Some people seem very surprised when I tell them I'm getting a breast reduction. I get it. It's a pretty drastic step. I was going to write a post explaining my reasons, but I found this draft that I wrote and didn't post that explains it perfectly. (I do that every now and then when I need to write something to feel better, but don't really need anyone to read it.) I wrote this one in June. My doctor is fairly certain it wasn't arthritis, but plain old back strain. I was on muscle relaxants till just last month. I'm feeling better, but it was bad there for a while, and that kind of pain leaves behind a bit of a terror of its return...
So that's the main reason. If there's something I can do to maybe not have to live like that again, I'll do it. And the rest is all kinds of lovely bonuses. I'm really looking forward to everything being more comfortable... bras, clothes, swimsuits! It'll be fab. I just have to get through this next bit.Un Comfort AbleI hurt. All the time. It's been a while since I've been so sore, I'd forgotten how completely exhausting it is. And most of the time, the pain is just there in the background. It's like when you work out, and you're stiff... just a dull ache that you don't really notice until you move wrong.
But here's the thing, it's always there. Hurting. Every single minute of every single day. Sometimes, I don't notice how bad it's hurting until I sit in the exact right position with some nice soft pillows and I feel almost comfortable. Then I don't want to move again. Ever.
Comfort-able. I'm not, really. Nothing can comfort me. Nothing seems to help. Nothing can fix it, or make it go all the way away. Even when I'm sleeping I often dream about how much I hurt, or get woken up when the pain is so bad it's jumped out of the background to the only thing I can possibly think about and I can't move or even take a breath. Just a breath, I can't catch my breath it hurts so much.
I know I am whiny. I complain that I hurt to the people around me. But honestly, if someone could climb into my body and feel how bruised and beaten I feel every minute of every day I think they'd see... I could complain every minute, but even I, super whiny, don't do that. I push it into the background most of the time, because what else can you do? It just makes me so tired.