Right There

This is the slide show that we played at Dad's funeral. I've been meaning to post it over on his blog, but there were some things on it that needed to be fixed and honestly, it's very hard to look through pictures of him.

Today though, I looked at all kinds of pictures and videos. I can't believe that they are the only way I get to see him now. I miss him more every day.

Sometime this summer I was riding beside Dad in his car back to Martensville from a trip into Saskatoon for something that I don't remember now. I don't remember how we got onto the topic, but he told me that he wanted the song on the slide show played at his funeral. That version. And I said, "Well, thanks for telling me, and I'll try to remember, but you may want to write that down somewhere since it'll be a long time till I need to know that, and I'm sure I'll have forgotten by then."

We both knew I was only trying to brazen it out. We both knew I was scared that maybe he should be telling me lots of stuff like that.

Today he's been gone for two months. It feels like two minutes and two years at the same time. One of the videos I watched of Dad today was of us walking with Ben while he rode his new bike for the first time. I watched and listened to video Becky talking to video Dad. I saw us walking along behind Ben on his bike, and chatting about whether to try and re-adjust the training wheels, or whether to just take the bike back and get a new one, and even though I remember being there very clearly and I knew it wouldn't happen... I found myself willing video Becky to put her arm around him. "Hug him! He's right there! Just reach out and touch his arm."

He was right there.

Comments

  1. Strange how once they are gone you would do anything for something as simple as a hug or a touch of the hand. Guess that should teach us not to take each other for granted. Love you Becky

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  2. i ACHE for you Becky. i ACHE thinking about you have to wake up every morning knowing that he can't hug you just one more time. cherish these memories, cherish the moments you can see in this slideshow. i love you.

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  3. Becky do you feel that you didn't love him enough, or that he didn't feel it enough from you? I suppose that might be a very natural thing to feel...especially to want to hug him more...but I would bet everything and more that he knew his little Becky loved him like crazy, and I'm sure he took great comfort in that. I love you Becky.

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  4. Oh no, that's not it at all. If anything, I'm sure I drove my dad a little crazy throughout my life with how attached I still was to him and mom. I can honestly say I'm not even a little worried that he didn't know how I felt about him. He knew.

    It's more that I want to hug him now and I can't. I wish I'd hugged him every minute of every day, not for him. For me. And I wish there was a way to step into that video and touch him, and talk to him. Somehow. Or that there was a way to bend time so that all those spots where I still "see" him, like my couch, or my backyard, or the park or wherever... So somehow he would really BE in those places again...

    ???

    I don't know how to explain it. It's a bit of a weird obsession with me. Being where he was and somehow feeling like if I could just... Something. Somehow catch him. Like video Becky could hear me and catch him for me.

    I'm not in any way joking here, and I know it's not logical, but there it is.

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  5. I understand what you are saying.

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  6. It makes perfect sense to me too.

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  7. Yep, it does make sense.
    Thank you SO MUCH for being so honest and so vulnerable with your feelings. Even though I don't fully understand the depth of pain, I feel like I can relate a little better to you when I read how you've put your feelings into words. I almost cried just now reading your post and I just want to hug my mom + dad and snuggle my nieces forever and spend good quality time with my brothers + sisters. I hope you know that I'm still praying for you + your whole family, and love you guys so much!

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  8. I get it too, and I'm thankful for your posts. I can't get the video to work though, and I'd love to see it, especially since I wasn't at the funeral. When I click play, a little yellow line appears and it wont move forward? I'm so technically lame though, it's probably something I'm doing wrong :P

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