Monday, May 31, 2010

Going Nowhere

Blah.

You know, I wish I had it in me to blog the way I used to. I really do. But I don't.

And you know what else? Eight months used to seem like a long time to me.

But now I feel the world moving around me, and I'm standing still. Actually, not really even standing. Crumpled. I'm still as crumpled as I felt when he slipped away from us that day. Maybe more crumpled. I still can't even seem to move past the disbelief. It's still there, as strong as it ever has been... So strong that I still find it easier to deal with things by pushing all of it away, and I constantly feel that sharp breath-stealing pain every time that I can't help but think of him. Which is a lot. I think of him a lot. I miss him more every day. This gets worse every day. It's still getting worse. So maybe I'm not even holding still. Maybe I'm going backwards.

So I suppose this blog, as it is right now, is a pretty accurate depiction of me, as I am right now. At a stand still. Or a slow backwards descent. In a place that only a few people understand or even really care about. And really, they're the only ones I really understand and care about too.

So mostly, I just miss him more every day while the rest of the world goes on about it's business.


And you wanna know one more thing? I don't care. Go on. Go right ahead. You suck anyways. You stupid world. You great big stupid world.

4 comments:

  1. You are in my prayers today.

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  2. Nothing to say. Lots to think and if I was there I would have something to say, but nothing to say here. Going backwards is the same as going down. When you get to the bottom, God will be there to lift you up. He is waiting to carry you. So, I guess I did have something to say. I love you, Becky. Hang in there.

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  3. *hugs and hugs and hugs and hugs and hugs and hugs and hugs* Because I don't have words. I never do. But I love you and miss you and I'm so sorry.

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  4. Hey Becky.

    That's all. Just "Hey".

    That and a squeeze. (Love you.)

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