, we really could use the money. We have expenses and loans that are difficult for us to pay sometimes. I would love to have enough money to be able to save for trips and special things like getting my teeth fixed. That would be fabulous.

On the other hand, teaching isn't about money for me. It can't be. And if I am leaving my boys I want it to be for more than just some extra money to make us feel more financially secure. I think it would be, but this job is a Kindergarten position. Sigh. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I wouldn't pick it as my first option that's for sure. It just takes so much energy. But since it's only part time, I feel that I could do it and do it well.

So there you go. That's what's going on in my world right now. Or at least one of the things going on. If you like, you could pray for me. Don't pray that I get the job though. Pray that the right thing will happen, whatever that is...

Monday, June 04, 2007

Just because...

I have nothing new to say. Not on here anyways. I'm having one of those days. Ben is testing me. I had a confrontation with someone I love. I got some disappointing news regarding something I was looking forward to. It was one of those days when my emotions seem raw and exposed and I wish I was anyone but me.

So, to cheer myself up, and because I can't figure out if this should go on
Ben's blog or Sam's, here's a picture of my boys playing with their adorable cousin Noah. I love this picture. It's one of my all-time favorites. We're talking cuteness times three. Plus, check out Sam's tongue.