They trust me. I don't.
Everytime they say something like, "You're the best mom ever!" I cringe a little. Because I see so many, SO MANY, things I could do better. It hurts to hear them say things like that. I want to tell them they have no idea what a good mom is really like. All I can think is I don't deserve them. And I wish I could be what they think I am.
I suppose all of us moms feel like that. When I look around, I see moms who look like they're doing a better job than I am. I think, "I need to take my kids outside more often, I don't read enough stories to them, I watch to much TV, I play on my computer more than I should, I sleep in when I should be up with them, I get angry too easily, I'm too critical, I don't cook enough nice meals for them..." And on and on.
And worse than those things. I hurt them. I say things in frustration that puts looks on their faces that make me so ashamed. Sometimes they are scared of me. I hate that. I remember being scared of my mom's voice when she was in a mood. I hated that. I felt so... On edge. Like any move could bring down her anger, and I couldn't be sure what it would be. It gives me a sick shakey feeling to think about it. And worse. I've seen that exact same look in my kid's eyes when I'm angry.
Today Hannah fell off her chair at lunchtime. I picked her up and snuggled her and kissed her neck where she hit it on the table. She said what she always says, "Your kisses always make my booboos better." She really thinks that. She has so much faith in me. I hate that I let her down so often.
I don't know what my point is in saying all of this, except it's what came into my head when Hannah said that today. I know some of you are reading this and thinking, she's just being hard on herself, but I'm not. I could do better. I should do better. And I'm running out of time. I won't have them here with me forever. When they leave I need them to know I love them. I need them to know I am on their side. I need them to trust me.
Right now they do. But my actions can either make their faith in me justified, or they can destroy it. They could leave here feeling like they still need to prove themselves to me, to earn my love, to do it on their own. Right now I can still magically kiss away a booboo, but they've got bigger hurts ahead of them in their lives and if I'm not careful they won't come to me with them. They won't trust me because I won't have been worthy of it.
I know what it feels like to lose trust in someone who you thought would always be there for you. I can't do that to them. I'm not saying I can't make mistakes. I know I will. I'm saying I need to remember the faith they have in me when I'm about to break it. I treasure it. It makes me feel unworthy, and sometimes a little sad, but I can't lose it.
It's not that I want them to be dependant on me forever. I want them to trust in themselves. I want them to trust in God. I want them to trust other people. But when they need me, I want them to never feel like I won't be there, or that I will recieve them with anything less that complete love and acceptance. I hope there's always something about coming to me that soothes their booboos the way nothing else does. Because even if I don't deserve to get to be that person, they deserve someone in their lives like that.
Monday, November 24, 2014
They trust me. I don't.