Chapter Two: Becky Gets a Backbone

Today I went back to that blog to see if anyone else commented after I responded to that "poor mothering" comment. A few people stood up for me which prompted this comment from my accuser:

"I am not accusing anyone of bad parenting. I am saying that toddlers on the loose in traffic is bad parenting. I am saying some sort of retaining device or strategy is necessary, excusable, justified. I do not look at leased children and frown; I do not observe yelling children held hostage in carts as cruel. I deem them safe. Sometimes teachers ignore the needs of a child. They may mean no harm but still, I think it bad teaching...Just as some of you would call my comments unnecessary and deem them bad. There I said it for you. Sometimes intentions are not enough. Good must prevail. I do not want to run over a child because he escaped the grasp of a well-meaning parent doing the best she could do. Do better, I say. If it takes a village to raise a child, this villager does not want to run over your child. And you certainly don't want me to."

Apparently, that ticked me off enough to put a backbone in me. I said:

"I have to say this for all of you out there who don't know me... I'm not a complete idiot. I am well aware of the fact that I made a mistake. I am well aware of the fact that good intentions aren't all that's necessary to keep my baby safe. That's why I mentioned that I felt like a bad mother. That's why I mentioned I was thinking of getting a leash for Ben. I don't need anyone to help me reach the conclusion that I put my child in danger. I don't need anyone to tell me to "do better" and I absolutely don't need anyone to tell me I don't want them to drive over my child. Give me a break already.

If it takes a village to raise a child how about if other villagers offer support and advice instead of condemnation and judgment? That's what I was trying to do when I shared my story... I think maybe a leash is a good idea. If (other children are) anything like Ben then it might save (other parents) from an experience like mine. That's all."

Anyways. Now I'm mad which might be better than being depressed. I'm not sure. If someone accused me of being a bad teacher it would be very different. I've had parents complain to me about how their child was being taught. Fine. They have a right. It's their child after all. After a long night of feeling rotten I have come to the conclusion that the only person who has a right to tell me I'm exhibiting poor mothering is me, my husband, and God. After all, it's our child.



P.S. I'd tell you where the blog is so you could read it yourself, but I've seen my family in action before and I don't want all of them running over there to gang up on anyone. 'Cause they would. Just thought you should know why I am trying to keep this stuff anonymous, since I would usually post a link.

Comments

  1. All right... I'm allowing comments this time. I'm feeling less sensitive, but please try to refrain from personal comments about whether or not you think I am a good mother. I'd appreciate it.

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  2. Ok, no good-mother or bad-mother comments.
    My feeling is this. None of us was given an instruction booklet when we had our children. We all have done things that we later regret. The best we can do is learn from that experience and move on.

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  3. ummmm....ufc rocks. what the hoink is going on? why am i confused? i'll call you tomorrow.

    ps - i'm working on the bad sister blog as we speek.

    here's a little perview - once when i was breathing too heavy and we shared a room she came over and kicked my while i was sleeping.

    yeah yeah...you can delete my stupid comment if you want.

    call me.

    did i mention ufc rocks?

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  4. I'm glad you stood up for yourself, good for you. We all make mistakes, no matter what we're trying to do, or how important it is to us. Welcome to the human race, unfortunately we screw up sometimes. Sometimes doing that hurts people around us, but hey, none of us is free of it. I do it all the time, and yep it sucks, but the best thing to do is exactly what you did I think. Try to do better, but don't let anyone beat you up for being exactly the same way they are. I don't know who that person is, and will not try to find out, but I'd bet any money that they've made a mistake that's hurt someone they love before or had the potential to.
    You know what stood out to me about your blog? Not that you didn't have Ben tied up, but that you wanted him along for company. I thought that was really, really sweet, and showed how much you love him. Okay, I'm done. Love you Becky.

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  5. K Ang, try and keep up. I was visiting a blog. I wrote a comment about putting leashes on toddlers and told the story about Ben running into the parking lot at the Shop Easy in Martensville. (I said I was considering a leash because of that incident.) Some person wrote a comment back saying they thought a toddler in a parking lot was a sign of bad mothering. I got all upset and depressed. A few people on the blog told the person who wrote the bad mothering comment that they thought it was inappropriate, or something. The person responded that I should do better and good intentions aren't enough and some jazz about it taking a village to raise a child. I said I didn't need that person to tell me that stuff and maybe they should try to be supportive instead of judgemental. And that's it. For now...

    Got it?

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  6. And for the record. I didn't kick her. I threw stuffed animals at her. I still hate to listen to people breathing while I'm trying to sleep, but luckily I have discovered that a fan drowns out little irritations like that very nicely. So I sleep with a fan. Sadly, it still can't drown out the sound of snoring. I should get some more stuffed animals...

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  7. Hey, sorry I wasn't at your defense this week... (at least Marc was, and a few others) I've kind of was off the internet for a few days and then when I got back on, there was all of this action! Sorry you had to go through it all. I try not to let other people's comments bother me, but I generally fail miserably and become depressed for days. I'm glad you felt comfortable standing up for yourself!

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  8. hi Becky, i read your original comment on the "other" blog, and linked to you through her blog. I just wanted to say that i was totally enraged when i read that woman's comment about what you shared. I was ready to write a comment back to her to wring her out, to remind her that that could happen to ANYONE and that it's not indicative of how "good" or "bad" a mother is.

    I didn't post that comment on the other blog, but now that i stumbled upon your blog, i just wanted to encourage you.

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  9. Wow! How long have I been gone? I thought it was only for a weekend. So much is going on...my head hurts.

    By the way...I think you are a wonderful mother. And I have seen you in action.

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  10. No one in the whole world is ever going to be perfect. However, everyone always expects them to be, it seems, and if they're not, they are deemed horrible people. But guess what, people? That's the farthest from the truth. We all make mistakes. It sucks, and it hurts, and we wish like heck we had never made them. But you learn from them. If you don't, then there's something wrong, but if you do, that's what counts. You try your hardest not to let it happen again. I think the horrible people are the ones who pinpoint your mistakes and try to make you feel like you're the worst person in the world because of them.

    Anyone who reads your blog and cannot tell that you love your children to pieces is either completely blind or ignorant. Or maybe they can't read, and then maybe we should suggest Hooked on Phonics. Keep doing what you're doing, Becky.

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  11. i can't stand people who make comments like that. sorry you were hurt ya dumb cluck.

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  12. We made up via emails... I really think she didn't mean her comment to sound they way it did. So I feel better. Gotta love emails.

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  13. The person who attacked you was acting 'like' an absolute TERRORIST. Like other terrorists the goal is to control you. They have terrorized you with their cruel words. Do not believe for a moment that their goal is to make you a better parent or to protect your child. They act like they believe they are ordained by God to tell others how to live. Only God has that right. They do not consider how utterly devastating their words are. That's just plain cruel and utterly wrong. It's sad that some people feel it is their right to behave like that. No matter how hard you try to protect Ben, you can not read his mind or know what he will do next. The fact is YOU ARE AN EXCELLENT MOTHER.
    Let me put this into proper perspective.
    1.)I quote, "I am not accusing anyone of bad parenting. I am saying that toddlers on the loose in traffic..." I interupt to say that 'a toddler loose in traffic' is just that and only that. A bad parent wouldn't be chasing around the parking lot to rescue their child, but would not bother to do so.
    2.)I quote "I do not look at leased children and frown; I do not observe yelling children held hostage in carts as cruel". Notice they, "I", don't but many others do. You can't please everyone and nor should you try to please this person. You have excellent parenting skills, and Ben's actions taught you a cruel lesson and the lesson is this 'you can not read another person's mind, not even your child's'.
    3.) I quote "it takes a village to raise a child" ... is a New Age lie designed to coerce parents into abdicating their responsibility for raising their own children and allowing the ungodly to have undue influence upon their children. God searched the world over to find the most perfect parental match for Ben to be raised by. He chose you, Becky and Glenn, as the most suitable parents for Ben and Sam.
    God requires parents to raise their children and ultimately no one else is accountable for them. We as fellow travellers on this earth are required by God to love each other and help each other along. This person's comments were destructive and not loving. There is only one author of destruction and only one Author of love. Judge for yourself as to who the author of these devastating comments was. The author of these destructive comments was ultimately not even the person who made them, but they will be held accountable by God for them, unless they repent of allowing Satan to use them for his purposes. We have a clear case of Satan attempting to steal your child's life, and upon failing that, his next attack was through this person, attempting to steal your mind and your peace. We need to guard our mouths and our words carefully to see whether they line up with God or not. You can do like Jesus did and say, "Father forgive them for they do not know what they do." and then forgive them for their part in this cruel turn of events. I can guarantee you that this is not easy, but it is essential for you to regain your peace of mind.
    I can see that you have already regained your sense of good parenting.
    Now here i wish to quote you, Becky "I don't need anyone to help me reach the conclusion that I put my child in danger." You did NOT do that, Ben did, and children are very good at innocently putting themselves in danger.
    Now here is another quote from you, Becky " After a long night of feeling rotten I have come to the conclusion that the only person who has a right to tell me I'm exhibiting poor mothering is me, my husband, and God. After all, it's our child."
    Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!
    Now that was God inspired!
    Lift your chin, Becky, you have just survived two of Satan's cruelest attacks.
    Lookout Satan, here comes Becky, she's going to kick your buttt!!!

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  14. Wow. Weird. Talk about Satan.

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  15. "God inspired" - Poor God ..being dragged into all this....

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  16. Uhhhh... What? Where was I? I thought this was all resolved... Sigh. Here we go again.

    First of all, I wish that people with serious things to say would not comment annonymously. (Unlesss you are Ang who writes in ALL CAPS so we all know who it is anyways.) At least I was able to contact the person who hurt me and straighten things out... Now I have to do this in the comments and I'd way rather do it in an email.

    I don't think it was the commentor's goal to terrorize me. We have spoken via email and I am certain that what she wrote in her comments was not an accurate representation of what was in her heart.

    I feel that harsh judgements like the annonymous ones above are just as destructive as the comments that originally hurt me. If I have learned anything through this it is that if we judge people's intentions by the words we read on a blog we better be prepared to be wrong. The commenter who hurt me was wrong about me, I was wrong about the commenter, and I think maybe annonymous is wrong about some stuff too. None of us have all the answers. (Especially answers concerning who is being used by Satan and who is being inspired by God. No one knows that stuff for certain except for Satan and God.)

    Also, I'm pretty sure I asked people not to comment on whether or not I am a good mother. Yup. Just checked. I did.

    Let me just end by saying, this blog is not intended to be a lecturn where I can preach all the stuff I know to the masses. It is a window into my heart. The last thing I want is for anyone to feel judged by me when they look into it.

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  17. I'm not a blogger, nor do I have a web page so I can't choose either of the other options.
    It's sad to say that any one person can be greatly used on by God on a regular basis and in another situation be used by Satan for his purpose. We all wish that wouldn't happen. But we live in a world where no one is above temptation, and everyone falls from time to time.
    Take Peter for example one day Jesus says to him "God has revealed that to you" and a few day later Jesus says to Peter "get thee behind me Satan", but Jesus did not write him off. But Peter by his own moment by moment choices chose to be used by God or by Satan. We look at Peter's life and see how powerfully God used him, and think "WOW!".
    This is simply a wake up call for each of us to carefully consider our words before we release them. As the Bible says let us judge ourselves lest we also be judged.

    Anyone can occasionally be used by Satan. I admit that from time to time I too look at the end result of my words and realize that Satan has used me, and I was pretty hard on the other person.
    To 'the person', "I apologize for my words that hurt you. Will you forgive me please?"
    To anyone else who was hurt by my words, "I apologize" as well. "Please forgive me".

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  18. Thanks Annonymous,

    I guess the only difference I see with the Jesus and Peter thing is that Jesus knew Peter. And Peter knew Jesus. He knew Jesus loved him and so was more able to receive words like that.

    I just don't want to do that kind of stuff online. It's so easy to misunderstand eachother and hurt eachother, I'm a case in point.

    Thanks though... And if you'd like to talk more you can find my email address on my profile page. Just click on contact me.

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  19. Also, I forgot to thank you for standing up for me. It's always nice to have people in you corner.

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  20. You are welcome, Becky.
    You are such a wonderful person (I've only got to know you through this blogspot).
    I totally saw red.
    I guess that's a sure sign that you'll do something you need to apologize for later.
    I apologize to you too Becky.
    Forgive me please.
    Becky, please just ignore the first nine sentences. They aren't very uplifting.

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