Ever since we lost Dad I've stopped counting January first as the start of a new year. I count my years starting on October ninth. Or maybe finishing would be more accurate. It's another year that I've made it through without him here. And this one was a doozer. I'm so glad it's over. I feel like this next one will be better. It HAS to be better. I just have to make it through the rest of today. And honestly, not counting the October ninth that we actually had to say goodbye to Dad, this one was by far and away the hardest. Actually, the pain seems almost worse now than it did then, because I know what it is to be without him now. I didn't know then. I didn't know what our lives would look like without him.
I thought all day about what I'd like to write today. I didn't come up with anything. I kept opening up the screen for a new post and staring at it, trying to find words to explain the pain of today, but I couldn't find them.
So I looked at some pictures and videos that I have saved in a file on my desktop. I love this picture.
But there was no video in the file to go with it. I thought I remembered seeing a video of Dad and Sam together like this, but I didn't know where it was. So I pulled out my stack of backup DVD's and started watching till I found it... (It's long. And yes, I should never ever wear pants like that in public.)
It broke my heart when Dad told Sam he'd buy him a knife like that when he got older. Who will buy him a knife like that now? I will, I suppose, but it won't be the same.
And there it is. There is why it hurts so much to have lost him much too soon. Nothing is the same. Nothing is even close to the same. And that hurts. It hurts to lose a dad like mine. But for me, it hurts even worse to lose my kids' grampa. Because they have never lit up with anyone the same way they did with dad. Look at this video. Look at Sam's eyes. Listen to the way they say "Grampa".
And now they have no one like that. Yes, they have people who love them DEEPLY. But it's not the same and we all know it. Watching my dad love my kids was like nothing else I've ever experienced. Seeing them adore him so completely and seeing it reflected right back in his eyes... Nothing is the same as that. Nothing is the same at all. There is a big gaping hole and I'd love to tell you people that it's healing, but it's not. If anything this year has made the hole deeper, wider, bottomless. It seems bottomless.
I'm so glad this year is almost over. I hate saying that because I have wonderful children, and friends, and family who have filled this year, but they can't fill the hole. I've made it through another year with a huge hole inside me. That's how I feel.
And then, in the midst of overwhelming sadness, feeling like my heart is physically breaking, watching all the videos of all the things that aren't the same anymore... I came across this video that I've looked and looked for in the past, but never been able to find. Till tonight. When I really needed it. The folder was titled "Stupid Is As Stupid Does". There are about half an hour of video clips, but this one is my favourite.