Tuesday, September 21, 2010

What's Up

I thought I'd give you a quick rundown of what's been going on around here. Just because my plan was to get back to blogging.

  • My other plan was to make a quilt for Ben this week. They get these patches in Beavers that are just "fun" patches that don't go on their uniforms. Their leader suggested us moms could sew the extra patches onto a favourite blanket. Of course, I have to take it over the top as usual, and I want to make him a cute camping quilt to sew the patches on. That was my plan anyways.
  • I have no laptop right now. Hannah poured Diet Pepsi into the keyboard and I'm waiting for it to dry. Actually, I'm waiting for the water I poured into to it to rinse out the Diet Pepsi to dry. It's been a week now. I'm scared to turn it back on.
  • Ben is wearing a tie to school pictures tomorrow. I bought a new sweater for him to wear, but he wants to wear his shirt and tie. I love him.
  • Hannah's new phrase is "Go away." Yesterday when she talked to Ang on the phone that's all she said. "Go away." Ha ha! Classic.
That's pretty much it. Except for this:
  • This is the worst September ever. I would have said last year was, because it was so stressful and I was so worried about Dad, but at least he was here for me to worry about. I miss him more every day. Today Hannah did something sort of cute and all I wanted was to be able to call him to tell him about it. It was the kind of thing that everyone else would think was boring. But Dad wouldn't. Living through this whole year without him is complete crap, but even thinking about living the whole rest of my life without him is much crappier.
That's it.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Tutu Much for Words

Oh Hannah, I know you don't have any idea, but you just make your mommy so happy. SO happy. I remember dreaming about you, waiting for you, and now you're here and you're everything we could have wished for, and just SO much more.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

I'm Still Here

Oh, it's been a long time hasn't it? I kept meaning to get back to writing stuff, but I've found myself putting it off because since I've been gone so long it seemed like I needed to write something monumental to start things off again... Or at least something new.

I was going to put up a post with a summer slide show, but those things take forever, and the last one I made makes me so sad now, that doing another just seems like a lot, and I really usually mostly made them to cheer up Dad.

I was going to put up a post all about Ben's first day of school, but that seems like something that should go over on his also-neglected blog, and I really need to get that one caught up and that is really a lot. And it doesn't do this blog much good.

I was going to put up a post about September, and how it feels to be living this month constantly thinking back to last September and how I remember saying something like, "Even though this week has been rough, I'm scared that by this time next year I could be wishing to live it over again because at least my dad is here alive in this world." But... No one wants to hear about that. Because I've said it. It's nothing new.

I feel like the most important thing about me right now, the thing that still sums up where I am, what I'm thinking, and how I'm doing? Is just the same as it's been for a year now. I'm in Seattle. My heart still feels like it got left behind in Seattle.

And how many times, in how many ways, can I say the same thing? And when will I stop feeling like losing Dad defines me? "I'm Becky, and my dad died from cancer last fall." Seriously, that says a LOT about me, about my days, about my heart right now. And how do I change that? Because I feel like when he was alive he was a big part of my life, and of me, and of who I was... I was John's daughter. That was an important part of me, that IS an important part of me, of who I am.

Not to say that there aren't other things, now and then, that define me... Because there are, and were... Blah. I'm not even making sense to myself anymore.

I guess the point of this whole post is this: There's really not much to say, or at least not much to say that makes sense. I can't keep writing about that stuff, and I don't really want to write about anything else, so I haven't written much of anything. I'm going to try though. I am. I miss my blog. And I'm missing enough without adding my blog to that list.