I'm almost all caught up on my TV watching. (Just two more episodes of America's Next Top Model to go.) This is no small feat, considering the number of TV shows I watch every week and the fact that I was over two weeks behind by the time we got home on Thursday.

I've gotta find some more shows.

I'm not ready to start thinking. I'm also not ready for life to go on. I just can't accept that it's really over. Every now and then, if I'm not really careful to distract myself I feel this rush of panic sweep over me. And then it comes back to me. All of it. And my pulse starts to race and tears well up and I fight the thought with everything in me, but it comes... Dad is dead. My dad is dead. He died. Everything was fine, and then he got cancer, and then he died.

When I let them, the thoughts run through my head like I'm still trying to convince myself. I really have trouble connecting what happened with reality. If I didn't have his camera here, and the newspaper with his obituary, and some of his shirts, and his Riders jacket, I wonder if I could convince myself that it really is all a nightmare? I think maybe I could. I fantasize about it all the time... What it would be like to wake up and realize that the last three years didn't actually happen... And the last few weeks didn't happen... And then the tide of relief that would sweep over me... And I could call Mom and Dad and tell them about my crazy-scary dream.

And the more I think the madder I get. The more I feel betrayed. Deserted. Not by my dad. My dad fought so hard. It breaks my heart to think of everything he went through to try and stay here for us, and it was all for nothing. Because God knew all along how it would end. God let that stupid cancer destroy his body. And it's destroyed me a little bit, I have to say.

I'm scared of what will happen when "life goes on". Reality is there waiting for me and I'm not ready for it. I feel like this state of limbo that I'm allowing myself to hover in is keeping me connected to that time when Dad was still here. Even my cold helps me feel connected. I don't want to be living in the part of my life without Dad, and as soon as I go back to doing the things I usually do... I'm leaving the part of my life that had my dad in it behind. I feel like I'm leaving him behind.

Oh I know, I'm being completely illogical. If someone else was writing this I could think of all kinds of "comforting" things to say to "help". But nothing really helps. Actually, scratch that. It helps when I can manage to totally distract myself. I'm thinking this is probably a fairly unhealthy way to deal with grief, but since when have I ever done things the healthy way? Since never, that's when.

So I'm going to Walmart while my Cafe World caramel apples cook. I'm going to buy some DVD's and some Halloween candy to put in packages for the boys to take to school next week. Then I'm going to do some laundry while I watch my DVD's and play Cafe World and package up the candy. I figure all of those things should keep me distracted enough to stop thinking for the rest of the evening.

And tomorrow I'll find something else, until I'm ready to think again. If I ever am.


  1. Keep writing.

    Becky, as much as your heart is breaking right now, I have to say that your writing over the last few weeks has been just amazing. While I'm no counselor or psychologist, I have to think that writing may help you through this dark space, too.

    Much love.

    another Becky

  2. There's really not a whole lot to say to this, bu gosh, kid, if you need distractions, just come to my house. My house is teeming with distractions of all shapes, sizes and colors. LOL.
    I love you, Becky. And I know eventually you will work your way through this. I'm sure the writing helps.

  3. my house was the cleanest it ever was after my Mom died...and then I ripped it apart..repainted..new carpets...moved furniture and baked pies...

    if you ever notice I'm baking or I'm cleaning the house like a mad woman..I'm grieving..

    total avoidance..
    5 yrs later...
    must clean away the pain...someone need a pie???

    love you,

  4. I'd say at this point you need to do whatever you need to do to make it through each day. Don't worry about anything besides that. If you need to distract yourself, distract away! If you need help, ask for help. If you need me to send you all 10 seasons of Friends on dvd, then, well you know what to do. : )

  5. I love your writing too - I have never gone through anything like what you are Becky, but I would think that grieving is a personal thing and you do what you have to in order to survive. I'm glad you have his camera. :)

  6. It's been a week since I saw you and I miss you, friend. Sometimes I don't know what to say, but when you're buds like we are - I guess just listening is good enough. Let's talk soon... maybe tomorrow cause tonite is chaos already and it sounds like you're keeping yourself pretty busy! ;o)
    I love you, Beckerama... so much.

  7. im a distraction person too. so here are some of my favorite tv shows you may not have on your list yet:
    -lie to me
    -arrested development

    i love you.

  8. I know that whenever I think about it, it still doesn't seem quite real to me, either. I keep thinking that when I can finally save the money and come to SK that I'm going to be able to see him. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. People may say that distraction isn't the way to grieve, but I agree that you should just do whatever you need to do to get through it. Don't feel guilty. My favorite distractions: Disney movies. When I was peeling and cutting potatoes before cooking them, I sat in the living room with a peeler, knife, cutting board, a pot and The Lion King. I recited and sang along with the movie while peeling and cutting. Can't suggest much for TV shows because I don't watch a whole lot of it. My favorite right now: The Mighty Boosh. It's a BBC (British) show. Very bizarre. Another distraction: want a phone call? It can be arranged.

  9. My PVR is full. Can you come watch some of my TV? I will be at your beck and call and bring you bon bons and Nachos with homemade salsa. I will even hold your little princess for you.

    I love your writing. You share your heart and it makes me feel closer to you. I don't like living so far apart... miss you.

  10. I'm glad you're writing too. I'm all for distraction and avoidance and I pooh-pooh in the face of people who say this isn't a completely normal (and healthy) way to live.
    Your brain and heart were made to be able to switch off when you need them to. Sometimes that's all there is. Distract. Read, clean, watch tv, bake, sew, whatever.
    My biggest prayer for your family right now is that in those moments when you're falling asleep, you are distracted, or sleep comes instantly. I hate the moments before sleep. And the quiet ones in the morning...they're no good for anything unless your life is going perfectly, and nobody's lives are, yours least of all.

    I'll pray for one happy thing to happen to you each day, one moment where one of your kids makes you smile or laugh, or you get a note or phone call from a friend. Maybe I should call. No, you call me, whenever you need a distraction. I can yabber on blindly forever, and can listen if you want to. Though I'll admit, I've always been better at the yabbering.

    I'm having a rough day today (though nothing in comparison). I'm going to cook. Wild mushroom risotto, seared scallop scampi, and a nice bottle of chardonnay. Complicated dishes that require total focus and do not allow me to leave the stove. Peter's watching Bella. I may wear earphones if she cries. I just need a minute. And a glass of wine. Come over for a glass, or bottle of wine? Please?

    Okay I'm done now. Way too long of a comment. You should moderate this stuff.


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