Dreaming

I was expecting it a lot sooner actually. My first dream with Dad alive. It helped that I was very aware that he had died, and that the time we had with him was not going to last, that the next day he was going to go back to Seattle for more treatment, and that he wasn't going to make it... Again.

He wanted to take Mom shopping. That part hurt. And it hurt that I found myself playing on the computer and watching TV and saying to myself, "I shouldn't be doing this, this is my last night with him." I suppose it's natural to resent every minute you spent doing other things, when you lose the chance to spend time with someone you love, so no mysteries about where this dream came from.

The part that hurt the most though was the hope, of course. Because, even though I knew he had died, and that this new treatment wasn't going to work, a little piece of me was still hoping that maybe he would go back to Seattle and this time he would come home. Hope hurts almost as badly as despair sometimes. Because of course, there is no "this time". There's no more time.

I'm just glad this dream wasn't too hopeful. I'm not looking forward to the one that is so real I wake up thinking he's still alive. That one will really hurt. This one was sad, but I'm used to sad.

Comments

  1. I'm sorry Becky. I can't even imagine how hard that is. I don't know why hope is harder sometimes. I love you Becky. I am so sorry you had a hard night

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  2. I hate dreaming like that. I've dreamed he was alive too, and I was so happy for you all. Then you wake up. Sigh.

    Sorry you had to go through that. And well, all of this. Love you.

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  3. I was trying to think of what I would say to you if I was in your house, and not a Province away. I don't think I would say anything. I would just squeeze your arm.

    So... Squeeze.

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  4. Yesterday, I was playing on the computer in the living room and I called Mike... "John" Then I cried and cried and made Mike cry too.

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  5. I dreamed of him the other night. He was still very sick and I kissed him and told him I love him. I could never kiss him enough and tell him I loved him enough.

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  6. I dream of my Dad once in awhile too. Last week when I woke up it was so real that I could still feel his big, warm, soft hand in mine. I dont remember what the dream was about or what he said but I could still here his voice as well. I love when I dream of him.

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  7. I remember when I had my first dream of my Dad after he died. I also new in the dream that he had to leave again but it was soooo wonderful to get a hug from him and for him to share some last words with me. It was very hard when I woke up. I just wanted to fall asleep again so the dream would come back.

    LOve you! ((hugs))

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  8. I'm not sure what to say... All I know is how it feels to wake up from a dream and say, "Glad that's over." It must be even harder to wake up and ache because you wish the dream was REAL.

    All of this is a bit freaky. Over the last year, several of my friends are experiencing the loss of a parent. Seems surreal...

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  9. I am so sorry for you all!
    So very sorry.

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  10. Surreal. That's the word. Not even close to real, I was just thinking about that today. (Again.) It ALL feels like a dream, which is probably why the dream itself really wasn't that upsetting.

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  11. I love you Becky...big hugs from here to there...

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  12. Dreamt about my grandpa again last night. It'd been a few weeks since I'd dreamt about him. Kind of nice but kind of sad...

    Sending you a big hug today. :)

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  13. {{hugs}}

    Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and miss your posts. I hope you are doing well.

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