Thursday, March 31, 2011

Thirty Day Thursday: Two

I'm not doing these all in a row. That's too much like work. I'm going to space them out. Every Thursday. How's that sound? Seems a little lazy to you? Too bad. You don't get a vote.

So here comes my least favourite song. Well, one of them. I'm sure there are songs I hate more, but whenever I hear this on the radio, which isn't often since I almost never listen to the radio, I say, "I really hate this song." It annoys me. I think it's the organ mostly. And I know some of you will gasp in horror when I say this, but I pretty much hate anything by The Doors.

Enjoy. Or don't. I won't.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

30 Day Distraction Device

It's been a rough week for me. I miss my dad. So much. This week.

Who knows why it's especially bad right now, it just is. Maybe it was Uncle Jake's visit. Maybe it was noticing how old Ben seems lately. Maybe it's because two years ago at this time Mom and Dad were getting ready to come out here to be with us when Hannah was born. Maybe it's just that sometimes when life seems overwhelming in any way, I miss knowing he was there, just a phone call away. Anyways, I miss him.

So let's work on distracting me for a bit. Mom said a few weeks ago that I should do the 30 Day Song Challenge. So, in typical Becky style, I've been working on completing the whole list for a while now so I could start posting them, knowing in advance exactly where I'm going. (I finished the list last night.)

Day one is "Your Favourite Song." I have a lot of favourites, but if I have to pick just one, it would have to be this one:

I love hymns. And this one in particular speaks to me. I remember a time in my life when I kept telling God, "When I fix this one thing..." and then another thing, and still another thing seemed to come up for me to push Him away with. I wanted to be worthy of Christ's gift before I could accept it. I still feel like that. A lot. A very lot. A very lot times infinity.

But when I listen to this song I hear that I am just where I need to be. Just as I am. Just me. And I could be doing so much better in so many areas of my life, but I don't need to be to be loved. God sees all of my weaknesses, all of the stupid things I do, he sees them and He loves me, ALL of me. The good parts, and the stupid parts. Just. As. I. Am.

(Hey! I just realized why I love Bridget Jones so much. How did I never notice that before? Bridget! I'm going to watch that tomorrow. Or read it. One or the other.)

Monday, March 28, 2011

Free Books? Yes Please!

I love Francine Rivers. So I have to enter this contest. I have no choice. Look what I could win:

Grand Prize—complete Francine Rivers Library

First Place Prize (1)—1 copy each of Her Mother’s Hope/Her Daughter’s Dream

Second Place Prize (2)—1 Mark of the Lion boxed set

Third Place Prize (3)—1 copy of A Lineage of Grace

Fourth Place Prize (4)—1 copy of Sons of Encouragement

First place would be fab, but I'd probably be just about as happy with second place.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Sunday is Funday: Three (Previously LOL Sunday: Three)

I remember the first time I saw this.

Wait. Did that storm trooper just hit his head on that door?

Rewind. He totally did.

No one showed it to me. And I got to show it to all my friends, who were HUGE Star Wars geeks. Ah, the memories.

Also, I've decided that I don't like "LOL Sunday" as a title for these posts. So I'm changing it. Starting.... Now.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Sunday is Funday: Two (Previously LOL Sunday: Two)

You've probably seen this before. Too bad. You're about to see it again because I lurv it, and it seriously makes me lol every stinkin' time.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Good Grief

Today Sam and I talked about his grampa.

I can't remember what started that turn in our conversation, we talk about him a lot, but Sammy ended the conversation today by saying "... And I hardly ever cry anymore when I'm thinking about him." I told him that was good, because Grampa wouldn't want him to be sad when we think about him.

It's funny how Sam's mommy can say that to him with a straight face. Because every night when I go to bed, and it's a night when I haven't cried that day, I feel guilty. Which is SO stupid. But the feeling is there.

I don't cry as much as I used to, and that bothers me.

And the thing is, it doesn't hurt less. At all. When I think of Dad it still feels like someone has punched me in the stomach, it takes my breath away. And it is so hard still to accept that this is my life. This is in the story of my life, and there won't be an editor who comes along and says, "Nope, that part is too sad, you need to re-write it with the dad character surviving the cancer." My story has cancer in it, and in my story my dad doesn't make it. And that is still so hard for me to accept, that I often have dreams where they have found some new treatment and Dad comes back to life so we can try to save him again.

So none of those feelings have changed. But I don't cry as much as I used to.

I'm slowly training myself to live with this pain in a way that allows me to get through some days, more and more days, without crying. Which is good. But ho man, it bothers me more than I expected it would.

So today, when I told Sammy that his grampa wouldn't want him to be sad, I felt like a bit of a hypocrite. And tonight, sitting here with the house all quiet and time to think, I'm telling myself what I told Sam, "Dad wouldn't want you to be sad. Dad would want you to be happy when you think of him. He wouldn't want you to feel guilty for not crying." Which is totally making me cry. (And laugh at myself. Dad would laugh at me too. I feel dumb even typing it.)

So what am I trying to say? I guess this post is turning into a little self talk that mostly goes like this:

I need to be okay with my grief, and how I'm dealing with it. And I've never been okay with my emotions or how I deal with them, so these ones, that seem so cuckoo crazy sometimes, are even harder to accept. I don't make sense, even to myself. But maybe I don't have to make sense, which is also a really hard thing for me to accept. I actually JUST said to Glen today, "... And you know how I get (it's not a good scene) when things don't make sense to me!" (This was in regards to the newly renovated McDonald's in Yorkton that I now HATE with a burning passion, but I digress...) It's okay that I don't cry every day, obviously. But I think it's maybe also okay (for now) that it makes me feel bad that I don't cry every day. You know?

I read on this blog today, about a dad talking to his young daughter about her grief over the loss of her little sister to cancer. She was holding in all her tears, and he used the analogy of a Coke can being shaken till it explodes when it's finally opened. And I don't want to explode with grief either. I want to allow it to bubble to the surface when I'm shaken, and not try to trap it inside because it doesn't make sense... So that instead of a messy violent explosion, I only suffer gentler surface disturbances that are allowed to pass away into nothing.

That sounds better to me.

Monday, March 14, 2011

We Wants It. We Needs It.

We must have the Precious. So bright... So beautiful... Ahhhhhh, Precious.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Sunday is Funday (Previosly LOL Sunday)

I've been working on some sewing projects today. One of them is a quilt that I've ALMOST been finished for about... Six years now.

It's Ben's 1st birthday quilt. Here's a picture:

Actually, since it's taken me SO long, it's now too small for him so I'm thinking I'm going to turn it into a book. Only I'm not quite sure how to make the pages. I'm thinking I will just back each patch with a piece of white fabric, but then that makes me think... What if I got a picture of each person (at least the special people) and Ben at that age and had it printed on the white fabric and then sewed it so it was across from the patch they made?But that seems like a lot of work. I wonder if I could somehow mount the patches on paper and put them in a scrapbook and then just get a print and glue it in beside each patch. That would be way easier...

So anyways, there's this one patch on the quilt:

Which totally reminded me of this:

Oh man, I love Trogdor the Burninator. Burninating the thatch-roofed cottageeeeeeeeeeees! I had to post him here. I wonder if I have before? (I'll have to do a search after I post this.) I posted him on facebook today, but some of you (Shirley) aren't doing facebook, so I thought you'd like to know what's going on.

Anyways, he's a blast from the past, and still makes me laugh my head off. I should have LOL Sunday once a week hey? That would be fun. I was thinking of writing this post with a whole bunch of things that make me lol, like that one part in Star Wars... But maybe I should drag it out. For a while. Until I get sick of it.

Thatch-roofed cottageeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Updated)

Check this out:

If you don't know who Tad Williams is, this post will mean nothing to you. (And I'm tempted to say you mean nothing to me, but that wouldn't be true, so I won't say it, but seriously, you should know who Tad Williams is.)

Oh man, I don't think I would be more excited if Jane Austen wrote on my wall for my birthday. Although, she is dead, so maybe that would be a "tad" more exciting. lol.

Oh, Tad. How I love you. What a perfect birthday present. :)

Happy Becky. That is me.

UPDATE: He did it again. Except this time he looked at a photo album with pictures of my kids. And he wrote this:

Tad Williams thinks my kids are killer cute. This is FANTASTIC. Although...

Seriously, how could he not?

Friday, March 04, 2011

I ❤ Amazon!

Okay. I totally only ordered these shoes late on March 1st. And they're froinkin' here already. Amazon is FAST.

But not as fast as I'll be in my snappy new shoes! (Lol. Not.)

Thursday, March 03, 2011

Shoes, Glorious Shoes!

I got nothing. And I've been meaning to write a post for a few days now, but seriously. Nothing.

So I'm going to tell you that I bought four pairs of shoes this week. So far. (Don't tell Glen.) For a while now I've been needing to get a new pair of sneakers, that aren't sneakers, to wear to soccer practice and grocery shopping. I was thinking of something along the lines of this:

But I seriously couldn't find anything even close in Regina OR Saskatoon. As usual all the summer stuff comes out in January or February and so it was impossible to find any version of these that weren't made of mesh, or open backed. So I bought these:

Just because they are froinking cute and I fell in love and couldn't resist them. And then I went to Walmart, and because I was in the shoe department hoping maybe I could find a cheap version of the Skechers I wanted, I ended up buying these for no real reason except I liked them and they were cheap:

Plus I dig the bottoms:
But I was still discouraged. I still don't have anything to wear to soccer practice and grocery shopping with my sweatpants. So I went where I always go when I can't find what I want in Saskatchewan stores... Online. To the Skechers website specifically. And I fell head over heels (lol, heels) in love with these:

But too bad for me because Skechers doesn't ship to Canada, and the Canadian Skechers site doesn't have them. And just to rub salt in the wound I found these too:

Sigh. Most perfect flip flops EVER. And have I ever told you that I have a thing for flip flops? Ho man, do I ever. And these are called "love song". And they're not available on the Canadian website.

But wait! I found them on amazon! But NO! They don't have my size. But wait! Here they are again! But NO! Again, not my size. This went on for quite a while. Hours actually. Until finally. I found the grey mary janes on amazon in my size (I'm tracking the shipment, they're already in Winnipeg.) And then I found the flip flops on some other random shoe site. Hurrah!

Now I wait.

(All shoe pictures, other than the Walmart shoes, are clickable. In case you feel the need to shoe shop. Although, I will warn you, once you start... You saw what happened to me. Reminder: Don't tell Glen.)