Friday, April 09, 2010

Still

Half a year. Half a year without my dad. Before this happened if I knew someone who lost someone close I would have thought a half a year was a long time in the world of grief. But it's not really. I would have thought by now that a person would be starting, at least starting, to be okay. I didn't realize that this first year is not really about being okay. It's about just making it through. Or at least, it is for a lot of people. I know I'm not the only one.

It's still just about that, just making it through... Just the way it was all those days he was sick and in pain, all those days we were scared, and those days in the hospital in Seattle, and then the days getting home and getting things ready, and the day of his funeral, and all the long days after that. I assume at some point it becomes more than just making it through, but right now, it's mostly still just that.


I try to pretend otherwise, to myself, and to other people. I feel like I'm letting him down, I'm letting everyone down with my inability to "move on", to be able to be thankful for what we had without feeling resentful that it's gone. I feel like if people know how I really am, they'll think I'm wallowing, or trying to get attention, or being a drama queen, but if I'm honest, I haven't made very much progress towards being okay. I'm still just getting by. I'm still a lot of things...

I still can't believe all of this happened. I really can't.
I still think of Dad every hour of every day.
I still have trouble sleeping at night.
I still count all the firsts, and seconds and thirds without him.
I still find little reminders of him when I least expect them, and they still hurt.
I still find myself replaying his last days with us over and over.
I still feel like there must be a way to fix this.
I still picture him in the places he used to be.
I still touch things he touched just to feel closer to him.
I still hurt like we lost him yesterday, sometimes more.

And I still miss him more with every minute that passes without being with him, talking to him, fighting with him, teasing him, laughing with him, hugging him.

I still cry every day.

6 comments:

  1. i wish i could hug you. love from over here.

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  2. Sometimes I think we get so used to "do-overs" that we forget that there is not always going to be a replay or rerun or rewind for everything that happens. There's always that thought that if I just had one more hour, one more day, or one more year I could handle this better or I would be less sad. I would be more prepared for the inevitable. But there isn't always a way to prepare for things that happen and no amount of preparation in this case would have helped. Sometimes grief lasts longer because we are afraid to let go of it. Letting go of the grief becomes somehow letting go of the person. Starting to forget, means starting to forget the person. I also think, that given your situation, with three small ones at home and a life to lead, you maybe haven't really given yourself the actual time to REALLY grieve so that it's running in the background all the time. You know how when a faucet starts to have a mineral build up and, if you run it at it's regular pace with the screen in place, some of the minerals can get out, but if you really want to clear it up you have to take off the screen and run the water full blast. That is when you see all the rust and grit fly out. It's like that. Just saying.
    I could be all wrong, but it's just a thought.
    I love you Becky!

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  3. oh, and I accidentally sent before I could tell you that my word verification was:
    plations

    they just left off the first part, haha
    contem plations

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  4. Different people process grief in different ways. And it doesn't seem to be linear. I believe it is better to grieve well, even if that means to grieve long. Some people try to move on too quickly. Yet, they never really heal. It is my prayer that God will grant you wisdom and grace to grieve well, whatever that may look like in your situation. Take care Becky.

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  5. My dear friend, you wallowing, or seeking attention, or being a drama queen, never even entered the realm of my thinking. Wish I could make things better for you. Love and hugs...

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  6. There is no time frame set in stone or in any thing else for that matter as to how long. There is no right way or wrong way. There is nothing to take away the pain or to speed the process. Don't be afraid to express it. You are not seeking attention and you are not a drama queen. That position is already taken anyway. You are just plain sad and hurting. I wish so many times that a band-aide and a kiss could fix it. Life used to be so much simpler and happy.

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