Sunday, November 08, 2009

Feeling Better Feels Worse

Back before Dr. Phil went all Jerry Springer, I watched this show where we was helping a woman who could not "move on" after her daughter died. I don't remember much more about the episode other than him telling her, "The depth, breadth, and longevity of your grief are not a reflection of how much you cared about the person."

Huh. That made way more sense to me when I heard it the first time.

Usually I am pretty sad. Usually, if I let myself think at all, I cry. But I'm finding more and more that I can push away the grief when I want to. I can even hold it together through things like cancer commercials, "The official sponsor of birthdays," and finding his reading glasses in the garage... More and more.

Which is heart wrenching. It's very painful to discover that losing someone isn't as painful as it first was. So days when it doesn't hurt so much... End up hurting just as much, if that makes any sense. Which I suppose, it doesn't have to.

Tomorrow it will be one month that he has been gone. One whole month. It feels like nothing and like forever. It feels like having him was a dream, and like not having him now is a dream. I look at pictures and videos and I can't work out in my heart which part is real. They can't both be real. I can't have had everything that he was to me and lost it. That can't be. So my heart tries to pick only one to be real. Which one though? The having? Or not having? Both? How can that be? How did this happen? How did this happen? How? I can't understand.

So I brush it aside and it doesn't hurt so much. And that hurts.

7 comments:

  1. you just described how I have been feeling and now I can't read my keyboard...

    I just keep telling myself I'll cry later and now a whole month has gone by. It just doesn't seem real and I am tired of feeling like I have to be strong. I miss him so much and it hurts.

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  2. Awe. I'm sorry. I wish I could hug you.

    Pushing away those tears is necessary, they are just too painful aren't they? Letting yourself REALLY cry, not just a few tears, but really cry, is scary because you wonder how you can ever stop... But at some point...

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  3. that makes total sense to me. I think everyone who loses someone they love get to those certain milestones - a month, a year - and are shocked that they survived it. But surviving something like that sucks too, so it's also sad.

    I wish I could hug you too. I keep thinking, I didn't even get to hug you after you found out he was sick, and still no hug now that he's gone. This stinks. Love you though.

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  4. I don't miss your father, husband, brother near as much as any of you do. I don't have the reference point for the loss that you all do. It is all unreal to me, but in a way more detached way because I never got to be as close to John as you all were, so the unreal part to me is that you have all lost this wonderful man that you all loved so much and it just makes me ache for you and wish I could somehow help make it better.

    It was a beautiful, heartfelt post, Becky and it totally makes sense.

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  5. Wow.

    And {{hugs}}

    And that's all. Because not having been through that (yet), anything more would be less than what I actually am feeling.

    I'm so sorry.

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