Just a little smoother in Your hand...

Miss You

2012-01-08T18:56:00.008-06:00

"Missing someone isn't about how long it has been since you've seen them, or the amount of time since you've talked. It's about that very moment when you find yourself doing something and wishing they were by your side." - Author Unknown

Wish you were here Dad. Wish I could buy you something from Canadian Tire for your birthday. Wish I could show you Hannah and hear your laugh when she does something funny. Wish you could come over and play lego with the boys. Wish I could call you and tell you I love you and that I wish you were here.

So Long

2012-01-01T21:22:00.003-06:00

I've posted about this before, so today I wanted to share a link to the blog of a person who I very much admired, and who changed the way I see my own life. For me, reading his blog was sometimes like reading what my dad might have written. When I heard that he had lost his fight with cancer today I wondered and hoped that maybe he might have taken the time to write a last post for his wife to publish. Dad got so much worse so quickly, and we moved from hoping to losing him in just a few days, so there was no time for long goodbyes, or final blog posts. I'm not sure which is better, neither probably, but I was hoping for a goodbye from Kristian today.

I didn't know him in person, but someday I very much look forward to giving him a hug and telling him in person how much his faith and life blessed my own. I like to think that maybe Dad met him "today." I think they would like eachother very much. I wish there was a way to visit heaven, and see both of them, (and a few more people) but every day here is a day closer to there and them, and I'll have to wait. In the meantime, I'm sad, and praying for his wife and two little boys. I can't imagine having to tell my children their dad is gone, or growing up without my dad in my life... So sad.

Words

2011-12-10T23:32:00.008-06:00

Today I couldn't find a word.

I typed "lonely" into the thesaurus to try and find it... "Abandoned, alone, apart, by oneself, comfortless, companionless, deserted, desolate, destitute, disconsolate, down, empty, estranged, forsaken, godforsaken, homeless, isolated, left, lone, lonesome, outcast, reclusive, rejected, renounced, secluded, single, solitary, unbefriended, uncherished... Lonely adds to solitary a suggestion of longing for companionship, while lonesome heightens the suggestion of sadness; forlorn and desolate are even more isolated and sad."

Forlorn and desolate will have to do I suppose. Those are the closest I could get. Only they don't quite say it either... What is a word that means lonely and longing for the one person you can't have?

I've Just Gotta Show You Something

2011-12-02T18:46:00.002-06:00

We had the kids' parent teacher interviews this week. At Sam's interview this picture was in his portfolio. I did a double take and then begged his teacher to let me take it home with me that day. (Okay, I didn't beg, I just asked and she said yes, but I would have begged if I'd had to.)

Anyways, I think it's one of my favourite pictures ever. Sam is AWESOME.

I Am The Champion... ... ... Of The Blog

2011-11-30T21:38:00.007-06:00

Well, I made it. That's five years straight of Nablopomo. Sometimes I even impress myself, so I can't imagine how you must feel... SUPER impressed probably.

*bows

Fun!

2011-11-29T21:21:00.009-06:00

Tonight one of the girls I "chaperoned" on a trip to California came for a visit and we took the boys and me to see some ambulances and get a tour from the guy who showed up at my house when we called 911 on the day Nablopomo started. Confused? I'll explain.

Wait. First a picture.

That's Cathleen. I chaperoned for Youth For Christ's California Breakaway in 2002. Cathleen was in the group of 7 girls I was uhhhh... in charge? of. I like to think I was in charge, but I probably wasn't. It didn't matter who was in charge though because I had the BEST group of girls EVER. Oh man. We had so much fun. Disney and Sea World and Universal Studios and Six Flags and lots of malls. And some beaches. And then some more malls. But mostly just hanging out with the girls. SO fun. Anyways, a few years ago Facebook worked it's magic and the rest is history.

Here's another picture.

That guy in between Ben and Sam is one of the EMS people who showed up when Glen called 911 because we were pretty sure we couldn't get me to the hospital in our van the morning I broke my ankle. He rode with me in the ambulance, and asked me what my kids dressed up as for Halloween in an effort to distract me from my pain. It didn't work. So he told me a story about the day he got the flu shot and had to do CPR with his sore arm, and his other arm obviously, for 45 minutes. That did the job and got me calmed down.

The next day I was in the hospital in Regina, and of course I posted about it on Facebook, and Cathleen lives in Regina so she came to see me. She's an EMT. And we were laughing about this guy trying to calm me down in the ambulance. And then I told her the story of the flu shot, and what do you know? The same thing happened to one of her friends who is an EMT in Yorkton, which of course would be way too big of a coincidence so we knew her friend was my own distracting EMT.

And she was in town visiting him this weekend, so they took us for a tour of the ambulance place and let the boys turn on the lights and check out the inside of the ambulances. What a nice coincidence.

Isn't how life works out nifty sometimes?

Oh yeah. And Cathleen was working the 911 call center that day. She wasn't the person who picked up, but she heard the call. She assures me that the sound of me screaming in the background was "cute". She also said she had fun Christmas shopping with the family at Walmart tonight, so I'm not sure I can take her word for it. I want a recording. Bad.

Sad

2011-11-28T11:13:00.006-06:00

I've been following this blog for a while now. Ever since Kristian posted this video for his wife Rachel's birthday on YouTube:
Kristian reminds me of my dad in some ways. One way, of course, is the cancer. The other ways... His trust in God, his deep love of his family, his hope, his courage and strength, his love of life. I read the things he says and it's like I can hear dad. Kristian wrote down a lot of his struggles and his triumphs throughout his fight, and so often I felt like he was giving me a look into what my dad would have been feeling.

Now he's dying. He's dying and he has two little boys and a wife that he loves so much and it's breaking my heart. I know I don't really know him. I know I've only ever known him through what he chooses to share on his blog, but I think about him every day and I can't believe he's dying. I thought he was going to beat it. I thought I was going to watch him fight this battle with the cancer I hate, and I thought he would beat it with God's help.

I just don't understand.

Anyways, someone posted this song in the comments section for Kristian. It helps a little, but not a lot.

Pray for him. And his family. The world is losing another amazing husband and dad to stupid STUPID cancer, and it's just not fair.

Sister Wives: I Can Relate

2011-11-27T13:24:00.004-06:00

I'm watching Sister Wives. I'd have a harder time confessing this if I didn't know lots of you are watching it too. I can't help myself. It's fascinating.

And do you know what? I don't think polygamy be illegal. I think people should be allowed to choose who they want to marry, and even how many people they want to marry. Don't get me wrong. I think it's CRAZY. I even think it's wrong. But I don't think it should be illegal. Just like I don't think homosexual marriage should be illegal.

The thing is, I don't want anyone to tell me what to believe. I would never tolerate someone telling me that they believe my lifestyle is wrong and that I'm not allowed to make my own choices. I'm an adult. Aside from obviously criminal activities, it's not the government's job to make moral choices for me.

So why is it the government's job to make moral decisions for other people who believe differently than I do? What I see on Sister Wives isn't criminal. The choices they are making for their family are not choices I agree with, but even I can see that their family is not so different from mine. They love their children, they love their god, and they have thoughtfully made conscious choices for their family based on what they believe is good and right. That's a lot more than a lot of people who live "normal" lifestyles can say for themselves.

Oh, I know there are examples of people who think they are doing what is good and right (or at least they say that's why they're doing things) who are pure evil. I'm thinking spefically of Warren Jeffs right now, but there are examples of people like him in every walk of life everywhere in the world. I know that he would argue he isn't doing anything wrong either, and that he should be allowed to make his own choices too. And some people could argue it's a slippery slope... But the big difference that I see is that he (and others like him) is making choices that harm other people, children especially. And the government absolutely should step in to protect others from his choices.

Anyways. That got longer than I planned...

They hardly lost any weight this episode. Poor sister wives. I know how that feels. But I don't know how it feels to have my choices taken away from me and my lifestyle condemned by the government. I don't think that's right. (Just like I don't think it's right that you work and work and watch what you eat and only lose 4 lbs. Brutal.)

What do you think?

Whoops!

2011-11-26T15:28:00.004-06:00

I forgot to post yesterday. Here's why:

Don't worry. I'll go fix it.

Fixed

2011-11-25T15:31:00.004-06:00

Time for another song 30 day challenge song.

Day 16: A song you used to love, but now you hate.

I don't think there are any songs I used to love and actually hate now, but I can sure tell you one that I loved when it first came out and am really sick of now...

Church people love to sing the crap out of certain songs and just suck the life right out of them. I could name some more just like this, but I'm sure everyone who goes to church has their own version.

(There. It's like it never happened.)

I. Said. NO.

2011-11-24T15:25:00.007-06:00

People. I have a question for you.

How would you feel about your mother-in-law folding your panties? Folding. Your panties.

How about if you had told her to leave the laundry alone specifically because you didn't want her even seeing your panties, much less touching them and fricking folding them?

And it's not as if I can't fold laundry. Glen brings it to me, and I fold it. Easy. Or it would be if the MIL didn't ignore what we tell her and rush in there and get it before we can.

She doesn't listen to a word Glen or I say. She's one of those people who would tell you, "No thank you, I'm fine," if you offered her some pie and she really wanted some, but she doesn't want to put you to any trouble. So she thinks we're doing that too. All the time. It doesn't matter how many times we tell her not to do something, she thinks we're lying and we just don't want her to go to any trouble. Add this to the fact that the woman feels that she literally MUST work every single waking moment of every single day and you have yourself a person who will not take no for an answer.

I am so ready for her to leave. I don't care if we all starve, the house turns into a sty, and I have to beat the children with my crutches to get them to listen to me. (Hannah runs from me if she doesn't want to go where I want her to go. She loves that I can't pick her up and take her places. Two-year-olds are really hard to manage when you can't just grab them.)

It doesn't matter. I don't care. She. MUST. Leave.

Whoops!

2011-11-23T23:57:00.005-06:00

I almost forgot to post. I had the lights out and everything, and I couldn't sleep, so I looked at the clock to see what time it was, and... Ahhhh!

So... What to post? Raise your hand if you think this is my lamest NaBloPoMo ever? *raises hand*

It'll have to be another Thirty Day Song Challenge. Sorry.

Day 15: A song that describes you.

Well. That was easy.

Boreder and Boreder

2011-11-22T20:43:00.003-06:00

You would think that being this bored would lead to fantastically creative posts. I have so much time on my hands, I should be able to come up with something better than this...

Day 14: A song no one would expect you to love.

I didn't know what to pick for this, because I'm pretty predictable in what I like and dislike. Lady Gaga is probably the closest I could get to surprising all of you, so I picked a song that no one would expect anyone to love because pretty much everyone hates opera. Not me though. I love opera. Especially this one. The Marriage of Figaro is hilarious. Trust me. And it has some of my favourite music ever written in it. I heart Mozart.

And another post is written, just like that. I have officially reached that stage of boredom where even though you probably could find something interesting (and maybe even useful) to do, you're too bored to do it. I remember this well from my teen years.

Squeaky Wheel Gets The Pizza

2011-11-21T19:49:00.003-06:00

Glen's sick now.

Sam got sick the night after I did, so it looks like Taco Time wasn't the culprit. I still won't be eating it again for a loooooong time though.

So, since neither of us are in any shape to make or even go and get supper for the family, I ordered Pizza Hut tonight. Delivery. We never get delivery because it takes way too long. They were 45 minutes late. Which wouldn't have bothered me as much if I hadn't called at 4pm to place a timed order for 6:15pm and we got our food three hours later at 7pm. So, obviously if you know anything at all about me, I called to complain.

Result?

Free supper. I'm glad I decided to get lots so no one has to make lunch for tomorrow.

Sorry

2011-11-20T20:51:00.004-06:00

I don't have it in me to post something interesting, so here comes another Thirty Day Song Challenge...

Day 13: A song that is a guilty pleasure.

I blame Glee for how totally and completely happy this song and video makes me.

Fantastically Awful

2011-11-19T23:25:00.006-06:00

That's how I'd describe Twilight: Breaking Dawn. If I'd never read the books I don't think I could have made it through, but since I have, and since (embarrassing confession) I really liked the books, I had a pretty good time at the movies tonight. I'd even say I got my money's worth.

It helped that parts of the movie that were meant to be dramatic and stirring could be cut and pasted unedited into a comedy, and people would laugh instead of stare transfixed by the heartrending story being played out onscreen. For real. I snorted. And not when I was supposed to.

Good times. Not as exciting as last time, but still, goooooooood times.

Oh, and one more thing. I can't help it people. I'm still on team Edward. I think in large part because tonight I finally figured out who Jacob reminds me of:

Don't see it? How 'bout now?

Still not? All right, then how about... Now?

Really? Whatever. I see it. Which makes team Jacob a complete impossibility for me. Not because looking like my cousin Jack makes him ugly or anything, but just because it makes him look like... My cousin. Jack.

More Gory Details

2011-11-18T18:17:00.003-06:00

Don't worry. There won't be any pictures with this post. Let's not even think about what they'd look like if I posted pictures to sum up the last 12 hours or so...

Last night when we got into town we stopped to pick up fast food because Mom thought we were an coming today and had nothing ready for supper. Glen and the kids got McDonald's. I wish I'd got McDonald's. (That's probably the first and only time I will ever say that.) I got Taco Time. BIG mistake.

When my ankle hurts a lot it makes me sort of nauseated, so when I went to bed that night that's what I assumed was causing me to feel so icky. Wrong. At around six in the morning I started throwing up and from then on it's just a blur of crutching back and forth to the bathroom and sitting on the toilet with a pot in my lap.

I cannot see a time when I'll be ready to risk putting a little spice in my life again anytime soon. What a brutal day.

The Gory Details

2011-11-17T21:43:00.006-06:00

Okay. This post is for people like Ang and Carrie who like things like staples and stitches and blood. It is not for people like Melissa who freak out over a few bruises and a bloody bandage. So don't scroll down unless you are the type of person who thinks pulling staples out of someone's leg would be fun. I wouldn't look either, but I had to get used to it because I have to clean it and put a sock on over top of it. The first time I accidentally saw it I burst into tears. Ang laughed and took this picture:

This is what it looks like now that staples are out. Icky. Sam hates it and wants me to keep it covered up. I wonder what the scar will look like...

Things That REALLY Cheer Me Up

2011-11-16T19:00:00.008-06:00

Check. It. Out.

That's my ankle. And I took it to see the surgeon today. And he said I don't need a cast if I promise that I won't put any weight on it till I see him in a month.

Obviously, I promised.

You have no idea how happy I am right now. Aside from the obvious stuck in bed and unable to do anything part, the cast was the part I was most dreading. Now, tomorrow I can take off that bandage and have a bath. And post a gruesome picture(s) of the incision. (Melissa, consider yourself warned. I'll be sure to leave a big space so you have to scroll down to see it in case you accidentally click your way onto my site.)

Next time I break my ankle I'm totally breaking it bad enough that it needs screws and a plate to hold it together so I don't have to have a cast. Score!

Things That Cheer Me Up

2011-11-15T19:18:00.006-06:00

Sometimes it's easy to feel down with 12 weeks of recovery in front of me, stuck in my bed with my ankle throbbing all day, but some things make it hard.

Company :)

Candy

Colouring

Cards

So I made it through the first two weeks post op. and it wasn't too bad. Mostly because I had family and friends taking care of me and sending me junk if they couldn't come themselves. I'm a lucky girl.

(Here's hoping my luck holds out through tomorrow when I get my new cast. I reaaaaally don't want a real cast. I'm hoping maybe I'll get one of those boot things instead. I'll let you know how it turns out tomorrow.)

Quick!

2011-11-14T11:57:00.004-06:00

It's almost midnight! And by the time I post this it probably will be. Whoops.

So let's just quickly look at another 30 day song challenge...

Day 12: A Song From a Band You Hate

Well, that's an easy one. Just go on YouTube and put "heavy metal" in the search box and the bands that pop up? I hate them. I'm not even going to post one because I don't want that trash on my site.

There. That was fast.

Wuddup

2011-11-13T21:50:00.004-06:00

It's REALLY hard to write blog posts when Ang is here. We're watching Being Erica. Ang is knitting me a sock for my cast foot so my toes don't get cold. I dug out the cross stitch I've been working on for the last ten years or so that I got at a Braun family Christmas gift exchange. Ang ate too many chips today, I ate just the right amount, but probably too much pumpkin loaf from Melissa. Glen's mom went home, I sent her a bouquet of flowers as a thank you. (For going home. lol. KIDDING!)

Awe man. She just put the knitting aside because it's frustrating her.

So that's about it. Ang is staying till Tuesday, which is awesome because then she'll get to see the boys do taikwondo tomorrow. On Wednesday it's off to Regina to get a new cast. I'm hoping it won't be a real cast. And on Thursday we go to Martensville for the weekend. I'm getting my hair done and going to see the new Twilight movie.

There. Lamest post ever. I hate newsy posts. I'm really tempted to backspace the whole thing, but I'm gonna quick post it before I do.

I Got Nothin'

2011-11-12T18:17:00.005-06:00

So, in lieu times two...

I'm skipping by Day 10: A Song That Makes You Fall Asleep (I'll tell you why later.)
And I present you with Day 11: A Song From Your Favourite Band. This one was a toughy because I don't usually listen to "bands". I like certain singers and songs, but honestly, I couldn't think of a single band that I've ever liked more than any other...

Till suddenly, I remembered. There was this one band that I really loved with all my heart way back in high school and still get excited about if I happen to be somewhere they show up to play.

Marching band! I miss those days, those were some geeky good times.

Can't Talk Now

2011-11-11T19:56:00.007-06:00

Ang is here.

So, in lieu of a real post I give you the return of Thirty Day Thursdays.

Day Nine: A Song You Can Dance To... And boy did I. I don't think anyone in our house actually watched the show, but I always made sure to catch the opening credits.

I wish I didn't have a cast on.

I Couldn't Resist

2011-11-10T15:34:00.004-06:00

First of all, here's a picture for Carrie of what my toes look like when I get out of bed long enough to go to the bathroom. They're a little purpler in real life. It's disturbing. How come they do that? Why does the blood go to one side and not the other? I should google it. I've got the time.

After I stood long enough to take this picture my leg felt like maybe all the blood inside it was going to finally actually cause my skin to split and I just couldn't resist checking...

So there it is. Ang wanted to see it, so I figured just in case she doesn't make it here this weekend I should take a picture for her. All that stuff that looks like dirt are bruises. They look a lot worse without a flash lighting up my leg, but I couldn't get a better picture, so if Ang wants to see all the glorious shades of green and brown and purple she'll just have to come. No wonder my whole leg hurts.

If you click on the pictures to biggify them (I don't recomend it though, my leg is getting pretty hairy) you can even see one staple peaking out at the top of the gauze that I was way too chicken to peak under. Plus it's kind of stuck down. Icky. Bruises fascinate me. Incisions freak the crap out of me, and this one goes the whole length of that bandage. I am going to have a pretty cool scar.

Here's the other side. Not so bad, just a little bruised and swollen, but most of the really bad stuff happened on the other side.

Ahhhhhhh... Oh man that felt gooooooooood. I might unwrap it again tonight for a bit. Don't tell my doctor. (I am going to hate getting a real cast next week.)

No Pressure

2011-11-09T18:07:00.004-06:00

Things are still pretty boring over here. So, since all I've got talk about is how the toes on my broken foot are a totally different colour than the toes on my normal foot, I'm just going to send all of you over to Melissa's blog. Her day was super exciting and I'm hoping she'll post about it. So head over there to wait with me for it.

Don't let us down Melissa!

I Am SO Bored

2011-11-08T17:25:00.003-06:00

Yesterday my doctor told me I should expect that the swelling in my ankle won't go down any time soon. He said it could easily be two weeks.

TWO WEEKS till I can be upright longer than a few minutes? Two weeks till crtuching my way to the bathroom isn't almost too much for me.

It's only TUESDAY.

And season four of the show I was watching is dumb.

So I sent Glen to the store to buy the kids (me) a Wii for Christmas (to take me through the next few weeks). I hope it helps. Because this is the longest week ever. And it's only TUESDAY.

I use them for propping up my ankle...

2011-11-07T21:45:00.005-06:00

I finished all the episodes of Community on Netflix. (Doggone it. I wish there were more. I love that show.) So this is what I've been watching all day:

Well, not just this clip. That would get boring. This show. It's pretty funny, but I have to be ready to pause it anytime my MIL or kids come into my room.

This Is Stupid

2011-11-06T17:46:00.005-06:00

I just wrote and deleted a post about how things have gone from bad to worse in the last few hours. It started getting kind of long, but this is the gist of it: I am going insane trapped up in my room on my back with my MIL (mother-in-law) presiding over the chaos downstairs. Hannah keeps escaping and hiding in my room and crying when Glen's mom comes to get her. If this frickin' swelling would just give me a break already so I could at least sit up for a while... I want this to be over.

So. Much. Pain.

2011-11-05T15:11:00.003-06:00

I know, I know... I said I wouldn't talk about my ankle, but I seriously can't think about anything else right now. The worst thing is that if I put my foot down for much longer than ten seconds it feels like it's going to explode. It's so swollen and sore and I can't take any anti-inflammatories and my cast is too thick for ice to do any good. Did you know anti-inflammatories inhibit bone growth? Me neither. Frick. Frick frickin frick.

And I know we women like to tell you men that there is nothing more painful than having a baby, but this has taught me that there is always a new definition for 10/10 on the pain scale. I expect I will feel better in a few days, but right now I swear I can feel every staple pulling at my skin. I need the swelling to go down. And I need these pain meds to work long enough to get me to the next dose instead of konking out an hour or two before I can take them again.

I wish I could go back to the hospital. Because here at home even going to the washroom is a nightmare. I want to go back to where there is an adjustable bed, and a little table that swings over my lap, and nurses shooting narcotics into my IV line, and bedpans. Seriously. I'm thinking back with fond memories of a bedpan. Pathetic. This is brutal.

I have never felt more miserable. And tomorrow Glen's mom gets here.

It's Already Friday?

2011-11-04T20:38:00.004-06:00

What a waste of a week.

Honestly, who of you would think it would take FOUR DAYS to fix a broken ankle? Because I wouldn't have thought that. I would have thought that it would be fixed the same day it was broken.

Of course, I also would have thought that you would be given some serious pain killers before someone straightened a broken ankle twisted more than forty five degrees in the wrong direction, but that shows what I know. Not much.

I also didn't know how great my friends are. I have some pretty great friends. And my poor husband was also great... Crawling along on the ground in front of me holding my cast up so it wouldn't pull on my messed up bones while I crutched my way to the washroom or up the stairs or where ever.

...

...

...

Holy crap. My knee just spasmed. I scared the daylights out of Glen, who came running to see what new horrible injury I'd just given myself.

My poor hip and knee took a lot of abuse the last few days lugging around the retarded cast that they made me in Yorkton. At some points they hurt as bad as the break did. Aside from being ridiculously heavy, that cast was put on in such a stupid way that the nurses had to pry it open (after they FINALLY got the doctor's permission) in the middle of the night on Wednesday because it was way too tight. Of course, that left my bones able to shift around freely the rest of the night and all of Thursday morning, which wasn't really any better... Although it did make my toes a little less numb and a little less blue.

Oh man, so many terrible memories. And I've only mentioned about half of them. I could go on, but I'm even boring myself, so I'm pretty sure I lost all but the most loyal of you somewhere in the middle of the second post. I promise tomorrow to write something totally unrelated to my stupid broken ankle.

(I still can't believe I started this week with a perfectly good one, and now I'm sitting here looking at around 12 weeks in a cast. Blah. That's THREE MONTHS! I could grow a third of a baby in that time. My house is going to be a MESS. And I was going to finish painting my kitchen this week so it would be all nice for Ang's visit on the long weekend. LAME. This is lame. I am lame.)

I Posted Again

2011-11-03T23:11:00.003-06:00

And this is what happened Thursday...

That morning one of the nurses told me that it wasn't uncommon for patients to wait three days for surgery. I lost it a little then. I could MAYBE have waited patiently if my pain had been anywhere close to under control, but it wasn't. And all they kept doing was giving me more morphine. I had no idea a morning could last that long. Those poor nurses. I was a sobbing maniac and there was nothing they could do to help me.

FINALLY at around 1pm the doctor gave the nurses permission to give me hydromorph which is ten times stronger than morphine. Peace. That's what hydromorph means. I could have waited for days on that stuff. It turned out I only waited about ten minutes after that though. I was just finally falling asleep when the porter came for me. Of course.

So I had my surgery, and got to experience again that very odd feeling of being wide awake and talking in one room and two seconds later waking up in a whole new room with a whole new cast and all my bones put back into place and screwed together.

Then there were a few moments of intense agony while I waited for an injection to take effect, and then another injection, and then blessed relief, and some people watching in recovery. What a fun place. I could have stayed there longer. But all too soon it was back upstairs to my room and lots more fantastic pain killers. (Which weren't nearly so necessary now that my bones weren't in the wrong place and constantly shifting around in spite of the crap cast that the people in Yorkton put on me after turning my foot around to face forward again without warning me. That was a long sentence, but they made me suffer some long hours in agony.) I was also treated to some visitors and great nurses and some Taco Time, turning me back into the rational Becky who hadn't been seen since sometime on Wednesday afternoon.

And that was Thursday.

I Posted

2011-11-02T23:50:00.002-06:00

For those who are curious and want more details about what happened Wednesday, besides me writing the title of this post, read on...

So, on this day, we got up at 5:30 and drove to Regina for an 8:30 appointment with an orthopedic surgeon who told me "I'll see you up in surgery in a couple hours." He also told me once the surgery was done "... in a couple hours," I'd be able to go home the same day. I didn't see him again for much longer than a couple hours, and he was wearing street clothes, not scrubs, when I did.

So... All day I waited on a stretcher in day surgery... In pain because I wasn't allowed to take any pain meds since my surgery would just be "... in a couple hours." The nurses kept thinking I'd be next since I'd been there the longest, and because that's what I'd been told by the doctor, but I wasn't next. By the end of the day I was crying. They were finally allowed to give me some morphine at around supper time when they admitted me to the ortho ward, but it didn't work nearly as well as the pills I had been taking the day before. Of course, I couldn't take anything by mouth anyways, in addition to the fact that new drugs would be coming after the surgery. Which, they told me, would absolutely happen in the early evening. By 11:30 that night, I was finally allowed to eat and drink, once it was confirmed by the OR that after all I wouldn't be going for surgery that day. So I quickly drank and ate as much as I could in half an hour to prepare for the next day's surgery. It was a loooooooong night. I won't go into details, but I hate morphine. It's total crap.

And that was Wednesday.

Spiral Fracture

2011-11-01T17:04:00.004-06:00

Four months. To the day! Yikes. Poor lonely blog.

Let's start out the way we ended. With a super fun photo summing up today's big events.

Ang would have liked it if I'd taken a photo of my ankle turned in a way that only Gumby's ankle should turn, and honestly, it DID occur to me... But even crazy-camera Becky has her limits.

On the upside, this will probably leave me LOTS of time for NaBloPoMo.

Oh Canada!

2011-07-01T20:16:00.011-06:00

Once again, Canada Day proves to be one of our family's favourite fun days of the year here in Yorkton, our home and native land. The first thing Ben asked me this morning was if I would dress him in a Canada shirt "since it's Canada Day!"

(You'd think Ben would know me better by now, wouldn't you?)

True patriot love!

Once we were all appropriately garbed, (all thy sons command) we were off to the WDM here in Yorkton for the annual Canada Day picnic. The kids always have such a great time. There are rides on an antique firetruck, a hay wagon, a horse pulled wagon, and an antique school bus. And we got there early enough that we didn't have to wait in line for very long at all.

With glowing hearts!

And, then there's the thing Sammy has been waiting for since last summer and talking about since the snow first started melting...

That's Sam enjoying the breathtaking beauty of Mount Curly Fries, majestically situated beside the tasty red waters of Ketchup Lake. We see thee rise...

There are always lots of games and things for the kids to do. They had SO much fun.

The true north strong and free. :)

Then it was home with some friends for paddling pool fun, a BBQ, and kite flying. Then a quick trip to Walmart so Ben could buy some Pokemon cards, and finally... God keep our land, (from being burned down by preschoolers with giant sparklers) it was time for fireworks!

I thought they might be too scared to hold them, but I should have known better.

Glorious and free baby!

Oh Canada we stand on guard for thee!

I'm a Pain in the A$$

2011-06-30T10:40:00.015-06:00

This is a long one. And I'm mostly posting it for Ang who missed all the action because, unlike yours truly, she has a life outside of facebook...

It all started with me being choked that Canada Post won't allow their workers to work overtime to catch up on all the deliveries they missed during the strike, and more importantly lockout. Which I wouldn't care about as much if I wasn't waiting for my sports bra.

Canada Post deleted the only link I could find to email them when they locked out their workers. And it was too late to phone. (Don't worry, I called them the next day.) So I went on facebook to find a place to rant. (Which actually has a purpose besides venting, since I'm sure their public relations people must monitor facebook and places like it.)

Anywho... I posted the following post and a link to a CBC news story on an "I hate Canada Post" page:

Becky Willems
I am REALLY starting to HATE Canada Post. They have no interest in their staff or the Canadian public.
"Some carriers complained they were not allowed to work overtime to restore service faster. Canada Post, however, said it’s too early to know if overtime is needed."
Too soon?!?!?! Our mail is weeks late already you jerks. Pay out some frickin' overtime.
Tuesday at 23:08 · Like · · Share

Then some other people posted some comments. (Feel free to skim.)

Angela Angelas do you really want them banking in on the strike? i don't. i'd rather wait than let them make even more undeserved $$
Yesterday at 00:51 · Like · 1 person
Ronda Harrison Seriously? You are blaming the workers for this???!!
Yesterday at 00:53 · Like · 1 person
Ronda Harrison Workers putting money into a pension for years and then being told that they don't have one because management screwed up. Then they are told they have to make less per hour and then they are locked out. You are blaming the workers. Awesome.
Yesterday at 00:56 · Like
Angela Angelas
blaming the workers? kind of. i can't think of a single canadian i know personally around my age that has guaranteed pension. doesn't just about everybody pay into it - how many are GUARANTEED to have it (that do not work at canada post)?
same in the states. you pay social security from job 1 till the end; you're still not guaranteed to get social security benefits.
why are postal workers held in higher regard than rest of the workers in the country? after all, it's well documented that they're working for a dying company; right?
the latest proposition was for NEW HIREES, not current. current staff making the outrageous $23+/hr were safe. anyone hired after the deal was signed/accepted would be let in at a different rate. what's so bad about that? it's a business trying to compete without going bankrupt.
Yesterday at 02:35 · Like
Sylvia J. Wilson They cannot take away your pension. What they offered was you had to work until age 60 instead of 55 in order to get it. They CAN'T touch or reduce existing workers wages only new hirees. If there'd been no strike, there would have been no lockout. The blame has to shared.
Yesterday at 06:42 · Like
Sylvia J. Wilson The workers voted yes to the strike or the Union couldn't have proceeded to start with.
Yesterday at 06:43 · Like
Becky Willems The difference is the workers cared enough about the customers to only impose rolling strikes. Canada Post locked them out, and now won't even let them work overtime to make up some of the lost time.
Yesterday at 08:05 · Like

Then Sylvia posted about four more comments, and since I was already sick of reading her literally (seriously, go look, LITERALLY) hundreds of comments on any page relating to Canada Post anywhere I responded:

Becky Willems All right Sylvia. We heard you. EVERYONE has heard you over and over. I started reading your insane amount of comments over on the Canada Post page and I'm pretty much done. I'm not even reading your comments anymore. Just deleting them. But feel free to keep posting them here... It gives me something to do.
Yesterday at 09:54 · Like
Becky Willems lol. This is fun. Do it again.
Yesterday at 09:56 · Like
Becky Willems Not even reading it. lol
Yesterday at 10:01 · Like
Ronda Harrison Lol, Becky! Love it!
Yesterday at 10:21 · Like
Angela Angelas sylvia, when they begin to ignore you that's when you know you hit a chord that they can't argue with. :) keep it up!!
Yesterday at 14:48 · Like · 1 person
Becky Willems Nope. It means it has become more fun to delete the same arguments over and over than it is to read them. (You'll notice I left her original arguments there.) But by all means, like Angela says, keep it up!!!
Yesterday at 15:13 · Like · 1 person
Becky Willems And another one bites the dust!
Yesterday at 15:13 · Like · 1 person
Becky Willems And another!
Yesterday at 15:13 · Like · 1 person
Becky Willems Weeeeee!
Yesterday at 15:13 · Like · 1 person
Becky Willems lol
Yesterday at 15:38 · Like · 1 person

This ticked off Sylvia in a big way and started up a (unbeknownst to me) firestorm of ranting and conspiracy theories over on the "I hate Canada Post" page. (Denita clued me in this morning. She has my undying gratitude as this allowed me to drag out one day's worth of amusement into two.)

Sylvia J. Wilson
Becky Willems. Are you the administrator on this page?
Angela Angelas if she is and she's deleting your comments, i'm confused as to why she made a "i hate canada post" page.

This is funny because I actually don't totally disagree with Sylvia on all of her points. Her know-it-all style blabbing just annoyed me to no end. I'm not sure why that's so confusing. I thought I'd made myself perfectly clear...

Sylvia J. Wilson I agree with you Angela. She can't even answer a simple yes or no whether she is an administrator on this page. Therefore, she can continue to play her little game all she wants. However, I won't lower myself to play with her. Therefore, I will no longer be posting on this page.

15 hours ago ·
Angela Angelas that's a shame. there were very valid points mentioned throughout the page. i noticed all of the union member posts are gone, too.

14 hours ago · · 2 people
I hate Canada Post I'm the administrator, not this Becky girl, and I have not removed any post. I will look in to what post are missing. please let me know if it keeps happening and I'll remove who's needs to be removed. sorry that you were having troubles with my page :(

3 hours ago

LOLOLOLOL. So many things to mock, so little time... "Who's." Oh man.

Sylvia J. Wilson Let us know how you make out. If she is not the administrator she has to be removing them by marking them as spam.

2 hours ago ·
Becky Willems You poor confused people.
I did not do anything sneaky, I'm not some kind of super smart hacker. Here's a little facebook tutorial for you:
You can remove any COMMENT written on anything YOU post on any page on facebook. You can't remove other people's POSTS unless you own the page. For example: "I hate Canada Post" was able to delete my original post because they own the page, and I was able to delete Sylvia's comments because I posted the link. Their page, their choice to delete posts, comments, whatever... My link, my post, my choice to delete comments.
Now, to complete the lesson, you can try it out Sylvia since this is a comment on YOUR post!
:)
Don't worry, I won't take it personally. Honestly, if I'd known how sensitive you all were I might have reconsidered before clicking that first X. (lol. Hope that helps.)

Except, of course, I wouldn't have reconsidered. I just said that to make them feel better, and then I ruined it by writing lol. If I thought I could somehow find another Sylvia, I'd go do it all over again on another page... Now things get a little mixed up as they were writing lots of things on lots of different posts. This one comes next I think:

I hate Canada Post it has been brought to my attention that some ppl are having post removed I'm not sure how this is happening as I am not doing it, but I will be looking into it, and if anyone is removing others posts they will be removed from this page. this page is ment to allow free speach on the whole Canada post Drama, and that's it...
3 hours ago 4 people like this.

I find the grammatical errors here very amusing when paired with the lofty ideals expressed. I also find it very amusing that a page entitled "I hate Canada Post" was set up to allow free "speach". That's just good stuff. Here are the comments that resulted:

Carol-Ann Drummond maybe some postie lost them.
3 hours ago
Sylvia J. Wilson
I had several of my posts deleted on the comment thread following this post. Becky herself claims she is deleting them.

Yes. Yes, I do.

At this point Sylvia copies and pastes my post and the resulting comments that you just read above, except for the ones that she and Angela Anglelas (who names their kid that?) wrote and I left up. Then she writes another comment, and another, because that's how she rolls...

Sylvia J. Wilson

I had several posts in between her comments, that are now gone.
Sylvia J. Wilson I'm open to discussion and debate over these issues, but I don't have time for childish games.
about an hour ago ·

Nope. She's much too busy. And probably important.

Then I, alerted by Denita, came on the scene. The following comment was actually the first reply I wrote to them, not the one you just read. The one you just read was written after I scanned down the page and realized the full scope of the situation.

Becky Willems
"I hate Canada Post?" The REASON I could delete her comments is because it was MY post not yours. But honestly, I don't really care, you can delete this one too and let Sylvia continue to monopolize the conversations on the Canada Post sit...e, and now this one. I just wanted a place to rant, not get into a huge nasty debate like over on the Canada Post page.
And Sylvia? ( lol) Life must be hard when you have no sense of humour. Feel free to comment back to this three or four or seven times, as is your policy. I won't be reading it. I wouldn't have even seen this if a friend hadn't pointed it out to me. I DO have time for childish games (LOVE THEM! I'm just about to sit down to a game of Candyland!) but not for getting all worked up over a facebook post. It's just not worth it.
(P.S. Thanks for the hours of entertainment you've provided me with, including this one.)

I was expecting them to block me from the page at this point. Lucky for me they didn't, because I had the chance to post one last comment on a post that Sylvia has put up (now numerous times) on the page about a new page that someone (her?) started. Because this one wasn't cutting it. Neither was the Canada Post one. There needs to be LOTS of pages. This is a critical topic. CRITICAL people.

Sylvia J. Wilson
Canada Post / Union Dispute Opinions This page is open to discussion on both sides (for or against) The Union or Canada Post's decision to lockout workers during the rotating strike. Please keep it clean - direct attacks will be deleted. This page is for friendly debate only!

Sylvia J. Wilson This is a new page. It has administrators that monitor it daily. They are not with Canada Post or CUPW. Just concerned Canadian Citizens.

37 minutes ago ·
Becky Willems lol. Way to teach me a lesson Sylvia! You go girl!

There's more happening over on the hate page, I took a peak before I wrote this. And I'm still not blocked, I'm not sure why, I'm wondering if they don't know how? (Maybe another tutorial? No? Yes?) I've managed to stir up quite the ruckus with my wild deleting of comments. Sadly, they deleted the post I wrote (well, I did kind of dare them) explaining how I was able to do that because they're still in a bit of a dither, and I think maybe they could all calm down if they knew exactly how I managed my act of terrorism. (I read one girl's comment about how people might not feel safe posting on that page now for fear of being mocked, which was probably my favourite comment of the day.)

It was fun times, it's true, but it's probably for the best that there aren't that many Sylvias out there patrolling the hate pages for the greater good and my amusement. I don't think being able to make such a huge pain of myself so easily can possibly be good for me. It could end up being really addicting and who knows where I'd draw the line? Moustaches on those huge billboard real estate agent ads? Just randomly walking around on grass with "Keep Off The Grass" signs? Where does it stop?

Yes, I should probably take a little break from pissing off people on purpose and for no good reason other than my own entertainment. None of us would want that to become a habit. (It's much better that I stick to doing it unintentionally.) But till then, happy trails to you Sylvia, until we meet again.

Milestone

2011-06-11T22:37:00.009-06:00

There comes a point in every parent's life, when they realize that someone could be secretly video taping them. Has that happened to you yet? You're out in public with your child and they are making you crazy for one reason or another, and you just... can't... seem... to get control of the situation. And this image pops into your brain of your neighbour shaking his head while he gets the video camera, and then the video hitting YouTube, and suddenly you're on the news trying to explain why you were making your child cry hysterically while "teaching" him to ride a bike.

Not that I've ever felt that, or thought that. Oh no, I've never wailed in frustration in the middle of the street, panting and sweaty from running, and frustrated, "BEN!!! JUST!!! BALANCE!!! WHY CAN'T YOU BALANCE?!?!" I've never reduced my seven-year-old to tears by telling him that I learned to ride a bike when I was four, and that everyone can do this, so he certainly CAN do it, and "STOP SAYING YOU CAN'T!!"

Actually, wait. Yeah. I did do that.

Luckily, at that moment the image of me on the news tearfully pleading with the public to stop sending me hate mail popped into my head. So Ben and I took a break. I told him it was okay, and it wasn't his fault, and that Mommy was sorry for making him cry and I would find a better way for him to learn to ride a bike.

Then I went straight inside and typed "how to teach your kid to ride a bike without training wheels" into google. (Ah google, how I love you.) I found this page right off the top. Scroll down to the part about the undersized bike approach. (We'd tried the running, obviously. And in case you're judging me, or this somehow ends up on the news, let me tell you: Ben has the worst sense of balance. Pushing him on that bike is exactly what I imagine pushing a corpse on a bike would be like. And we needed immediate results to redeem the situation. We had no time for gradually raising the training wheels.)

Also luckily, Sammy has the perfect bike for this approach. So after a bit more research, including a YouTube video on how to remove pedals, they have EVERYTHING on there, and then after some tinkering... Ben was ready to try coasting down the driveway on Sam's tiny, and now pedal-less bike. And it worked! Fabulously! And he had so much fun!

Well, not at first. At first he could barely "coast" a foot or two, and he got a bit frustrated, but after a few tries he got a few feet further, and that was it. He was hooked, and Mommy got to sit in a lawn chair cheering him on. And within a few days of practice, involving Sam with sidewalk chalk marking off how far he went on each attempt, Ben could push off from the top of our driveway and balance all the way to the bottom without touching his feet to the ground. And today was the day we put him back on his bike to try balancing and pedalling at the same time.

Check it out:

(Ang, I promise I don't run like that when I'm running. Promise. Also, the sports bra is ordered and in the mail. Postal workers, don't fail me now!)

That Girl's a Running Fool

2011-06-09T22:29:00.008-06:00

Okay. I would have sworn that this couldn't happen, in fact... HOW did this happen?

But I've been running. And not hating it. I started with walking. My top speed was 3.5 miles an hour. I never walk 3.5 miles an hour now. That's way too slow. Now my resting speed is 3.7 or 3.8 miles an hour. And lately I've been actually running. When I started running I could run for one or two minutes at a time, and that's it. Then a week ago I made it to ten minutes. Tonight I was hoping to make it twenty minutes, but when I got there... I did ten more. THIRTY MINUTES! And I could have probably ran more! I wasn't dying!

I really don't know how this happened, because I hate exercise... Scratch that. I hatED exercise. My whole life I've hated exercise. And somewhere along the way I started almost sort of LIKING it. I love my treadmill. It's changing my life. It helps that I have goals. I'm more excited about being a runner than losing weight, which, let me tell you, is bizarre. I wonder if it's possible that I was kidnapped by aliens and replaced with a clone of myself and I didn't notice?

I just wish my dad was here to see it. I wish he could come with me to Calgary this summer to see my try to fun my first 10k. I know it would have blown his mind the way it's blowing mine. Because this is not like me. I know he'd have loved to see me run with Ang, or behind Ang anyways. lol.

What will I do next? No one knows. Not even me. But for now, the original Becky can eat the new-and-improved-clone Becky's dust.

(Sorry about the picture. Shirley said she needed proof. That's me about twenty minutes in. I don't know what I'm doing with my fingers, but it's hard to run and smile and wave and tell Glen what to do with the camera at the same time. Also, at some point I'm going to have to get some running clothes that can be seen in public. )

Sunday is Funday: Five

2011-06-05T22:51:00.005-06:00

I forgot I have a blog for a while there. Whoops.

Today we had some friends over for a belated b-day party for their kids and ours. Because we missed their kids' birthday and they missed ours. It was mucho fun. I think this should become an annual event.

I love them. After they left (and after I got back from following them home to their house to get a free new bike for Hannah) I just felt so grateful. We have lovely friends. (LOTS of lovely friends.) And these particular friends are always there for us.

You know friends who come into your life that turn into a second family? That's what these friends are. I love them and I trust them the same way I trust my own family. I'm sure I drive them crazy sometimes, but they put up with me and rescue me when I need it. (Way too many times lately.) And we have so much fun together. And I love watching our kids grow up together. They love each other too. So being with them is pretty much totally fantastic.

So that's all this post is. A bit of a gush about how happy my friends make me, and how grateful I am to have them in my life. I'm very grateful, they are in every way a blessing in my life.

She's Back!

2011-05-19T21:49:00.001-06:00

That Amber. She's a genius I tell you. All she has to do is offer up a prize and I am putting up free advertising all over the place.

But seriously, I'm doing all of us a favour, because she makes seriously cute stuff. Look at the adorable aprons and hats we got from her! And she has FANTASTIC customer service. And she will customize almost anything you can dream up. And when her stuff comes in the mail she packs it up so cute you almost don't want to open it. Trust me. You'll thank me if you order something from her. And you can find her adorable things here:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/cottoncupcakeshoppe

Or here:

http://www.facebook.com/CottonCupcake

Or even here:

http://cottoncupcakegallery.blogspot.com/2011/05/back-in-business.html

I'm so glad she's open again!

Your Work on Earth

2011-05-17T09:47:00.001-06:00

Hi Dadaloo. I called your work again today. This time I talked to Brenda, not just some guy who never even knew you. She thinks your stuff may all still be there hanging on the walls in your office.

As soon as I heard her voice I burst into tears. Poor Brenda. I couldn't even explain why. Maybe because it was nice to hear the voice of someone who knew you and loved you too, because I remember calling you at work and talking to her, because she said they had all just been talking about you this week, because she asked about the boys and it reminded me of how proud you were of them and how many stories you made them listen to about them, because I know that you still had it in your head that you were going to go back to work there.

Or maybe because it reminded me that you were here. You were here and now you're not and I miss you so bad. And because if I go down there to get your stuff I know the pictures of the boys will be of them so young, and there won't be any of Abbey and Hannah. Or Nathaniel. And it hurts that you've missed so much already.

Probably because of all of those things all at once. But now I can't stop crying.

It still seems like a huge mistake that you're not here with us. Working for a living. Coming home with crazy stories about something the new guy did. And putting up new pictures of your grandkids in your office at the grain terminal.

Thirty Day Thursday: Eight (Late)

2011-05-13T22:40:00.002-06:00

(But it's not my fault I'm late because Blogger was down yesterday.)

Here it is: A song I know all the words to.

I know all the words to A LOT of songs. Like A VERY BIG LOT. Seriously. I was trying to think of how many songs and it was getting to a crazy high number that seemed unbelievable even to me, who knows all the words to lots of songs.

This one is one of my favourites to sing... Especially to the version on Concert in the Park. It's a little faster, and funner. (Let me just say here, that the people who got to go to either of the concerts in the park were lucky bastards.)

I also picked it because seriously, I think this may be the best music video of ALL TIME.
Of. All. Time. So enjoy it. And sing along if you know all the words.

Chevy knows all the words too.

(Also, Mabel please tell me Scotty has seen this before, and if he hasn't, would you consider video taping him watching it for the first time and post it somewhere for Glen and me? We're pretty sure the video of Scotty watching it may be almost as funny as the video itself.)

Thirty Day Thursday: Seven

2011-05-05T21:08:00.003-06:00

A song that reminds you of a certain event:

Is a honeymoon an event? Who cares. I'm doing it.This song always makes me think of our honeymoon... Sitting on a cooler at the wheel of the houseboat, eating all-dressed chips, and drinking Pepsi with this playing over the boat's stereo system... Heading for the floating store.

Happy.

Thirty Day Thursday: Six

2011-04-28T11:31:00.008-06:00

On time!

A song that reminds you of somewhere:

This song reminds me of sitting at the front of a cruise ship, a little one, with my feet up on the railing, and the wind blowing in my hair... Wait. My hair was in braids... And the sun scalding the parts of my scalp showing because of all the braids in my hair. (Ho man, that was a bad sunburn. Never do that. Never agree to let some woman on the beach in Acapulco braid your hair and then go on a three hour cruise of the bay without a hat or sunscreen. Unless you like picking loonie-sized pieces of skin off your head on the flight home.) Anyways, I was on a boat, the sun was shining, there was a soft breeze that smelled like the ocean, I was with some of my very favourite people, and this song came on. Some of the people on the boat started dancing. It was perfect.

Here's a picture of the noodle-head family swimming in the pool on the boat. (WAY too cold for me. I waited and swam off the back of the boat when we stopped for a bit in the middle of the bay.) I wish I had a better picture to post from that day, but all my pictures are at home in Yorkton, so I stole this one off of Ariane's facebook page.

I put those pigtails in Ariane's hair. And see Liishy's hair? That's what mine looked like. You'll be relieved to know Liishy wore a hat and did not burn herself like I did. And like Glen, who didn't burn his scalp, but burnt the front, and ONLY the front, of his body. It looked AWESOME.

Ahhhhhhh... That was a good day. I wish I were there right now. (If you didn't guess it, this song reminds me of Acapulco.)

Thirty Day Thursday: Five (on Tuesday)

2011-04-26T23:54:00.003-06:00

I'm so late that I'm almost early.

A song that reminds you of someone. That one's hard. Because there are a hundred songs that remind me of a hundred people. This is one of my favourite's though.

It reminds me of my dad. And driving to the lake. When I listen to it I can see myself sitting in the back of the supercab, looking out the window watching the trees go by with my dad singing in the front seat. I can look to where he's sitting and watch his hands make small adjustments to the steering wheel as we drive down the highway with the camper on the back of the truck and the windows rolled open. Ang is in the front with Mom and Dad, and Mikey is in the middle of the back seat because Johnnie and I are older, so we always get the window seats. I would like to be that little girl again for a while. Safe and secure, with only good things in the world and nothing to make me sad or scared because Dad is at the wheel.

(It also kind of makes me think of my Uncle Jake, for obvious reasons if you have ever heard my Uncle Jake sing.)

Sunday is Funday: 4.2

2011-04-17T20:58:00.015-06:00

I was reading up on tornadoes tonight. I have this fascination with them. (And a deep fear mixed with crazed paranoia.) All the news stories I've been watching this week are going to give me nightmares for sure. I dream about tornadoes all the time. ALL the time. I like to feed my fear of tornadoes with lots of pictures and videos. It's a sickness.

Anyways, as I was reading articles about tornadoes tonight, I came across an article on waterspouts, which reminded me of the time I saw one on Ispuchaw lake. Actually, it was the time we saw one. We being Dad and me. (And maybe Glen or Ang. I can't remember for sure. If they're reading this they can tell us if they remember it happening. I'm pretty sure mom was on the shore with Roscoe the first and Brent, because I remember telling them about it afterwards.) (Roscoe was totally blown away and said he'd never heard anything like it.)

What I do remember is that my Uncle Kent was skiing behind Dad's awesome boat at the time. And I was riding in the back spotting. And suddenly, behind Uncle Kent, on the other side of the lake I see this... Thing. It looked like aliens were sucking the water up through a tube into the clouds. I immediately pointed it out to my dad, who stopped watching where he was going to turn backwards and stare at it in amazement. And I yelled at him, "LET'S DRIVE UNCLE KENT THROUGH IT!!!!!"

So, of course, Dad's eyes immediately lit with joy at the image of driving Uncle Kent through a tornado on the lake, and he cranked the wheel around and turned the boat towards the waterspout. lol. I think he may have sped up a little too, which resulted in a couple quick thumbs downs from Uncle Kent who had no idea what was happening till it was all over, and couldn't figure out why we were flying across the lake now at top speed. Oh man. It is TOO BAD that that thing dissipated before we got there. There were still some pretty intense waves left to mess him up with, but no spout. :(

(I have so many happy memories of that lake. So many happy DAD memories there.)

I still wonder, when I think of that day, what would have happened if we'd managed to get Uncle Kent to the spout in time....

Sunday is Funday: Four

2011-04-17T18:48:00.002-06:00

She'd do this for HOURS I'm sure. I love it too, but I get tired of it after about the seventh time. She comes running from wherever she is in the house when she hears the music playing... Just like I used to when... But I'll save that story for another time. ;)

Thirty Day Thursday: Four (on friday)

2011-04-15T18:27:00.007-06:00

I missed it!

A song that makes you sad. Here it is a day late:

I put this song on my Christmas CD the year it came out, 2006. (If you've never listened to Sarah McLachlan's Christmas CD, you are missing out.) I remember driving to Martensville the year of Dad's last Christmas, and putting my Christmas CD in the player. And then this song came on. I hadn't really thought about the words before, I just thought it was pretty, but I thought about them that day and cried. Thinking that maybe I would know exactly how the lyrics really feel before too long. And brushing off that thought. Telling myself he'd be here. Next Christmas. And the next.

Just the piano intro is enough to reduce me to tears now. I love this song. I love it. It says exactly how I feel and it's so beautiful. It makes me so so so sad, but it is really beautiful. Just the way life is sometimes, really sad, but still really beautiful.

(Do you know? When I watch this video I still don't quite believe this really happened to our family. I look at the pictures, and it just seems... Like he can't really be gone.)

It Starts With An S Right Here...

2011-04-13T19:17:00.005-06:00

I'm going to get the whining over with first. Here goes:

On days like today I miss my dad so much. And it's not like he could have done anything. And actually, I probably wouldn't have even called him about it, I would have called my mom. But he would have been there, and if everything really did get so bad that I needed actual help or advice... He would have helped. Moms listen. Dads do.

I didn't need a doer today, but there's something about knowing that person is out there that makes a huge difference.

I miss him.I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. I want my dad and I can't have him, and I can't stop thinking about how much I miss him. That's all.

Now, to reward you for sitting through that, I have some BIG news. It's ever-so-slightly old news, but not so old that some of you won't think it's new news.

Have I ever mentioned my teeth on here? If I haven't, it's not because it's a trivial matter to me. It's a very NOT-trivial matter to me. I had these two baby teeth that never fell out. The adult teeth were there, impacted in the roof of my mouth, and the baby teeth just never fell out. So I was always self-conscious about my smile. Especially when the baby teeth started to chip and rot. Not pretty. Teeny teeth were bad enough. Teeny, broken, and brown teeth were so much worse.

And I thought about it ALL. THE. TIME. I would say, on average, I thought about my teeth every five minutes or so. Really. I was always running my tongue over them, the broken bits were sharp, and so I could never forget that I had an ugly smile. And who wants an ugly smile?

And the thing is, I have a thing about teeth. I actually brushed my teeth so much at one time that I had to have skin from the roof of my mouth grafted onto my gum line because I was scrubbing my gums away. I brush. Lots. And I floss. And use mouthwash. I'm very meticulous, and having rotten teeth drove me crazy. So two Christmases ago I finally had them pulled out. And the adult teeth got cut out. So then I had these gaps. Also not pretty. I've gotten pretty good at smiling with my mouth closed, even though I'm not a smile-with-your-mouth-closed type of gal.

But last week, my loooooooooooooooooooooong wait for adult teeth finally ended.

Here's the before:
And the after:

The cold sore really adds to it I think, but isn't it super? I can smile in pictures now without worrying about my gaps.

... And it's a mile to the other ear! A smile goes a long, long way. Hurrah!

Happy Birthday Hannah!

2011-04-07T20:47:00.006-06:00

It is so weird to think that two years ago at this time I was in a hospital bed, with Hannah in a little see-through bassinet beside me, all new and tiny. And Mom and Dad were at our house. Those were happy times. So were these.

But I would totally go back, if I could...

Thirty Day Thursday: Three

2011-04-07T14:31:00.003-06:00

A song that makes me happy? Easy.

The song is so fantastic that it makes me happy on it's own, but when you add in Gene Kelly (hawt), and that it's from one of my very favourite musicals of all time... It makes me happy. It almost always makes me cry, I'm so happy when I watch it.

☺(See? Happy.)

Thirty Day Thursday: Two

2011-03-31T20:12:00.004-06:00

I'm not doing these all in a row. That's too much like work. I'm going to space them out. Every Thursday. How's that sound? Seems a little lazy to you? Too bad. You don't get a vote.

So here comes my least favourite song. Well, one of them. I'm sure there are songs I hate more, but whenever I hear this on the radio, which isn't often since I almost never listen to the radio, I say, "I really hate this song." It annoys me. I think it's the organ mostly. And I know some of you will gasp in horror when I say this, but I pretty much hate anything by The Doors.

Enjoy. Or don't. I won't.

30 Day Distraction Device

2011-03-30T23:57:00.006-06:00

It's been a rough week for me. I miss my dad. So much. This week.

Who knows why it's especially bad right now, it just is. Maybe it was Uncle Jake's visit. Maybe it was noticing how old Ben seems lately. Maybe it's because two years ago at this time Mom and Dad were getting ready to come out here to be with us when Hannah was born. Maybe it's just that sometimes when life seems overwhelming in any way, I miss knowing he was there, just a phone call away. Anyways, I miss him.

So let's work on distracting me for a bit. Mom said a few weeks ago that I should do the 30 Day Song Challenge. So, in typical Becky style, I've been working on completing the whole list for a while now so I could start posting them, knowing in advance exactly where I'm going. (I finished the list last night.)

Day one is "Your Favourite Song." I have a lot of favourites, but if I have to pick just one, it would have to be this one:

I love hymns. And this one in particular speaks to me. I remember a time in my life when I kept telling God, "When I fix this one thing..." and then another thing, and still another thing seemed to come up for me to push Him away with. I wanted to be worthy of Christ's gift before I could accept it. I still feel like that. A lot. A very lot. A very lot times infinity.

But when I listen to this song I hear that I am just where I need to be. Just as I am. Just me. And I could be doing so much better in so many areas of my life, but I don't need to be to be loved. God sees all of my weaknesses, all of the stupid things I do, he sees them and He loves me, ALL of me. The good parts, and the stupid parts. Just. As. I. Am.

(Hey! I just realized why I love Bridget Jones so much. How did I never notice that before? Bridget! I'm going to watch that tomorrow. Or read it. One or the other.)

Free Books? Yes Please!

2011-03-28T14:09:00.003-06:00

I love Francine Rivers. So I have to enter this contest. I have no choice. Look what I could win:

Grand Prize—complete Francine Rivers Library

First Place Prize (1)—1 copy each of Her Mother’s Hope/Her Daughter’s Dream

Second Place Prize (2)—1 Mark of the Lion boxed set

Third Place Prize (3)—1 copy of A Lineage of Grace

Fourth Place Prize (4)—1 copy of Sons of Encouragement

First place would be fab, but I'd probably be just about as happy with second place.

Sunday is Funday: Three (Previously LOL Sunday: Three)

2011-03-27T20:44:00.006-06:00

I remember the first time I saw this.

Wait. Did that storm trooper just hit his head on that door?

Rewind. He totally did.

No one showed it to me. And I got to show it to all my friends, who were HUGE Star Wars geeks. Ah, the memories.

Also, I've decided that I don't like "LOL Sunday" as a title for these posts. So I'm changing it. Starting.... Now.

Sunday is Funday: Two (Previously LOL Sunday: Two)

2011-03-20T09:12:00.003-06:00

You've probably seen this before. Too bad. You're about to see it again because I lurv it, and it seriously makes me lol every stinkin' time.

2011-03-18T13:26:00.003-06:00

For Japan With Love

Other Places to Donate:

Canadian Red Cross
World Vision Canada
MCC

Good Grief

2011-03-17T23:41:00.000-06:00

Today Sam and I talked about his grampa.

I can't remember what started that turn in our conversation, we talk about him a lot, but Sammy ended the conversation today by saying "... And I hardly ever cry anymore when I'm thinking about him." I told him that was good, because Grampa wouldn't want him to be sad when we think about him.

It's funny how Sam's mommy can say that to him with a straight face. Because every night when I go to bed, and it's a night when I haven't cried that day, I feel guilty. Which is SO stupid. But the feeling is there.

I don't cry as much as I used to, and that bothers me.

And the thing is, it doesn't hurt less. At all. When I think of Dad it still feels like someone has punched me in the stomach, it takes my breath away. And it is so hard still to accept that this is my life. This is in the story of my life, and there won't be an editor who comes along and says, "Nope, that part is too sad, you need to re-write it with the dad character surviving the cancer." My story has cancer in it, and in my story my dad doesn't make it. And that is still so hard for me to accept, that I often have dreams where they have found some new treatment and Dad comes back to life so we can try to save him again.

So none of those feelings have changed. But I don't cry as much as I used to.

I'm slowly training myself to live with this pain in a way that allows me to get through some days, more and more days, without crying. Which is good. But ho man, it bothers me more than I expected it would.

So today, when I told Sammy that his grampa wouldn't want him to be sad, I felt like a bit of a hypocrite. And tonight, sitting here with the house all quiet and time to think, I'm telling myself what I told Sam, "Dad wouldn't want you to be sad. Dad would want you to be happy when you think of him. He wouldn't want you to feel guilty for not crying." Which is totally making me cry. (And laugh at myself. Dad would laugh at me too. I feel dumb even typing it.)

So what am I trying to say? I guess this post is turning into a little self talk that mostly goes like this:

I need to be okay with my grief, and how I'm dealing with it. And I've never been okay with my emotions or how I deal with them, so these ones, that seem so cuckoo crazy sometimes, are even harder to accept. I don't make sense, even to myself. But maybe I don't have to make sense, which is also a really hard thing for me to accept. I actually JUST said to Glen today, "... And you know how I get (it's not a good scene) when things don't make sense to me!" (This was in regards to the newly renovated McDonald's in Yorkton that I now HATE with a burning passion, but I digress...) It's okay that I don't cry every day, obviously. But I think it's maybe also okay (for now) that it makes me feel bad that I don't cry every day. You know?

I read on this blog today, about a dad talking to his young daughter about her grief over the loss of her little sister to cancer. She was holding in all her tears, and he used the analogy of a Coke can being shaken till it explodes when it's finally opened. And I don't want to explode with grief either. I want to allow it to bubble to the surface when I'm shaken, and not try to trap it inside because it doesn't make sense... So that instead of a messy violent explosion, I only suffer gentler surface disturbances that are allowed to pass away into nothing.

That sounds better to me.

We Wants It. We Needs It.

2011-03-14T22:41:00.003-06:00

We must have the Precious. So bright... So beautiful... Ahhhhhh, Precious.

Sunday is Funday (Previosly LOL Sunday)

2011-03-13T15:57:00.009-06:00

I've been working on some sewing projects today. One of them is a quilt that I've ALMOST been finished for about... Six years now.

It's Ben's 1st birthday quilt. Here's a picture:

Actually, since it's taken me SO long, it's now too small for him so I'm thinking I'm going to turn it into a book. Only I'm not quite sure how to make the pages. I'm thinking I will just back each patch with a piece of white fabric, but then that makes me think... What if I got a picture of each person (at least the special people) and Ben at that age and had it printed on the white fabric and then sewed it so it was across from the patch they made?But that seems like a lot of work. I wonder if I could somehow mount the patches on paper and put them in a scrapbook and then just get a print and glue it in beside each patch. That would be way easier...

So anyways, there's this one patch on the quilt:

Which totally reminded me of this:

Oh man, I love Trogdor the Burninator. Burninating the thatch-roofed cottageeeeeeeeeeees! I had to post him here. I wonder if I have before? (I'll have to do a search after I post this.) I posted him on facebook today, but some of you (Shirley) aren't doing facebook, so I thought you'd like to know what's going on.

Anyways, he's a blast from the past, and still makes me laugh my head off. I should have LOL Sunday once a week hey? That would be fun. I was thinking of writing this post with a whole bunch of things that make me lol, like that one part in Star Wars... But maybe I should drag it out. For a while. Until I get sick of it.

Thatch-roofed cottageeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Updated)

2011-03-08T18:46:00.005-06:00

Check this out:

If you don't know who Tad Williams is, this post will mean nothing to you. (And I'm tempted to say you mean nothing to me, but that wouldn't be true, so I won't say it, but seriously, you should know who Tad Williams is.)

Oh man, I don't think I would be more excited if Jane Austen wrote on my wall for my birthday. Although, she is dead, so maybe that would be a "tad" more exciting. lol.

Oh, Tad. How I love you. What a perfect birthday present. :)

Happy Becky. That is me.

UPDATE: He did it again. Except this time he looked at a photo album with pictures of my kids. And he wrote this:

Tad Williams thinks my kids are killer cute. This is FANTASTIC. Although...

Seriously, how could he not?

I ❤ Amazon!

2011-03-04T16:54:00.002-06:00

Okay. I totally only ordered these shoes late on March 1st. And they're froinkin' here already. Amazon is FAST.

But not as fast as I'll be in my snappy new shoes! (Lol. Not.)

Shoes, Glorious Shoes!

2011-03-03T11:49:00.014-06:00

I got nothing. And I've been meaning to write a post for a few days now, but seriously. Nothing.

So I'm going to tell you that I bought four pairs of shoes this week. So far. (Don't tell Glen.) For a while now I've been needing to get a new pair of sneakers, that aren't sneakers, to wear to soccer practice and grocery shopping. I was thinking of something along the lines of this:

But I seriously couldn't find anything even close in Regina OR Saskatoon. As usual all the summer stuff comes out in January or February and so it was impossible to find any version of these that weren't made of mesh, or open backed. So I bought these:

Just because they are froinking cute and I fell in love and couldn't resist them. And then I went to Walmart, and because I was in the shoe department hoping maybe I could find a cheap version of the Skechers I wanted, I ended up buying these for no real reason except I liked them and they were cheap:

Plus I dig the bottoms:
But I was still discouraged. I still don't have anything to wear to soccer practice and grocery shopping with my sweatpants. So I went where I always go when I can't find what I want in Saskatchewan stores... Online. To the Skechers website specifically. And I fell head over heels (lol, heels) in love with these:

But too bad for me because Skechers doesn't ship to Canada, and the Canadian Skechers site doesn't have them. And just to rub salt in the wound I found these too:

Sigh. Most perfect flip flops EVER. And have I ever told you that I have a thing for flip flops? Ho man, do I ever. And these are called "love song". And they're not available on the Canadian website.

But wait! I found them on amazon! But NO! They don't have my size. But wait! Here they are again! But NO! Again, not my size. This went on for quite a while. Hours actually. Until finally. I found the grey mary janes on amazon in my size (I'm tracking the shipment, they're already in Winnipeg.) And then I found the flip flops on some other random shoe site. Hurrah!

Now I wait.

(All shoe pictures, other than the Walmart shoes, are clickable. In case you feel the need to shoe shop. Although, I will warn you, once you start... You saw what happened to me. Reminder: Don't tell Glen.)

Cute! Cute! Cute!

2011-02-19T00:58:00.003-06:00

Hoo nelly! I sure would like one of these (from here) for Hannah.

Actually, Hannah has that EXACT dress. I think that may be a sign. She is meant to win that baby sling. :)

All By Myself

2011-02-17T19:22:00.003-06:00

You know, there are big romantic gestures, fancy trips, jewelery, rose petals on beds, all kinds of jazz like that. But there comes a time in every woman's life when nothing says romance like some time alone.

That was my Valentine's present from Glen this year. A card that said I could have a kid-free evening, supper, movie, and snacks included. He knows me well.

So I picked last night. (Survivor night! Yesssssssssss.) This is how it started:

What's cuter than that? Not much I think. Smooth move Glen.

Then he picked up appetizers from BP's for supper/snack. And he left. With the children. And so began 2.5 happy hours spent with no chance of anyone bugging me. It looked like this:

(Glen took the kids to McDonald's. And then, because they still had some time to kill, they sat in the van in the parking lot at Walmart and watched some Backyardigans. lol. Nice.)

Anyways... It. Was. Perfect.

Why No Post?

2011-02-15T10:49:00.011-06:00

Because. Hannah spilt Pepsi all over the table my laptop was sitting on. That's why. (That's the second time she's done that with Pepsi. And then there was once with just plain water. I told Glen we should have gotten the fancy insurance that covers spills.)

In other, completely unrelated news, I've decided to give up Pepsi. For two reasons. One is that I have the worst heartburn all the time, and it took till a few days ago for me to think, "I wonder if the two cans of Pepsi I drink every day may be contributing to this?" Dur. The other reason is that Mikey has always bugged me about how unhealthy diet drinks are, (I only drink diet Pepsi) and tells me I should quit drinking them. My response has always been that smoking is unhealthy, and that usually ends the conversation. Of course, now that he's quitting smoking I will no longer have that awesome comeback ready and waiting so it seems easier to just quit. :)

In other, also completely unrelated news, Hannah is obviously planning on hitting the "terrible twos" running. (I've never called them the terrible twos myself. I love twos.) Yesterday evening is a perfect example of some of the new material she's been working into her act. I had some Smarties to give her, and told her she needed to say please. She cried. And fought to get the Smarties herself. And screamed. And fell on the ground. I said over and over, "Say please Hannah. Say please!" More crying. Finally, she had enough and decided to ditch me (probably because I was laughing at her) and went upstairs to Ben and Sam's room. At this point it occurred to me, 'Why am I not filming this?" So, obviously, I filmed it.

It's Here!

2011-02-04T21:07:00.002-06:00

My new best friend. Yay!

This Week I'm Gonna...

2011-01-30T22:28:00.004-06:00

Don't read this. It's super boring, and I'm mostly just writing it down to sort it all out in my own head, and because lists motivate me. And really, don't you hate reading about the stuff that other people need to get done? Like, "Oooo! I'm so impressed that you have stuff to get done. Join the club hoser." Or maybe that's just me, lol. I am a cranky hag sometimes. The rest of you are probably a lot nicer than I am.

Monday: Laundry. I'm about.... Five loads behind. I don't know how that happened since it feels like I've been doing laundry every day. That's not counting the two loads sitting in baskets that need to be folded and put away. So that's during the day. It should be interesting because Hannah LOVES messing up piles of nicely folded laundry. In the evening I'll be at soccer with the boys. Also, MY KINDLE IS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TOMORROW!

Tuesday: Demo day. I'm gonna get all the tile off walls in the kitchen. And take Sam to preschool. That's it. Should be an easy day. I'm sure taking tile off of walls can't be that hard.

Wednesday: Subbing in Ben's class during the day and TOOPY AND BINOO in the evening!

Thursday: Clean the house after the disaster that Wednesday's business is sure to leave behind. And in the evening HARV AND SHIRLEY GET HERE!!!

Friday: Finish priming (with oil) the kitchen cupboards. I know I told Shirley I had nothing to do that day and I would just be available for whatever she wants to do, but the weather forecast says it's supposed to be nice out and I need to do the oil painting on days I can open the windows. It won't take long. An hour tops.

So that's my week. Seems much more do-able separated into days like that. When I was thinking about it all in one group it seemed a little cuckoo. The only thing that could mess it all up is if I get Sam's stomach flu. I'm really hoping the reason my stomach is upset right now is the chili I ate for supper. So no flu. For any of us. Obviously. That applies busy week, or not. NO flu.

I Don't Have It So Bad

2011-01-27T16:18:00.004-06:00

In my lowest times, I try to remind myself that I don't have it so bad. For one thing, I had a great dad, one who made everything better, someone who always made even the happiest of times seem more full of joy and meaning. I think of my baptism and my wedding and how having him there made a wonderful perfect day somehow more wonderful. He did that all the time. He was that kind of dad. I was blessed to have him for as long as I did. Losing him doesn't, can't, change that.

And I have a beautiful family. I have a sister who makes me laugh, who I can cry with, who could not possibly be more dear to me. I have two wonderful brothers who somehow make me feel both protective and protected, and they have brought two fantastic girls into my life who I love more every day I know them, and who fit in so well with our family. I have a super adorable niece and two fab nephews who light up my life, and who are so cute I can barely stand it. I have a mom who is my best friend. She knows everything about me, and loves me anyways, and she is the person who I want to call first whenever anything, big or small, happens to me. And I have three amazing children who are healthy and happy and who fill my days with joyful chaos. And I have Glen here to help manage that chaos. (Usually. Sometimes he's part of the chaos.)

And don't even get me started on the many friends and huge extended family who I love and who love me. I am blessed beyond the words to explain it. (Quite something for someone like me.)

And I have pain in my life, but I wouldn't trade all of that joy to be pain free. Obviously.

There are people who have never had a dad like mine, they may not have to experience the pain of losing him too soon, but they never experienced the joy of loving and being loved by their dads like I was. One of the things that I know will come with time is that I will be able to feel the blessing more than the pain when I think of him. I try, but I struggle with that one. I have to keep reminding myself: I don't have it so bad.

I was reminded of that by someone other than me today. On occasion, since the earthquake in Haiti, I read the blog of a missionary family there. I haven't been to their site for awhile, but today a friend on facebook posted a link to their blog...

And I was reminded...

To remember my blessings before my pain, to hold onto hope even in the most hopeless looking situations, to love those who are close to me with all of my strength, and to embrace each day with all of my many blessings and treasure what I have been given.

I remember those last nights in the hospital with dad, and how it felt knowing that my friends and family were holding us up in prayer in the face of our great loss, one friend stayed up all night "with us" from many miles away. And those prayers were such a comfort to us. So please, let's all pray for Cody and Maria Whittaker and their daughters, Isabela and Susana. What a painful road they have ahead of them, but I'm sure they wouldn't trade a minute of the pain of loss if it meant being without all the joy of having.

Babies Crying in Snow: A Retrospective

2011-01-23T17:21:00.008-06:00

Remember this?
And this?
Here's the pink version:

(Oh come on. You know you want to laugh.)

Belief

2011-01-22T20:38:00.007-06:00

So those are the two things I'm struggling with. I suppose I've always struggled with those things, but when Dad was diagnosed... No. Before then even. The day he was first admitted to the hospital, before the official diagnosis, I remember sitting on my bed after I'd hung up the phone and first moaning, and then screaming. No. Just NO. Because I couldn't face this. Because this was going to change my whole world. Because I knew my faith was not strong enough to make it through unscathed.

It's not fair that other people still have their dad's and it's not fair that my kids don't have a grampa. And they had the best one too. It's not fair that my mom is going on vacation alone, and it's not fair that Mike can't introduce his new girl to dad so he could tease her and make her laugh, and it's not fair that Jonathan doesn't have any pictures of Dad with Nathaniel, and it's not fair that my sister thinks about who she would ask to walk her down the aisle if she gets married. It's not fair that he was taken away from us. By cancer. Stupid effing cancer.

Not by God.

But even still, I am mad at Him. I'm like a little child screaming and raging against what I don't, and maybe can't, understand. And maybe my Father is trying to reach out to me. He's trying to explain it to me, or maybe just to say, "I know. I know it hurts. But I can't fix it the way you want me to," the way I do when Ben or Sam or Hannah want things they can't or shouldn't have. And just like them I DON'T CARE. It's not fair and I want what I can't have. And maybe there's a reason and maybe there's not, but I DON'T CARE. I want my Dad back. I want stupid cancer to have never happened. I want God to fix this, and the longer I have to wait for what I want the more I blame Him.

Even though I know, the world's not fair. Jesus knew that. He lived and died it. It's not a fair place and if it was we would have lost my dad forever instead of for now.

Even though I know, God didn't take my dad away. He didn't save him, not the way I wanted Him to, but He didn't take him away. Maybe there was a reason, a meaningful reason, but maybe the reason was just that there's this thing called stupid cancer, and some people survive it and some people don't. This world is full of pain, and mine isn't remarkable, and I don't have to explain every bad thing to believe in the good things. I do believe.

But oh, it hurts. Every day it still hurts.

I think back to that afternoon sitting on my bed crying and feeling sick and scared and trying to tell myself that all my worst fears couldn't possibly come true, that there had to be some hope. And there wasn't. That hurts. Not as much as it hurts to know that this part of my life is the part with no Dad, but it's there underneath... And I still can't seem to find a way to dig it out so I can start to... I don't know. Something.

Everything Happens For A Reason

2011-01-21T23:05:00.004-06:00

I believe that. It's basic cause and effect. If you don't believe everything happens for a reason you're dumb, because it does.

A ball goes through a window. There's a reason. Someone hit it, or dropped it, or threw it. Or maybe it fell from space after Wile E. Coyote hit it up there with a rocket powered Acme baseball bat. And whoever put the ball into motion probably had a reason for doing one of those things.

HOWEVER, it does not follow that everything happens for a good reason, or even an intelligent one.

Here's an example. On January 8th a little girl was killed in Arizona. There was a reason, actually there were lots of them, but some people thought it was a good reason. Some people thought it was God's reason, that He sent the shooter. They are the kinds of people who believe that everything happens for a reason in the way that I don't believe it. Because I don't believe that God orders every aspect of our lives. I don't believe that God is happy when little girls die or when tsunami's devastate countries or when all kinds of bad things happen all over the world every day. I don't believe that.

So what do I believe? How do I look out at a world filled with horrors happening every day and still believe that God is both all powerful and loving at the same time?

It's not easy sometimes. It's almost completely impossible at other times. I remember crying for days over a news story about a baby beaten and molested and then left in her exersaucer to die, and I have never doubted God's love more. Because if He loved that baby... Why? How? HOW? How could a loving God see that horror and not strike those evil men down? How could he not stop things like that from happening?

And how could God watch us fast and pray, and beg, and worry, and struggle, and then finally watch our hearts completely break when my dad took his last few breaths. And why? Because I know that if He had healed my dad that week it would have been a good thing. And it would have spoken of God's power and goodness and faithfulness to so many people who need to see God's love in action, who need to believe He's there and He cares about them. So why?

I don't know, but I do know that everything does not always happen for a good reason.

(That's my second point. I'll tie this all together tomorrow.)

Fair Isn't Always Equal

2011-01-21T00:18:00.007-06:00

That's one of my core teaching philosophies. (I bet you are all super stoked about this post right now, hey? What an exciting title and introduction!)

As a little girl, of course, I thought much differently. And sometimes in regular life I forget that that's what I believe. Like when I think I should get exactly what everyone else around me gets, and I should only have to work as hard as everyone around me is working, and... You get the picture.

In school, when you're the gal in charge of a group of kids, it becomes clear very quickly that you can't treat all the children in your class equally. It wouldn't be fair. Because the fact is kids aren't the same. Oh, we like to tell them they are. We like to say things like "You can be whatever you want," and "We're all the same inside," but we're can't, and we're not.

It's a sad but true fact of life that some kids are smarter. Some are more talented, charming, popular, and hard working. Some are just more suited to the traditional classroom that most of us grew up in. Some have better attention spans. Some have no disabilities to slow them down. Some don't seem to have to even try to succeed, they just do somehow. And some have better home lives. (That's a big one.)

So some kids need more time. They need more attention. Sometimes they need a teacher to be creative and teach them and evaluate them in entirely different ways. Sometimes they need their teacher to be more strict, and sometimes they need a teacher to just cut them some slack.

It's the only way to be fair.

Which sounds good. Doesn't it? That we can give all children a fair chance by treating them not equally, but fairly? Yes, that's what I believe. Most of the time. Most of the time I really believe that the right teacher really can make a difference one child at at time.

My very first time out student teaching I discovered the one thing that can screw up my nicely worked out teaching philosophy. Here's what happened... (Story time! Everyone find a seat, criss cross apple sauce, and hands in your bucket.)

I was working three afternoons a week at one of the inner city schools in Saskatoon, and for some reason I needed to speak with the principal. When I went to his office I found him working behind his desk, and off to the side, tucked under a blanket on a couch was a little grade three student. Sleeping. We stepped outside to talk about whatever I needed to talk to him about, and he explained why she was napping in his office.

Apparently, whenever she was having a rough day at school, that's where she would be found. And she had a lot of rough days. Which made sense when he explained that her parents often didn't bother sending her to bed till well after midnight. And when she got to bed she was sleeping in a room with a broken out window. In a basement suite apartment. In inner-city Saskatoon. In the winter. In January. In Saskatchewan. They had put plastic or cardboard over the window, but she often came to school exhausted after spending the night freezing cold and fully dressed, shivering in her bed, and scared that someone would come in the window.

And that's when it hit me. The one thing that could mess up my nicely worked out philosophy: Life isn't fair. Sometimes it's just not. In fact, more often than not... It's not. Because no matter what the school did, that little girl was not going to get an equal or fair shot at an education. They were doing the best they could, they'd called in the social workers, they were trying to work with the family, and I'm sure that the window situation would have been remedied by someone ASAP... But even then... She was on a hard road, much harder than a lot of her classmates, and it likely wasn't leading anyplace good.

And there are lots of stories like hers, and worse. Some of them much worse.

I was very blessed to grow up thinking differently, but the older I get the more I see that this world is not always a happy place. It's not even a fair place. No matter how badly we'd like to see everyone get an equal chance, or at least fair treatment, sometimes all we can do is damage control. Sometimes life sucks, and it's not fair, and no one can fix it, and no matter what we do or say we can't make it right, or even just fair and equal.

(That's my first point. I'll get to the second one tomorrow. :)

New Rules

2011-01-16T18:40:00.004-06:00

Well, it's been a while.

I think I need to make up some kind of rule for myself or it'll be months before I post again. And I do like posting here. I do.

Maybe my rule should be once a week. I could do that I think. I like typing. It makes me feel very professional. I like the clickity click of the keyboard. I like watching the words form up on the screen. That's good stuff.

Part of the problem is that I still often feel like what I really want to say, and what is really important to me, is not what other people want to hear. And that feeling is just getting stronger as time goes on and the world moves on without us.

I think I need to make it so my blog posts don't show up on facebook. Because when my posts go to facebook I know there are people who are reading who really don't care. Or who really don't know me. And that part doesn't bother me that much really, but even if the people who come here don't care and don't know me, it's their problem. They came here. If it goes to facebook then it's kind of being shoved in people's faces. It feels a little narcissistic to me. "Read me! Read me! Comment! Comment! Like me! Like me!"

Which is also fine for most posts. For ordinary ones it's fine. I have no problem asking for attention and approval... Most of the time.

Anyways, all that just to say I'm gonna try this for a while with some new rules:

Post once a week.
No more blog posts on facebook. This is a hard one for me because I like having the posts backed up on facebook, and I like that it's easy for people to see when I've posted because my posts automatically go there when I post here. But, in the end, I think I'll post more if I keep the blog and facebook separate, and I'll be happy to have all the comments for each post in one place and know that the people reading and commenting care enough to come here to see if I've posted.

So that's what I'm going to do. Starting... Now.

He Opens a Window

2010-12-07T22:12:00.004-06:00

God helps those who help themselves. That's a dumb thing to say. For one thing, it isn't even close to biblical, for another it always seems to be said at the dumbest times. It goes hand in hand with "If you believe, you shall receive," which isn't a dumb thing to say if you don't say it to someone whose dad is only a few hours away from losing his fight with cancer. Sometimes people believe things and say things without thinking very much about how what they believe and say could be - for lack of a better word - wrong. Or at least, not accurate, and definitely not helpful.

Someone said to me, after Dad died, (I hate writing that, "died") that "When God closes a door He opens a window." What a dumb thing to say. First of all, it made no sense. I'm sure they said it just because they couldn't think of anything to say. (Tip: If you can't think of something to say to someone who is hurting, it's the perfect time to say, "I can't think of anything to say to you. I want to say something to help, but I know I can't say anything that will help." Because seriously, when you can't think of something to say that's JUST when you will say the dumbest thing ever. Trust me. I do it all the time.)

The other day, for some reason, I was thinking of that. I still think it's a dumb thing to say to someone who just lost their dad, or their job, or their boyfriend, or their whatever. And people always say it, to each other, and to themselves. But I was thinking of it the other day anyways.

This is the thing I thought: No one ever goes in a window when the door is right there wide open. They don't even climb through a window when the door is just shut. But on occasion, something happens and you can't get in the door, so you have to go in through the window. It's hard, but if you have no other way to get inside you scramble through, and usually fall on your face when your foot gets hooked on the windowsill.

Personally, I would be lying if I said I'm not mad that the door's closed, that I'm not mad that I knocked and knocked and begged and screamed to be let in through the door I've always gone through. And the one who could keep it open, for at least a while longer, stood on the other side and let me cry. That's how it feels on this side of the door. I know people will tell me that He was standing there with me, but I have never felt more alone then when I was standing there pounding on this side just wanting to go through the rest of my life the easier way, the way with Dad in it.

But that way is closed... For now. And I still think it's a dumb thing to say, but it sums up this last year. I didn't choose to get through this year like this, but I did get through... Because it was the only way. And maybe it will never be as easy as it used to be to get through. I think it probably won't. But that's life. My life and many other people's lives.

We've propped up ladders and put chairs on the other side to step onto so it's not as hard as it was when we first found the door shut tight, but still, we're scrambling through windows and it sucks.

So, as a comment on how life sometimes sucks, but you do what you have to do to get through it, I guess it makes sense. There is always a way, and hopefully you still feel God there with you making sure that way, even though it's harder, is open for you. But as a comment that's meant to make you feel better when you feel like your whole world is being taken away? Lame.

That's what I was thinking anyways.

Poor Girl

2010-12-04T22:38:00.005-06:00

I wrote a new post for Hannah. She had a bit of a day.

Poor Hannah. Everything is just a little too difficult to handle lately. I think it's because she's at one of those transition stages babies have where their abilities can't quite keep up with their expectations... Like just before they learn to crawl, walk, talk, etc. Maybe if we win this contest over at Tickled Pink Gifts for Girls she'll cheer up.

Done Like Dinner

2010-11-30T20:30:00.004-06:00

I've seen a few people post this video on facebook. I like it. It gives me goosebumps actually. That is a fantastic group of singers. I was going to post it here to celebrate the end of NaBloPoMo, much like the way I did a few years ago, but I decided to post this video instead:

It makes me happy. I can't explain it, but I burst into tears when I watch it. Well, I can explain that part, I burst into tears fairly easily, and this just makes me really happy for some reason. Not the song. Not Oprah. Just all of it.

So it fits this post, because YAY! 30 posts in 30 days. Done. (Plus one.)

Christmas Finery

2010-11-29T23:10:00.004-06:00

This is the post for today:A picture of the kids all ready to have their pictures taken with Santa, and this little tiny bit of gushing: I have the cutest sweetest little crew in the whole wide world. Look at Hannah in her Christmas finery! I can't even begin to express how much fun it is to dress her, especially at Christmas. Yay! Yay! Yay!

It's No Secret. I Like Books.

2010-11-28T14:40:00.004-06:00

Hannah is sick. She had a rough night, coughing and coughing, and then puking. As a result I am tired, and was seriously dreading the writing of this post. Lucky for me my friend Carol tagged me in another of those quizzes on facebook. I won't tag anyone else except Sheila, because she's the only one I know who's still doing NaBloPoMo. And she always seems to have something interesting to post, so I won't be hurt if she doesn't need to resort to using a quiz as a post. Here it is:

Have you read more than six of these books? The BBC believes most people will have read only six of the 100 books listed here. Instructions: Copy this into your NOTES. Bold those books you've read in their entirety, italicize the ones you started but didn't finish or read an excerpt. Tag other book nerds. Tag me as well so I can see your responses!

(I bolded the ones I've read like it says, but I put a star by the ones I've read more than once, or ones that are some of my favourite books EVER. And I put stars by the ones I haven't read, but am planning to read in the near future. I had to look up a few of them, because the title sounded familiar, but I barely remember reading them.)

*1. Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen

*2 The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien

*3 Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte

*4 Harry Potter series – JK Rowling (all)

*5 To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee

*6 The Bible

7 Wuthering Heights (I tried, oh, how I tried.)

8 Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations – Charles Dickens

*11 Little Women - Louisa May Alcott

12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 – Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare

15 Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks

18 Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger

19 The Time Travellers Wife – Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch – George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby -- F Scott Fitzgerald

23 Bleak House – Charles Dickens

24 War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy

*25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams

26 Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh

27 Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina –Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield – Charles Dickens

*33 Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis

*34 Emma – Jane Austen

*35 Persuasion – Jane Austen

*36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis

*37 The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Berniere

39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Willaim Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne

41 Animal Farm – George Orwell

*42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

*43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabrial Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving

45 The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins

*46 Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery

47 Far from the Madding Crowd -- Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies – William Golding

50 Atonement - Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martell

52 Dune – Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

*54 Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens

58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

*59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon

60 Love in the time of Cholera - Gabriel garcia Marquez (I tried this one to see if it was any better than the movie, which I hated. It wasn't.)

61 Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck

62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas

66 On the Road - Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy

*68 Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick – Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

72 Dracula – Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson

74 Notes from a Small Island - Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses - James Joyce

76 The Bell Jar - Sylivia Plath

77 Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal – Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray (I lost it. I wonder whatever happened to that book?)

80 Possession - AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas - Charles Mitchell

83 The Colour Purple - Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert (It's in my pile on my nightstand right now.)

86 A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry

*87 Charlotte's Web - EB White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree collection - Enid blyton

91 Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince - Antoine de Saint Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks

94 Watership Down - Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet – William Shakespeare

*99 Charlie & the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

Santa's Here!

2010-11-27T23:14:00.011-06:00

It doesn't feel like the Christmas season has really arrived until Santa rolls into town... Very slowly, behind a bunch of cars with Christmas lights on them, and some trailers with little kids riding and waving, and a whole bunch of people walking down the street handing out candy canes that I will throw out because my kids won't eat them.

But first, look how cute Hannah is. She's sick, and nothing makes her feel better than sitting in my bed all day watching YouTube videos on my laptop. I understand Hannah. My bed is the best place in the world when I'm sick. Or any time actually. (Which is why you can see my book just behind the laptop.)

I also have to point out her socks. Which took me right back to when Sam was this age.

And moving onto the parade...

Sam got to ride on the float for his preschool. (Don't ask why he isn't wearing mittens. I can't answer that. I never did get a straight answer out of Glen.) His teachers said Sammy was the best Merry Christmasser. (That's how you'd spell that right? Two s's?) Nice and loud. What a shocker. (He's the one in the Huskies hat, just in case you have trouble picking him out. Which you shouldn't, because he's also the only one not wearing mittens.)

His daddy got to walk alongside (wearing a shirt and antlers provided by the preschool) and hand out candy.

I got to sit in a nice warm wagon snuggling Ben and Hannah with some blankets and a good friend to keep me company and take our picture. (Man, I can't wait till I can smile with my mouth open again. I am getting really sick of that smirk.)

This was my favourite float. It looked even better in person.

And the grand finale. Santa Phil. Only in Yorkton does Santa ride down the street calling out to people by name and saying things like, "The kids are getting so big! Ho ho ho!"

Getting to Know Me

2010-11-26T22:23:00.004-06:00

It's that time of day: The time of day when I realize midnight is coming, and either I'm relieved, because I've posted something I actually wanted to post, or I'm racking my brain trying to come up with something, ANYTHING to post.

And I've got nothing. Which is too bad for you, because last night on facebook I got tagged in one of those "answer all these random questions about yourself" things. And so I give you the ones I feel like answering. There are fifty all together, I wonder how many will end up on here?

Getting to Know You

1. What time did you get up this morning?
Uhhh... Sometime around eleven? I woke up at around nine, but Hannah and I like to hang around in my bed as long as possible in the mornings, and the boys were busy playing Nintendo, and yes, I did think to myself, "This is the life."

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Toy Story 3, I cried through almost the whole thing. That was an intense movie.

4. What is your favourite TV show?
Hmmm. This is way too hard to answer. The show that makes me the happiest right now is probably Modern Family. But seriously, I love TV, and our digital recorder has CHANGED MY LIFE. No more wasted time on commercials. No more stressing that I'm going to miss a show. And now I usually watch my shows during Hannah's nap time which is much more convenient than in the evenings. I love that thing.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
A private island someplace warm. There would be no people that I don't like. And no traffic. And we'd all have gold carts to drive around. And there would be no Tim Horton's and no Walmart. Yesssssssss. (But there would be digital recorders.)

9. Favourite Place to Eat?
If you know me at all, you know the answer to that question is, and forever will be... Taco Bell.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
A private island someplace warm. There would be no... You get the picture.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
Empty.

15. Where would you want to retire?
See questions five and thirteen.
This reminds me of a camp story, which only Angerama Comin' Atcha and Scotty D. will remember, or possibly the campers who were subjected to "Scuttle Uh Rubbin Duh's, Angerama's and Beckerama's Craft House Rules". (Man, I wish I still had those.) That's all I'll say, because you really had to be there. It was funny though. Trust me. Or Ang or Scotty if you happen to know them. (Hi Mabel!)

16. Favourite time of day?
Nap time. Or bed time. LOL. That's terrible isn't it? And I do enjoy the children, I do! It's just, oh, how I love nap time.

18.What is your favourite sport to watch?
Live? Football. But only the Riders. On TV? Golf. I don't know why.

22. Bird watcher?
I'm going to post my friend Ashleigh's answer to this because it made me laugh and laugh:
"No. Large groups of birds kinda give me the creeps." Bahahahaha!
... But small groups are okay? Like, say, three ducks? Because a large group of them is bound to be involved in some kind of plot to pants you, or take over the world, or something.
Also: I love Canadian Geese. And pretty much all birds. LOVE THEM. But I don't have the patience that would be required to be an actual bird watcher.

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
A ballerina. I still kind of do.

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Family trips. And camping. And swimming in the dugout. And band. I loved band. And Sweetums and Jynx. And playing Barbies with my friends. And going to Gramma and Grampa's house. And playing hide and seek in the long grass where the ball diamond is now, or building forts in the vacant lot down the back alley. And tobogganing. And that trip to the states with Mom and Ang and Gramma Newson. And walking home from school with Mikey. I had a fab childhood. I really did. I think that's one of the reasons why it hurts so much to have Dad gone, I wanted my kids to grow up just the way I did.

32. Any pet peeves?
Alot.

34. Favourite Flower?
Daisies.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Once. BRUTALLY. I drove in the lane for oncoming traffic until the tester guy pointed it out, and almost took out a mailman. Those were the worst bits. The rest was equally horrific. I got ZERO points off on the next test though. Of course... It was around three years before I could get up the nerve to try again.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
I don't know. Probably Home Depot. Unless there is a place like Home Depot that has toys and kid's clothes?

43. What was your favourite vacation?
This is SO hard, because I've had a lot of good ones. GREAT ones. But it would probably have to be our honeymoon, which was a houseboat on the Shuswaps. Although last summer's trip to Drumheller... And then of course all the camping trips at Ispuchaw... And Mexico. That was so great. So hard to pick.

45. What are you listening to right now?
Ben snoring. LOL. He had a bad dream, so he says anyways, and had to sleep in my bed.

46. What is your favourite color?
Green

48. Coffee drinker?
Starbucks. But that's not really coffee. It's nectar of the gods.

50. Who to tag?
Pfft. I don't know, we'll see if I tag anyone other than Ashleigh.

This post took me a whole half hour. Tomorrow's post is going to be SHORT. And probably really lame. Lamer than THIS. Just to warn you.

Slipped Away

2010-11-25T20:25:00.005-06:00

I sort of wish this wasn't an Avril song. It would make it much easier to admit how much I like it. Well, "like" makes it sound like I enjoy it, like it makes me happy, which isn't exactly right, it makes me sad. Obviously.

I miss you,
Miss you so bad
I don't forget you,
Oh it's so sad.
I hope you can hear me, I remember it clearly...

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same.

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand.
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't.

I had my wake up
Won't you wake up,
I keep asking why
And I can't take it.
It wasn't fake
It happened, you passed by.

Now you're gone,
There you go,
Somewhere I can't bring you back.

Now you're gone,
There you go,
Somewhere you're not coming back.

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same.
I miss you.

I wish someone, I don't know, maybe a grown-up, would redo it. Or maybe not, because maybe part of what makes it so beautiful is how childish it sounds. How lost. It was no surprise to find out she wrote it for her grandpa who died while she was away on tour, because it says exactly how it is and how it feels when someone you love is just gone... One minute there, the next minute not. And you almost have to convince yourself, to tell yourself over and over, that it really happened. And all you can say, all you are left with, is the missing.

Dear Benjamin,

2010-11-24T21:04:00.005-06:00

Today I am told that you are a child with a good heart who knows what is right, and does it. In the past I have worried that because you want so badly to please people that you will try to do it by acting in ways you know are wrong. I have worried that you would follow where you know you shouldn't. But I am told that you don't do that. I am told you take time to think about what you are doing and that you make your own choices. And I am told by you, and I've seen it myself, that sometimes you do things just to make sure that you don't make someone else feel sad. You care about how other people feel, sometimes more than you care for how you feel. You will do things that you believe are right, even if it's not something that you think is fun or even if you would rather be doing something else.

You are a special person Benjamin. You are often unselfish and compassionate. Those are two things that I wish I could be more often. You put others before you, but that doesn't mean you do what they want you to do without thinking about it first. Your heart is gentle and kind, but strong and honourable too. What more could I wish for you? What more could I wish from you?

I am so glad I get to be your Mom, and today your teacher! I get to watch you grow and succeed and shine, and I couldn't be prouder of who you are and who you are becoming. I love you all day all night all day all night all day all night... Times infinity. And then some.

I Can't Think of a Title. Can You?

2010-11-23T22:38:00.003-06:00

I'm subbing in Ben's class tomorrow. He is SO excited. Plus it's pizza lunch tomorrow, which I would have probably brought Sam and Hannah for anyways, but it just makes the day even more exciting for him. I'm surprised he managed to fall asleep tonight.

Sigh. Someday he won't want me subbing in his class. But for now he does, and we are both looking forward to a fantastic day together tomorrow.

That's all I have for tonight. Except this:

And now you know how it all ends. That duck is such a little jerk. (I censored that sentence. I wanted to call him something that starts with p and ends with a man's name that starts with r and rhymes with a baby farm animal that hatches from an egg, but doesn't swim in a pond and isn't also the name of an Eurasian country. I like to keep things family friendly around here, and if you're old enough to figure out what that word is you're old enough to hear it.)

And seriously, what would you call this post if you had to think of a title? Which you don't. Lucky you.

Oh Yeah, I Almost Forgot

2010-11-22T16:13:00.002-06:00

As promised:

Bad Mood

2010-11-22T16:03:00.003-06:00

Mad at the world today. I have lots of days like this. I walk around and see old people having coffee with their friends and feel mad. I see some guy driving a junker of a truck around, and he has white hair and the window cracked open and he's smoking, and I feel really mad. I saw this couple Christmas shopping for their grandchildren. Mad. Fuzzy Rider blanket in the mall. Furious. Maple leafs P.J. bottoms in Zellars. Mad. Status updates on facebook about this weekend's big game, even my own, make me angry. Cute picture of Hannah in her church clothes. Mad. The retired guy who lives across the street shovelling his already perfectly shovelled driveway. Really stinking MAD.

With a crap load of sad thrown in just for kicks.

And you know what? I'm having a good day compared to a lot of people who just lost loved ones in car accidents this weekend. Which somehow, just makes it all suck a little bit more.

Hey... Got Any Grapes?

2010-11-21T21:05:00.002-06:00

To be continued...

Eat Your Vegetables

2010-11-20T19:37:00.005-06:00

I got nothin'.

So I'll tell you about how we've been punishing the children with vegetables lately...

The other day I didn't know what to make for supper, a common occurrence, so I made grilled cheese sandwiches and Campbell's vegetable soup. Which seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to expect children to eat.

You would have thought I offered them rat poison.

The crying. The wailing. And the gagging. GAGGING. It was completely over the top ridiculous. I admit, we don't force the boys to eat many veggies. Mostly, they just eat cucumbers and corn. And that's it. But I still didn't expect them to lose it because of some Campbell's soup. I used to love that stuff. Of course, I used to have to eat cooked peas for supper, or that veggie mix stuff. (I still hate that veggie mix. I never ever eat it.) So Campbell's the soup was like junk food to me.

So in a fit of rage, I declared that our family has a new policy. They WILL eat something they think is gross, but I think is healthy and reasonable for children to eat, once a day and things like corn and cucumbers don't count. AND they will eat it without crying and dragging out the process to last what seems like forever, or they will eat it again the next meal.

Imagine my surprise when they managed to choke down their gross veggies for three meals in a row now with almost no crying. Carrots and peas. And red peppers. Red peppers! Tomorrow Ben says he's going to eat mushrooms. For crying out loud.

Tomorrow I may break out the big guns: broccoli. If that doesn't make them cry, I don't know what will. (I love broccoli by the way, and have for as long as I can remember.) Because this little parenting exercise is no fun if they just suddenly start eating vegetables with no crying or excessive gagging. That would mean I could have done this ages ago.

Worth the Wait?

2010-11-19T22:25:00.003-06:00

Well, I started working on this post well before midnight. So it still counts as Friday. Plus it's still Friday somewhere...

Something was going on with my video camera and I ended up having to upload all 576 videos from it onto my computer just to get at the one I wanted. And then I had to upload that one to YouTube. So it took longer than I'd planned for it to take. But I think Hannah is worth the wait. I had trouble picking which "take" to put up, because in an earlier one she sings a little louder and longer. And then in another one she gets very excited when the star takes the owl for a ride through the clouds... But she doesn't say "Bye bye stah." Or "All done." So I picked this one. Because you get a little of everything. She's just so cute though, that none of the videos can fully capture how sweet she is when she watches Twinkle Twinkle. Hope you like it. For most of you it will get pretty boring, but I'm putting it up mostly for Mom anyways, who is the only person who finds Hannah nearly as captivating as I do.

If You Have Small Children...

2010-11-18T22:46:00.006-06:00

Don't let them watch this. It's like crack cocaine to them. Hannah is in bed right now sobbing, "Stah! Stah! Bye bye stah! Stah... Stah... ... ... Stah. Stah. Stah? ... ... ... Stah. STAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!"

I wonder how one would go about staging an intervention with a one year old?

"Hannah, we're all here because we love you. And we hate to see the way this obsession has changed you. It's all you think about. You don't want to play with any of your toys anymore. You won't eat. (Okay, you didn't eat before either, but that's not the point.) You can't even sleep at night because all you can think about is when you're going to get your next fix. And Hannah, when Twinkle Twinkle is causing a problem, maybe it is the problem. Help us help you Hannah. You have to let it go. Let the star go."

Fish Fries

2010-11-17T17:22:00.002-06:00

Today I'm thinking about fish fries.

For some reason, I have in my head what I remember as our last fish fry with Dad. In the new screen kitchen that Roscoe tore a hole through. I only got one piece of fish, because Ben was hogging it all.

Sometimes, I wish I'd known it was the last _______, so that I could have cemented it into my memory a little better. Like, I wish I knew the last time I rode in the car alone with Dad was going to be the last time. So I could remember what we talked about. Or I wish I could remember the last trip to Canadian Tire, or ride in his truck, or the last thing he cooked for us, or the last TV show I watched with him, or the last story he read to the boys.

The last fish fry, I remember. Which is lucky. I also remember our last phone conversation, and our last hug. I suppose now that there are no new memories to make it's natural to want to lock all the old memories into my mind, to make sure I don't lose them the way we lost him. I took a lot of pictures and videos of Dad, but I wish I'd taken way more. I don't have enough memories, I still needed to make more.

I wish there were more fish fries with Dad ahead of us. I loved fished fries at the lake, and they'll never be as good as they were with him at the camp stove.

That's all.

A Day in Links

2010-11-16T21:07:00.005-06:00

Well, the day in photos isn't going to happen. I'm grumpy and I think I'm getting sick.

But so that we still get to compare and contrast here is a quick break down of the day with some corresponding links, just so that you don't feel jipped:

Spent the morning in bed watching Toopy and Binoo with Sam and Hannah, and trying to read my book.
Got a speeding ticket taking Sam to preschool.
Came home and ate cake for lunch to make up for missing it last night, and to cheer myself up while I wrote a cheque to pay the ticket.
Picked up Sammy, who learned some awesome Taekwondo moves and taught them to Hannah.
Picked up Glen from school, and took my new route home, avoiding all school zones because I am physically incapable of driving 40km/hr while teenagers speed past me.
Took a nap while Glen got the kids McDonald's for supper because our kitchen is a mess from renovating, and neither of us were in the mood to exert any energy making something the children won't eat anyways.
Watched some more Toopy and Binoo with Hannah in bed, while the boys played Nintendo, and Glen went to the Terriers hockey game to set up whatever it is he sets up for them.
Watched Raising Hope while eating microwaved McDonald's.
Wrote this post for nablopomo.

And there you have it.

A Day in Photos

2010-11-15T22:30:00.000-06:00

Woke up. Blah. Too early. I am not used to this and I don't like it.

Got up. Happily, my sick cousin Erika (who stayed the night to avoid more puking on the side of the highway) wasn't as sick as last night, so I rushed her out the door along with the children. She had to have her Timmies, so we stopped off there. While she ran in, because the drive thru was WAY too long, I ran into Booster Juice. Came out. No Erika. Ditched Erika with plans to meet on the highway. Then was ditched by Erika, and followed her to Regina, before saying goodbye at Balgonie. The drive, except for the places that were super foggy, looked like this:

Got to Regina. Barely on time. Dropped off the Ben and Sam and Hannah at Angerama's. I have no picture for that part, because I was in a big hurry.

Drove to the dentist. Again, no picture, well, actually lots of pictures were taken, but I didn't take them, and I wouldn't show them to you even if I had because no one wants to see close-ups of my teeth. (Or lack of teeth.)

Back to Ang's to get the children. No picture. Because I hadn't thought of this whole "Day in Photos" thing yet. I only have a picture of what the drive looked like because I wanted a picture of the fog. I think it was pretty.

Where was I? Oh yeah, at Ang's. Then it was off to Chuck E. Cheese. (Because I promised. That's why. Stop asking so many questions.) On the way I looked for a Fabricland, because I wanted to see if they had some fabric that they ran out of here in Dorkton. I didn't find one. I did, unfortunately (ha ha, kidding, we had a fab time) find Chuck E.'s. Here's what it looked like:

Jiminy Cricket! What the froink is that in the background? Oh for... Anyways. Back on the road. Because I seriously didn't notice that Fabricland till just now when I was cropping that photo, or we would have obviously gone there. How irritating is that? I'll tell you. Super irritating.

Where? Was? Oh yeah. On the road. The drive back mostly looked like this:

Not at all boring.

Got to Yorkton and stopped for some groceries, where Ben drove into the back of my foot with one of those tiny carts and it still hurts like crazy, and to exchange some belts I bought and didn't use for Halloween. I got a scarf. Ben got a new toque.

(He was so happy, but too bad for you, I didn't think of doing this post till after he was in bed sleeping... And so I have no... Wait. Hold on a sec. I'll be right back)

There he is:

Picked up Glen from school. Came home.

Got the boys ready for soccer and went to the Gallagher center for a quick supper. Ran into some friends who joined us in a fabulous meal of rink fries and chicken fingers. I couldn't eat it. My stomach was still rolling from the gross Chuck E. pizza. Bleck. But we had a nice visit.

Soccer. It looked like this:

(Sam loves coach Dale. I do too. He's the best.)

(Okay. I have to comment here too, because Sam has the BEST soccer kick in the whole world. He makes this "POOM!" sound whenever he kicks hard and his arms shoot straight back. It's so great. Ang, you would LOVE IT.)

(And just one more of Sam. He posed like this on his own. I don't even think he knows what that finger sign means, he just did it spontaneously. I love him.)

(And here's Ben, who had a great time tonight. I don't get nearly so many pictures of him because I don't have to stay on the "field" during his practice like I do with Sammy. And because he runs all over the place "like a maniac", Sam's description, and getting a shot of him from the stands is nearly impossible. One of these days though, when I make Glen come to sit with Sam during Ben's practice, I will get a whole bunch. Did I explain that Sam has practice first, then Ben? Yes. He does. They do.)

Then back home. The kids are snacked and storied and in bed in record time so that I can play with Hannah, cook some meat before it spoils (I saved it for supper tomorrow, it's way too late for cooking spaghetti), make Ben's lunch, have a bath, facebook, and write this post. I think I'm going to have McCain cake for supper. I would take a picture, but I don't want to shock anyone with the size of the piece I intend to cut for myself.

(I'm going to do this post again tomorrow, as sort of a compare and contrast type of thing.)

(My foot really hurts.)

(The cake will make it better.)

Girl Things

2010-11-14T20:15:00.005-06:00

You know what? Having a girl is in every way even better than I hoped it would be. Especially when I can take Hannah Banana to the mall with my friend and her little girl. And we can look at girl things, and buy girl things, and dress them the same, and get them "best friend" necklaces... Oh man. That was WAY too much fun.

And we get to do it all again next weekend, because that's when Natalie says they're coming back. (Ronda? That's okay with you right?)

The Timlight Zone

2010-11-13T23:27:00.003-06:00

My plan was to post this story today. And laugh and laugh at how American's are smarter than Canadians. At least when it comes to coffee.

But then the weirdest thing happened today.

I already mentioned this, but my friend Ronda (from high school!) and her daughter are here visiting (yay!) for the weekend, and she just HAD to have her Timmies. So I packed some provisions (food, water, books, pillows) for the wait in the drive thru and when we got there...

THERE WERE ONLY TWO CARS IN LINE!

It took like, FIVE MINUTES! FROM START TO FINISH!!!!! Unbelievable. Seriously, I could not believe it. It felt like we had somehow slipped into another dimension or something, because, I swear I have never driven by that drive thru with less than, I don't know, five cars? And the average has to be at LEAST ten.

Unbelievable. Ronda is getting a very good impression of Dorkton. She keeps exclaiming, everywhere we go, "I can't believe you guys have a (fill in the blank)!"

Plus I made her a fantastic stir-fry for supper and Ang's World Famous Caramel Corn for night snack. Yesssssssssss. I am telling you, I am a fabulous hoster.

Whoops.

2010-11-12T23:48:00.000-06:00

It's a little past midnight. That's okay though, I can change the time in the post settings. And really, I'm still awake, so for me it's still Friday.

I got nothing.

My friend Ronda and her adorable daughter are here for the weekend. Ronda and I have big plans to sit on the couch with our laptops and watch movies. BIG plans. We already went to Walmart and Superstore. I'm telling you, this is going to be one WILD weekend.

It's not a good idea to eat chips over top of a laptop, by the way.

Heroes

2010-11-11T23:46:00.009-06:00

The other day I posted about a man in a wheel chair who stood up for what was right. He saw what needed to be done, and he did it. No excuses, no second thoughts, no looking around to see if there might be someone else better equipped to do the job. That's what made him a hero.

And that's exactly what makes, and what made, so many soldiers and civilians heroes... All those who stand up for the freedoms we enjoy every day.

Ack!

2010-11-10T23:58:00.002-06:00

It's almost midnight! How does this keep happening?

Okay. Here's the post.

Uh...

I got nothing. I'm gonna go back to watching my movie.

This still counts.

What a Guy!

2010-11-09T23:40:00.003-06:00

I saw this on the news tonight. A couple times. I love it. I especially love the raw footage at the end of this that show him wheeling up with so much determination and single-minded purpose. That guy saw what needed to be done, and he did it. No excuses, no second thoughts, no looking around to see if there might not be someone else better equipped to do the job.

Why can't I be more like that?

(Here is a link to another story about him that I liked. It tells a bit more about who he is, and I liked the interview with him a little better...)

Shark Boy: Mutant Child Rises from the Depths of the Ocean

2010-11-08T23:47:00.006-06:00

Wa? That title makes no sense. Becky has obviously completely lost all touch with reality due to the constant blogging. Oh, but it does make sense. Just you wait. It makes a horrible shocking sense, that I can barely stand to think about. (Well, maybe it's not quite that bad. I guess.)

So anyways, today Ben was reading to me and I happened to glance down at him and, "What the hoink is that in his mouth behind his teeth?" And do you know what was there? Adult teeth. Growing in behind his baby teeth!

I didn't think of taking a picture at the time, but this should give you the idea:

Okay. It wasn't QUITE that bad. That's a shark. Obviously. But that's the first thing I thought of when I saw that tiny white tooth poking out of his gums in a spot that (it seemed to me anyways) no tooth (on a human being anyways) should be.

Apparently, I'm not the only one who has had this thought when faced with the horrible reality of my child being a mutant shark-type creature. Check out this hilarious blog post written by a mom about her own shark child.

And, apparently, this whole second row of teeth thing isn't that uncommon. (Even though, seriously, have you EVER heard of this? I haven't.)

And, apparently, my second thought, which was that his baby teeth will probably have to be pulled and once that happens the new teeth should move into the spots where they're supposed be, is pretty much right.

So, deep calming breaths till I talk to my cousin the dentist tomorrow.

Ben is stoked though. The baby tooth in front of the adult tooth that is the furthest out is a little loose, and he's heard all about the tooth fairy from all his friends. So he took my request that he wiggle it as much as possible, very well.