You know, I wish I had it in me to blog the way I used to. I really do. But I don't.
And you know what else? Eight months used to seem like a long time to me.
But now I feel the world moving around me, and I'm standing still. Actually, not really even standing. Crumpled. I'm still as crumpled as I felt when he slipped away from us that day. Maybe more crumpled. I still can't even seem to move past the disbelief. It's still there, as strong as it ever has been... So strong that I still find it easier to deal with things by pushing all of it away, and I constantly feel that sharp breath-stealing pain every time that I can't help but think of him. Which is a lot. I think of him a lot. I miss him more every day. This gets worse every day. It's still getting worse. So maybe I'm not even holding still. Maybe I'm going backwards.
So I suppose this blog, as it is right now, is a pretty accurate depiction of me, as I am right now. At a stand still. Or a slow backwards descent. In a place that only a few people understand or even really care about. And really, they're the only ones I really understand and care about too.
So mostly, I just miss him more every day while the rest of the world goes on about it's business.
And you wanna know one more thing? I don't care. Go on. Go right ahead. You suck anyways. You stupid world. You great big stupid world.
Monday, May 31, 2010