I was looking at some pictures from the year you first got sick and remembering how I felt some of those days, and I'm so sorry.
Some of those days I remember feeling frustrated. Frustrated that you wouldn't come along, or frustrated that we had to go home early because your back hurt... Never really frustrated with you, but sometimes it must have felt like that to you, when I would try to convince you to come, or try to drag things out when it was time to go. Of course it wasn't you I was frustrated at, it was stupid cancer, and how it was changing everything.
I know sometimes I wished you could just somehow be like you used to be, and I'm so sorry if that ever made you feel like I thought you weren't trying hard enough. Because I know you tried.
I think about the day before you died a lot. I think about that night we rushed to the hospital because you were bleeding, and I think about the morning you said you were tired of fighting. And I'm sorry for what I said then. I'm so sorry I asked you to keep trying. I think about the way your voice sounded when you told me, "I'm trying." And I think about you telling us over and over how sorry YOU were. I hate that you felt that you needed to tell us that. I hate the idea that I made you feel like you weren't doing enough, and if I could take back any words I ever said to you it would be those ones.
Because all those days that you fought through the pain and the weakness to go places and do things with us and for us. All those long nights when you couldn't sleep. You fought so hard for so long and never gave up till that one night, and even then you changed your mind and said you would fight. For us. I know it was for us.
I'm a selfish girl who got more than I ever deserved and still wanted more. You tried for us with everything you had, and I'm sorry that I asked you to try even harder. I hope you know that. I hope you knew it.
Monday, April 19, 2010