I dreamed about Dad last night.

He got to come home from heaven for a visit. He just walked in the door at Mom and Dad's house. And we were all so happy. And I got to show him Hannah. He thought she was funny, of course, because she is, and he was amazed at how big she is now and all the things she can do. It was amazing to be able to show her to him, such a relief. Like everything that was tight inside me loosened.

(It occurs to me as I write this, that maybe that's why I talk so much about her to everyone. I catch myself doing it a lot more with her than I even did with the boys. I want to tell everyone every tiny little detail because I have this need to tell him, and I can't.)

And we watched some TV and we visited in the living room, with Mom wandering in and out of the living room like it was no big deal, like we had all the time in the world, happy and relaxed. We all felt like that. Like it would be a really long visit. Maybe years.

And then he was in the kitchen on a chair by the phone, and I walked up to him and put my arms around him where he sat. And I rested my cheek on the top of his head... On his soft hair.

I said, "This is what I should have been doing the whole time. I just want to hug you and hug you and hug you. " And then I said, "I miss you so much, we miss you so much." And we cried.

And then I woke up.


  1. Oh Becky, what a beautiful gift to you. Something like that happened to me after Mike passed away. I had been at the Children's Festival with David and Matthew. David had his face painted and he wanted to show his dad. I told him he could ask God to open a window in heaven so his dad could see him. David was quiet for a few moments and then he said God had opened a window and daddy was telling David he loved him and he loved me. I just wept. But it was healing to have that momentary connection, as bittersweet as it was. I pray that God will continue to heal you, little by little.

  2. What a really sweet dream in so many ways. It's so hard when we have to go on without a loved one that was an integral part of our lives. It's even harder when you have to catch yourself constantly realizing that the moments you want to share cannot be shared. It's nice that you got to have a chance to feel like you were able to share Hannah's growth with your dad. I hope that helps you heal emotionally. I don't know if you will ever get over losing your dad, but I do hope that someday you do get over feeling so lost, hopeless and sad about it. Your dad would want you to still be able to enjoy life and not feel guilty for having happy moments.


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