Further and Closer

Today while I was cleaning out Ben and Sam's colouring box and going through a big stack of pictures that they've drawn I found this picture: Dad and Ben made it together. I remember.

I remember googling pictures of race cars for them to copy. Red race cars. Of course. I remember Dad helping Ben draw it, and I remember them colouring it together.
I remember the sound of them, just the ordinary sound of the two of them together. I wonder when I will stop finding things like that picture. I'm scared of the day I will stop finding things.

Because every day that goes by without things like that, without Dad... I hate that. I hate knowing that I won't see him tomorrow. That he won't colour with Ben this week or next week or the week after. There won't be any new pictures.

And I today I thought about ten years from now.

I don't know where I'll be ten years from now but I can tell you one thing, in ten years I won't have seen my dad for ten years. Right now I feel like I can't make it that long. But I will. And I hate that a little. I hate every day that goes by, every week, every month, and I know I'll hate every year. Oh, not all of it, of course not all of it, just the part that is ten years further away from him. Just the part that's ten years away from the last time he drew a picture with Ben.

So I'm sobbing, and physically aching inside, and it's hard to catch my breath, and I miss him so much I feel like I could die, and I tell myself the only thing that makes it even a little better... Every minute and day is one minute and day further from Dad, but it's one minute and day closer to him too. Every day, every week, every month and year that I make it through without him, is one day closer to walking into his arms again, to feeling his hand cupping the back of my head again, to hearing him call me Rebekah again. And I'm closer to having all these minutes and days and years mean nothing compared to the minutes and days and years we have ahead of us.

I tell myself that. And sometimes it helps. And sometimes it doesn't.


  1. oh girlie. my heart just breaks for you - and i just wish so much i could just hug you & hug you & try to help some of this hurt go away. i love the image of it being one day CLOSER to him though...we have SO much to look forward too - and he's already enjoying it! :) and anxiously awaiting your reunion. i love you, i'm praying for you and i'm hugging you from far away.

  2. Oh I totally know how you feel. I just can't even imagine life in ten years. Ten whole years with no dad around. It sucks. No other way to describe it.
    And I think the hardest part for me is that my kids will have no Papa around here for that long. I know you feel the same way.
    I'm sorry you are feeling so sad.

    But yes, like you said, each day is another one without him yet one day closer to a reunion in Heaven.

    Hugs and praying for you Becky!


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