Don't Read This if You're Already Depressed

Dad isn't doing very well. So neither am I. Obviously.

Everything, other than crying, seems like such an effort. And all the things that make me happy don't seem real. All that seems real is the possibility that this time next year I'll be wishing to live this horrible week over again, because at least it's a week with my dad alive and here in this world, with some hope that he'll stay here for a while yet.

I take pictures of the kids, and smile at friends, and do all the things I ordinarily do, but all of it is completely empty. The only thing that is really filling me right now is dread.

I need for him to come home. I need him to be lying on his couch watching a cooking show with an iced tea on the floor beside him. I can't even remember what it felt like before all of this started. And when I look at pictures of people doing ordinary things like celebrating birthdays, or having babies, I try to imagine how I'd feel if I was that person and every happy thing wasn't shadowed by this dread.

Will Hannah ever know her grampa? Will Ben and Sam have a grampa to go fishing with next summer? Sammy is so little. They're all so little. Too little to be without him.

I'm too little too.

I'm flying out sometime this week to see him and to hopefully help my mom. Dad doesn't like being alone at the hospital, and my poor mom needs someone else there so she can sleep and eat and shower. My gramma is coming with me.

I can't bear the thought that I might also be going to say goodbye.


Hopefully all this dread is for nothing. Hopefully this week he'll start to feel better. Hopefully they'll get him stable and by the end of the week we'll be talking about putting in the new dialysis line and bringing him things to tempt him to eat. Because right now, he's not eating anything, he can't really. He's tired and he's suffering and I can only hear him getting weaker by the day and it's reminding me way too much of when Grampa died.

Maybe that's too much info for a lot of you. If I were you, I'd prefer to think that Dad will be fine until I absolutely couldn't deny the possibility that he won't be. But, like everything else, I find myself having trouble feeling like much matters besides Mom and Dad. And I know the only people who I would worry about upsetting already know all of this and are feeling pretty much the same way I am anyways.

Please God, have mercy on us and make him better so he can come home to be a grampa and a dad and a husband.

Comments

  1. Oh, Becky, it makes me so sad reading your words and your heart tonight. I don't know what else to do but join you and so many others in prayer. Sending you love (and a hug), wishing you peace, and praying for your dad to be healed.

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  2. Becky - it's OK to feel down for a while, full of tears and sadness. There's nothing wrong with that, even though some people will apparently expect you to keep smiling and be fun. Sadness is all part of real life, and unless you can escape reality, there's no need to feel either guilty or wrong about it.

    (((hug)))

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  3. I love you Becky, I am praying for you all. Many hugs to all of you!

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  4. Praying for you at this moment.

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