I watched Crazy, Stupid, Love tonight. What a great movie! I laughed, I cried, it moved me Bob. (Gold star to the person identifies the episode that quote comes from.) But seriously, it moved me. I think maybe it was just the right movie for me to watch tonight. I think there was something I needed to hear, to think. Ever since getting my mom's horrible letter something has been changing inside me. Melting, is maybe a better word. And I was ready to hear something.
"I have loved her even when I hated her... only married couples'll understand that one..."
I've screamed "I hate you!" at Glen in a lot of fights. Not until fairly recently, but once it was out the first time it got a lot easier, and came a lot more often. In my head, if I hated him I couldn't love him. In my head that part of me was gone. I'd fought hating him for so long, I'd held onto loving him, to TRYING for so long. And I was tired. So I gave up. And I hated him. And in many ways, it was a huge relief.
It never occurred to me that love could survive that kind of hate... Because I didn't want it to maybe. Or because I don't put that much faith into anything anymore. Loving is hard. Hope is HARD and it HURTS when, well, you know. I know I've said that before. That hoping Dad would be okay HURT. That hoping God would come through HURT. I feel the same about my marriage. In many ways giving up has been easier. And for a long time I've been a coward.
But lately, new thoughts have been finding their way to the surface. If Dad could do the things my mom said he did, and still be the person I loved, the person I LOVE, then maybe couldn't I find that same kind of knowingly blind love for Glen? Were the things Glen has done any worse than the things Dad did? If I keep hating him the way I do, will I end up like my mom? I know I've said that I am too tired to try again, that Glen has let me down too many times, and it's stupid to keep hoping something will change... but what if I gave up one time too early? What if the very next try was the one that made all the difference, and I quit and let all that happiness go (and not just our happiness, but our kids' happiness) because I was too tired and too scared to try again.
And what if, all along, I loved him, even when I hated him?