Friday, November 02, 2007

This Doesn't Count

There are days, like today, when I miss the other me. I miss fun Becky. I miss cute Becky. I miss bubbly Becky. She's swell. I like being around her.

These days I spend a lot more of my time with grumpy Becky. Frustrated Becky hangs around a lot. Mean Becky shows up every now and then. And tired Becky never leaves me alone. She's not just sleepy tired though. She's "Knock-knock jokes are so tired" tired. Worn out. Lame. Passé. She bugs me the most. She's the one that brings along the Beckies I don't like whenever she visits. I feel bad for the people that have to hang around with all of us.


It seems that letting myself go has become a bit of a habit with me. On so many levels. And if you think about the phrase, it's more about what's happening inside than it is outside. The part that people can see is only a symptom of what's really going on. Inside, I find I'm letting myself slack off on most of the things that are important to me, including my faith. It's not about making a conscious choice to settle for less, but instead, just letting whatever is going to happen... happen. And that's less. I don't like that about my life right now.

I know I've said this before, but when I take a minute and compare what I dreamed my life would be to what it is, I'm shocked. It's not everything, just some things. I always expected to have a family. That part doesn't surprise me. I like being able to be at home with my boys. What does surprise me is how much of the other stuff gets pushed aside for that one dream. And I allow it. I don't discipline myself to choose a better way.


I need to stop letting myself go. To borrow a tired saying, I need to find myself again. The self I liked and respected. The self I enjoy spending time with. Because I am sick of hanging around with someone who lets me, my family, and my God down over and over again.

That's all. I just needed to get that off my chest (I've got enough on there without adding anything to it) before I post again with the long awaited picture(s). (By the way, we still can't figure out exactly what's going on. Glen has said some things about drivers and ports that I don't really understand. The good news is that I will be at mom and dad's on Saturday where I can load my photos onto their computer and then onto our zip drive and then I'll be able to bring them home and load them up here... Or I could just post from there. Whichever.)


So... Anyways... Umm... Starting now.

5 comments:

  1. Man. I think the first step should probably be going to bed earlier. Mom. Tell me to go to bed.

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  2. i know exactly how you feel. it's like what i wrote the other day...being a Mom & a wife takes it's emotional toll...
    but He will sustain us. He'll get us through another day.
    and He'll make sure that you understand what an amazing Mommy you are...and a wonderful woman to boot.
    love ya.

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  3. Becky, it's like you went inside my head and pulled out what I've been wanting to say for a long time.

    It's one of those things I know (I've let myself go) but fear saying it out loud. Because then I have to be accountable.

    I know I put myself last, particularily in the health department.

    So...I created a Life List, so that I can be mindful of my goals and dreams (also as a way to find myself again) It acts as a way for me to be accountable to myself.

    I am also creating an All About Me scrapbook. It's really helped me to get back in touch with who I really am. What I want from life and to make sure I am not just settling. Slowly but surely!

    Maybe then, when the inside is being taken care of, I might just see the reults on the outside!

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  4. Becky, thank you for sharing so honestly. I believe your post is one that so many of us can relate to. I particularly appreciated your thoughts on the one dream of being a mom and how that one dream has pushed other dreams aside. I often feel that way too. For example: I am really enjoying my new job. However, if I could choose to do something different, I might. But if my other choice meant that my boys had to go to daycare before/after school, then I wouldn't consider it. I'm just learning to accept and appreciate what God's provided for us at the moment. For example, my dream of working with Carol at the Saskatoon Inn may just have to be put off for 10 or more years, simply because my boys are truly more important than my employment location. I don't want to sound preachy at you, but there are so many moms out there who would love to have your life, i.e. being able to stay at home with your kids and not HAVING to work. Embrace this time. Think of it as an investment in the futures of two Godly men. Your boys need you right now, whether you have let yourself go or not.
    However, just as much as your boys need you, they need you to be the best mom you can be. Are there some things you could do on a weekly or bi-weekly basis that is an activity JUST FOR YOU, that doesn't involve your children? Time away from your household doing something you really enjoy will likely rejuvenate you and give you a new appreciation and perspective on your life. Just a suggestion.
    In any case, you are definitely in my prayers. I love the Becky you described in your first paragraph, but I also love the Becky who is honestly searching for herself again. You'll get there. The first step is recognizing that you want to change. Now you just need to take baby steps to get to where you want to be.
    LOTS OF HUGS being sent your way today . . .
    Kimmy

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  5. Becky,
    You know where to find my comments...
    : )

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