All Hail The Supreme Dictator
Remember when you were a little kid and you got to sit on your dad's lap and "drive" his truck? I do. Driving always seemed like it would be so much fun. I always had it in my head that it involved a lot of both-hands-on-the-wheel, back-and-forth type motions. Sadly, reality is not at all like that. It mostly involves holding the wheel steady with the occasional tiny motion to keep the car going straight, punctuated by some intersections and corners. Blah. So boring.
When I was a little kid my idea of driving was actually a lot closer to what it is like to drive bumper cars. Why can't driving be like that? We could all get new cars that have those big rubber bumpers on them and then when someone or something gets in your way... Wham! Easy. The government could put rubber railings on all of the roads so we wouldn't even have to worry about lanes or signaling or any of that crap. Just... WHAM! Coming through people.
Of course, to be realistic, highway driving would not be at all suitable for this sort of thing so maybe no ramming on highways. Probably we'd have to make some kind of rules about semi trucks and the like too, 'cause I wouldn't want to be rammed by one of them even with rubber bumpers. Maybe a system where trucks are only allowed on certain roads at certain times would work, or maybe everything would just have to be shipped by trains.
I really need to make my lifelong dream of being Canada's Supreme Dictator a reality. Other projects that I would push through would be:
- Domes over all of the highways to keep out the animals, (Thus eliminating road kill) and weather. (Thus eliminating driving home in a blizzard.) (I like saying "Thus" it makes me feel smart.)
- The elimination of the Senate and Parliament. As Supreme Dictator I would make all of the decisions and if you don't like it, leave. (Thus eliminating the cost of ridiculous salaries and expense accounts, freeing up money for rubber bumper roads and domed highways.)
- The termination of all treaty rights within the next 10 years. (Thus eliminating the cost of supporting a whole culture and improving said culture by forcing them to be self-sufficient.)
- Establishing Taco Bell as the new national restaurant. (I don't think we have one do we? Unless it's McDonald's, in which case the need for a new national restaurant is even more urgent.)
- No loud stereos allowed. Period. Especially at the lake. Or when I'm napping.
- The implementation of a "I Know Who You Are" policy involving DNA testing at birth for every Canadian. No more wondering who done it. I know who you are. (Yes, it will be expensive, but I saved all of that money cutting off treaty rights and expense accounts. I figure I'd still come out ahead.)
- The implementation of a "War on Littering" policy focusing in particular on broken beer bottles. (Since everyone in Canada would have their DNA on file from birth, I would prosecute the perpetrators to the full extent of the law. Which basically means whatever I want it to mean. I am Supreme Dictator after all.)
- The re-testing of all drivers every five years. (Yes, it will be expensive, but seriously. No natives to support and no fancy expense accounts, we'll be swimming in moolah. Plus, do you seriously think I'd continue funding the CBC? Not likely.)
- Since I've still got money to spare, everyone gets free bowling. Cause living here is fun.
I'm sure other things would come to me, but I see these things as the most pressing. You've got to have priorities when you're running a country.