Friday, January 10, 2014

What to do, what to do?

We got a package in the mail today. It's from Christine and Dave. I don't want to open it.

I'm pretty sure it's Christmas presents for the kids. It bothers me a lot that that's good enough for her, that as long as she sends the obligatory Christmas present, she's done her grandma job. That would never have been okay with Dad. I know it with everything inside of me. If he hadn't seen Ben and Sam and Hannah for six months, he wouldn't have been satisfied to just throw their presents in a box, likely the same presents she bought for all of Dave's grandchildren. They have to be fair.

It might not be Christmas presents at all. A few months ago she sent the kids birthday presents along with a necklace Ang and I had given her the first Valentine's Day she was without Dad. She was so upset and depressed and missed "her sweetheart" so much. We felt so bad for her, we found the prettiest, most expensive locket and put Dad's picture in it for her. She doesn't want it anymore, and gave it to Mike to give to me. It's sitting in the bottom of a drawer now, because looking at it hurts me. And because the relationship that the locket was meant to celebrate was, according to her, a lie.

Is there more hurt waiting in that package? There might be. It might be more stuff of Dad's. Or mine. She has a picture my gramma gave me when I was in university that she felt my gramma should have given to her. It could be anything. If there's a letter, I will not be reading it. I'll tell you that much.

It's probably just Christmas presents for the kids though. My guess is, there isn't even a card or a note. There wasn't anything like that with their birthday presents. Or the locket.

So, what is the right choice here? I'd really like to send it back unopened. What do you think I should do? What do you think I should tell the kids, if anything, if it's presents for them? Should I just give them to them, tell them who they're from, and not say anything? What if they ask why they didn't see her? They haven't asked about her yet, will this make them notice that they never see her anymore? It's wrong to keep their presents from them, right? Or is it? I don't know what to do.

I know only one thing for sure, I need some kind of counselling to get myself sorted out, because I am totally good with no contact at all. Like she's dead. I feel peaceful. But faking a relationship is out of my reach right now, and maintaining some contact feels like faking it to me. That person is not my mom, she's not the person I knew. And it upsets me to be in any way involved with her. (And don't even get me started on Dave.) And that means I'm not okay. I'm not as okay as I would like to be.


Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Birthday Supper

I promised myself I wouldn't wallow today. So I didn't. I thought about other birthdays, and hanging out, and what being with Dad was like.

I miss him. I miss who I was when I was with him.