Thursday, September 09, 2010

I'm Still Here

Oh, it's been a long time hasn't it? I kept meaning to get back to writing stuff, but I've found myself putting it off because since I've been gone so long it seemed like I needed to write something monumental to start things off again... Or at least something new.

I was going to put up a post with a summer slide show, but those things take forever, and the last one I made makes me so sad now, that doing another just seems like a lot, and I really usually mostly made them to cheer up Dad.

I was going to put up a post all about Ben's first day of school, but that seems like something that should go over on his also-neglected blog, and I really need to get that one caught up and that is really a lot. And it doesn't do this blog much good.

I was going to put up a post about September, and how it feels to be living this month constantly thinking back to last September and how I remember saying something like, "Even though this week has been rough, I'm scared that by this time next year I could be wishing to live it over again because at least my dad is here alive in this world." But... No one wants to hear about that. Because I've said it. It's nothing new.

I feel like the most important thing about me right now, the thing that still sums up where I am, what I'm thinking, and how I'm doing? Is just the same as it's been for a year now. I'm in Seattle. My heart still feels like it got left behind in Seattle.

And how many times, in how many ways, can I say the same thing? And when will I stop feeling like losing Dad defines me? "I'm Becky, and my dad died from cancer last fall." Seriously, that says a LOT about me, about my days, about my heart right now. And how do I change that? Because I feel like when he was alive he was a big part of my life, and of me, and of who I was... I was John's daughter. That was an important part of me, that IS an important part of me, of who I am.

Not to say that there aren't other things, now and then, that define me... Because there are, and were... Blah. I'm not even making sense to myself anymore.

I guess the point of this whole post is this: There's really not much to say, or at least not much to say that makes sense. I can't keep writing about that stuff, and I don't really want to write about anything else, so I haven't written much of anything. I'm going to try though. I am. I miss my blog. And I'm missing enough without adding my blog to that list.

4 comments:

  1. It's good to see you're back. I come and check here often.
    I really wouldn't mind at all if all you ever wrote was about your dad and how you feel about it even now.
    You're being real and that is what I have always loved about your posts.
    If there are people who don't want to 'hear' it anymore, then they don't have to come here.
    But I have always been blessed by it and it helps me to realize and be aware of other peoples pain and to pray for them more often.
    ((hugs))

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  2. Becky, I was so glad to see that you posted again. Remember, this is your blog and you can write what you like. For me, writing is therapeutic and if it helps you to continue to write about your pain, go ahead. Like footstack said, if there are people who don't want to 'hear' it, they don't have to come here. I always feel blessed when you post. ((HUGS))

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  3. I missed your blog too. I also don't care what you write. And I also miss your dad. I thought I saw him driving the other day and it was a little bit strange and then I think about how things like that must happen to you guys and how hard they must be.

    Glad you're back.

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