Thursday, February 28, 2008

Sam Comes Unglued

Today Sam woke up from his nap all wet. His bottle had leaked all over him while he slept. Not a pleasant way to wake up I suppose, but I don't think it called for the 40 minutes of SCREAMING that he tortured me with after I stripped him down, wrapped him in a warm dry blanket, and settled him on my lap with Backyardigans on the TV and a new bottle. He wouldn't let me hold him, but if I put him down he screamed even harder, flapping his arms, and convulsing with rage. I tried switching to a chocolate bottle, a strawberry bottle, grapes, strawberries, a bath, cars, putting him back in his crib, crackers, chocolate, puzzles, books, play dough, rocking, candy, chips, rootbeer, singing, and even walking around bouncing him, which I never do. Glen does that.

Nothing worked. He just screamed at me harder when I tried anything. So I sat on the couch and looked at him. He ran at me and jumped around screaming even harder, stomping his feet, with his whole body tensing with fury with every cry. So I put out my arms and asked him if he wanted to come up. He did. He came up and sat on my lap for two seconds, then thrashed around wildly screaming like a lunatic, before head butting me and sliding off my lap. Then he started the whole process again. Scream on the floor, up on my lap, thrash around, back down to the ground. And repeat. And again. And then he did it some more. I thought he was going to pop a blood vessel or blow out his voice box. Honestly. I was starting to wonder if something had happened to his brain while he slept and left him demented for life.

He seems fine now. Kids are so bizarre.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Is Anyone Out There?

It's been a while. I have to wonder if anyone is still checking this thing, or if you've all given up on me ever posting again and moved on to better things. Or, possibly, I already lost you all way before the two week break by only putting up links to old posts for weeks on end...

Anyways, I'm back. We went to Saskatoon for a week or so, then to Regina for two days. Here are some random things floating around my mind now that I am back at home with my computer ready to capture all the floaties and publish them for you all to read. (If you're still out there.)

  • Ben is almost four. To me that means he is almost a little boy. I can't stop thinking about it. I think I may have said this before, and it's pretty morbid, but in some ways it feels to me like he's dying. I will never get to hang out with 2-year-old Ben again. He's gone forever and I can't get him back. Sometimes I miss him. Don't get me wrong. I know I'll love 4-year-old Ben just as much, but he'll die too, and then I'll miss him the way I miss all the other Ben's that have come and gone. I'm not sure what brought this on. I think it may have been Sam learning to say "I love you" this week. I remember when Ben first said I love you...


  • Winter sucks. It makes me depressed and anxious and I'm tired of it. Next year I'm going to tan. I think I can tough it out till Spring this year, but next year... I'm going to tan. For my sake and for the sake of my kids. (And Glen too I suppose.) I just get so irritable, I'm not myself at all, especially when it comes to the boys. You want a deep personal confession? Too bad, you're getting one anyways: Sometimes I feel like I'm bipolar. One minute fine, happy, relaxed... The next minute furious, tense, and struggling with everything in me not to lash out at the people I love most. It happens so quickly, I know it can't be normal. Next year I'm going to tan. I think it will help.
  • I wish I hadn't given up chips for lent. I had good reasons at the time, and I'm sure they'll come back to me, but right now I am having trouble remembering what they are in the light of my intense need to unhealthily love myself by making a steaming hot plate of nachos.
  • Cancer is hard work. I could never understand when I would hear people say they're just tired of fighting and wouldn't be taking anymore treatments. I understand now. I don't feel it, I'm not anywhere close to feeling it, but I understand it now. It drags on you every day, less and less right now, but the weight and quantity of worry that comes with cancer is sometimes so overwhelming. Dad is doing great right now, comparatively speaking, and still there is worry. I can hardly remember what it was like to be the daughter who took his presence in my life for granted, who could show up to visit him with a cold, who could blithely make summer plans, and who couldn't even imagine this place I now find myself in. It's getting better. It really is, but I was thinking this week that I get it. I get how a person could say they're too tired to fight. And I'm not even the one doing all the fighting. My dad is my hero, and my mom is my heroine.
  • Superstore is dumb. Today I went grocery shopping and I couldn't buy even one tray of skinned chicken. No chicken breasts, no chicken thighs. What kind of a grocery store doesn't stalk skinless chicken? A stupid one. Stupidstore. And don't think I'm just whining about a fluke... This happens all the time. More usually with extra lean ground beef. Today they had extra lean ground beef, so I bought two giant trays of it, because who knows when it will be back. Next time I see chicken I'll have to make sure to buy enough to last me a good two months. Someday when I am rich and famous I won't have to shop there, and it will make all the hounding paparazzi and tabloid pictures of me fat on the beach worth it. I couldn't get any beet pickles or pure apple juice today either. Stupid.
So that's it. It's not much, but it's something, which is better than nothing, which is more than usual, at least lately. The ironic thing is when Spring comes and I can finally go outside, I'll probably feel more like myself, and more like writing, which would require staying inside since I don't have a laptop. Which brings me to one more floatie:
  • Last week I saw this comedian do a bit (on a TV special) about that Alanis Morissette song Ironic. It was funny. I like Alanis, but that song has always made me a little crazy. (And yes, I am aware that she claims the real irony is that the song isn't ironic. I'm not buying what she's selling though.) I can't remember all the jokes the guy on TV made, just the first one... "It's a traffic jam when you're already late." So not ironic Alanis. Just crappy timing. Now, if you were stuck in traffic and already late and you were a city planner... Heh heh... That would be ironic. Here's an article for those grammar buffs who, along with me, think that song should be called "Shit Happens."

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Remember September

This is my favorite post from September, and is particularly good for me to revisit today since the boys are driving me insane. Sam and I have both caught what Ben has, which is a very mild cold that I think will go away super speedy quick. As a result, there are twice as many boogers getting rubbed on shirt sleeves and my furniture, and even, yes this grossed me out, my hair. I put my boogers in tissues, but the boys have not quite got a handle on the whole "blowing/wiping noses on little pieces of very thin and soft paper" thing. I really don't enjoy watching them lick it off of their top lips either, so I've done a lot of chasing, catching, and pinning them to the floor to wipe their cute little noses today.

They are both incredibly hyper for children who are sick. Honestly, it's on days like this when mommies like me end up feeling like big mean failures. They are just getting on my last nerves and it doesn't help that Ben taught Sammy to ask the most irritating of all childhood questions: "Why?" It's a good thing spring break is coming because we all need a break from each other in the worst way.

When I read that post from September today it made me look forward to Spring even more than I have been. Being a mommy is so much easier when you can take your kids outside. SO much easier.

So, if you think of it, say a prayer for a mommy you know today. There are lots of us stuck in the house with our kids running up the walls, throwing pillows off the couch, pulling our tupperware out of our cupboards and throwing it in toilets, stripping themselves naked, ignoring their toys, sliding cookies into vcr's, climbing our legs, rubbing boogers in our hair, kicking each other in the face, and pouring cooking oil on our freshly washed floors. And if you have time to do more than say a prayer for her, call her up and head over to watch her kids for an hour so she can watch Survivor without a toddler using her body as a jungle gym in the meantime.

And to all you mommies out there, remember: Spring is coming. Spring is coming. It comes every year, and this year will be no different. Deep breaths. You're not alone.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

In August

Ben's sick. Which is going to make visiting my dad during spring break pretty much impossible. Unless he gets better soon. Very soon. I'm honestly too upset to even talk about it. Actually, just in general, this week has been hard. Sam... Sam. I think he may have stolen some speed from my stash of street drugs. He just WILL. NOT. STOP. I really feel completely at the end of my rope with him. Actually, everything is feeling a bit overwhelming right now for me, and I found myself crying in bed with a pillow over my head for a while tonight.

So I was both happy and sad to discover this post from August of last year. It's my favorite for obvious reasons and it makes me sad for other obvious reasons.

In other news, I have to show off what I've been working on the past few days... I helped my blogging friend Christy snazify her blog and I am in love with the results. Take a look at it. Isn't it pretty? It honestly has been the highlight of my week.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

July Was Full of Tears

Last year in the summer my Grampa went to the hospital for a week, and then he went to stay with Jesus forever. Tonight I was fooling around on the computer a little and thought I'd whip up a quick post, until I realized July was that month. It's funny that it worked out this way, because I've been thinking about Grampa (and Gramma) a lot this week without realizing my next post would have to be about him. There aren't very many posts in July, and almost all of them are about my Grampa. This one is my favorite. Read it again, because I can't find it in myself right now to talk about what Grampa means to me and how much I miss him.

Instead I'm going to go look at some pictures and listen to some songs and when I'm done I'll post the results here. (Ang, don't watch this if you are at work.)

video

I miss him. I miss his laugh. I miss his tears. I miss listening to him sing. I miss singing for him. I miss holding his hand. I miss hugging him. I miss him hugging me. I miss hearing him pray.

I'm not, by any means, the only person missing my Grampa. He was, and still is, dearly loved and missed by all of us, especially my Gramma. When I look at pictures of his life, there's still nothing that shines more clearly to me than the love my grandparents shared, and how much she must miss him now... But just for now.

I love you Gramma, and I'm praying for you. Have a great time in BC, but make sure you don't forget to come home.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Merry Christmas

Since I took our Christmas tree down just last week, I thought this week I should finish up one last Christmas project: The Gingerbread House. You should know that this was given to Ben and Sam as a gift AFTER Christmas, so I'm not as late as I could be, but I'm still pretty far behind. I figure as long as I get all the Christmas stuff done before Valentine's Day, and the Valentine's Day stuff done before Easter, etc., we're still running pretty much on time.

Poor Ben. He's been waiting a very long time to do this. I have this thing with wanting the house to be clean before I make a big mess though, so he's had to be patient. Last night before he went to sleep I told him we would do it during Sam's nap and he was so excited... So excited that by ten this morning he asked Sam, "Aren't you getting tired Sammy? See's rubbing hisself Mummy! Sammy? Do you need a bottle? I think he needs a bottle Mummy!" (Sam usually naps at around two in the afternoon.)

After a long morning of putting Ben off, and trying to amuse him with things Sam could do too, the moment finally arrived. Sam went to bed, the table was cleared, and we made ourselves a pretty sweet gingerbread house... (Get it? Sweet?)

Ben was VERY pleased with the results.

Close-up. The cookie with the orange buttons is me.
Ben has red buttons. (Of course.)
Sammy is behind the tree and is, actually, a tree.
Glen's at work.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

The June-o's

And the award for my favorite post in June of 2007 goes to: It's Not Too Fair. Not to sound braggy, but this post really has it all. It's thoughtful, it's honest, it's pretty. Some of my posts are just posts, but every now and then I write one and when I'm finished I sit back and feel so satisfied and happy with how it came out.

A close runner up was this one, which actually isn't much of a post but it has a video that makes me laugh every time I watch it. Actually, I like it so much I'm going to re-post it here for everyone's (okay fine, maybe not yours, but mine and Ang's anyways) enjoyment.



I'm feeling a little lighter than I have been lately. January and February are usually hard months for me. I know it's not my fault, and I know it will feel better once spring gets here, but as many of you know who struggle with depression, it's not an easy place to be. (And my depression is only mild and temporary.) I hate feeling anxious all the time without knowing why, and this year I already have plenty to feel anxious about. But today the sun was warm and the wind was soft on my face when I went outside. As I drove Ben to preschool with the window in the van open I felt something inside of me loosen... A physical feeling of relief from tension, like when you're pregnant and you'd like to be able to get just one deep breath? That's how I felt, like I could breathe. I know winter's not over, I know this weather won't last, but the sun is staying out longer every day, and spring is in sight.

Anyways, if you're wondering why I haven't been posting, and when I do I only post part of Mom's tag... And if you're wondering why it has been taking me so long to take my turn on Scrabulous... That's why. I'm not interested in much of anything right now except sleeping and being lazy, but things should be getting back to normal very soon.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Because My Mom Wants to Know...

For someone who never took typing and only uses only one of the fingers on my left hand and two from my right hand to type, I'd say this is a pretty impressive score. (At least I'm impressed. And I bet my mom will be. Because she's my mom after all.)

51 words

How Fast Are You?