This World Is Not My Home?

I've been thinking about heaven a lot lately, for obvious reasons. And because I'm reading this book. (I think I borrowed it from Mom and Dad's house a few years ago, but never read it till now. Probably without asking first, don't tell Mom.)

Of course I find it comforting... To think of Dad there, with Grampa, and Johnny and Melissa's babies, and Mavis, and his uncle Henry. In one of the first chapters Don talks about arriving in heaven and being surrounded and greeted by people he loves and who love him, and how perfectly joyful he felt. I think about that a lot. I know as a Christian I'm supposed to have already had a longing for heaven, I'm supposed to view this world as only temporary, and I'm supposed to value heavenly pleasures above earthly ones, but honestly, I've never been very good at that.

It's just so hard to long for such an abstract place, especially when you set it beside such concrete happiness. The pleasure of my little boy's laughter, my baby's smile, their little arms wrapped around my neck, even just a really good book and a warm sun to read it under. There are moments of perfect bliss to be had on this earth and I have trouble imagining that I could be happier there than I am in my happiest moments here... Seriously, who REALLY thinks streets of gold can compare to a day at the beach? (Yes, I know that's over-simplifying things more than a little, but you get my drift.)

Till lately. Lately even the most wonderful moments hurt, at least a little. Lately I find my heart wishing to be gone from this world in a way it never has before. Not because there is nothing left for me here. Not because I don't still experience great happiness. But because I can finally imagine the abstract world of heaven offering me a moment completely perfect in joy.

I imagine seeing my dad healthy and happy and vital the way he was before he got sick. I imagine knowing that nothing can take him away from me again. I imagine the feel of his arms around me again, and his hand cupping the back of my head as he hugs me close, just like how he hugged me the morning he left for Seattle. And that's enough to make this girl finally long to go there more than I long for anything.

Not yet. I still have things to do, and people to love... But I'm longing a little.

(I have more to say, but that's it for tonight.)


  1. I felt that way a bit when Grandpa died. Not, obviously, with the same acuity, but a little. Then I had Bella and decided I'd still rather be here for a while :) How amazing will it be when we're all there together? When we're not waiting for anyone else to arrive (not that I think they're up there pining for us) but all there and knowing that it's nothing but endless moments like that for forever.


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