About Me

We all have things we hate about ourselves. One of the things I've hated for a long time is how emotional I am. I hate it that I cry when I get mad. It's humiliating. I also hate it that I cry (I've actually done this) at school assemblies when I'm subbing... Just because the children are so sweet. It's humiliating. I also hate how when I'm sad I cry A LOT. And I can't stop it.

I've had people call me a baby. And not just when I was in elementary school, or high school... In my adult life. When I was younger I always imagined that once I was older I'd be able to control my emotions better. I was so wrong. I still seem to have no control over when or where or why I cry. It's humiliating. I feel like a baby. Like I never grew up. And I often feel that it is a burden to the people who love me best. I hate that too.

The other day I was thinking about this email that I sent my dad last October 4th, (I am SO glad I sent it in time) and I remembered that he sent me one too a long time ago, before he was ever sick, back in that time that seems like a dream now, it really does. So I looked through the hundreds of emails in my inbox that had the words "John Braun" in them (you wouldn't think there would be so many, but all of the comments on the John Braun page come to my inbox) till I found the one I was thinking of. The subject line said "About You".

I didn't want to send this on your comments page. That sounds like I don't want
people to know how I feel about you, but that is not true. There are a couple of
things you left out in your "about me" section of your blog site.
You are also to quick to love, you wear your heart on your sleeve, you are
sometimes to quick to accept people without knowing them. You will help out
other people sometimes instead of doing something for yourself. Most people are
not so quick to give their love nor are they quick to forgive, which you are. A
person like you needs to have thick skin, which you don't. There-by, you are
easily hurt.
Let God knock off the sharp edges and the rough spots in your life, we all need
that, but do not look to change "Becky" into something she isn't. As your dad I
am proud of who you are, I am proud of the things you have accomplished. You are
many things to a lot of different people. You are a wife and lover to Glen.
(hard for a dad to write that word about his daughter, but easier to write than
say). You are a mother and so many things to my number 1 grandson. Your are a
sister, sister-in-law, aunty, teacher, freind, daughter and I can't think of
them all.
I love you and think you do a pretty good job at all of these things.
There is a lot more I could say and I will as my thoughts come to me, but right
now it is twenty after four and I need to go wash-up so I can go home with a
clean face.
Love
dad


If he had sent it as a comment on my blog it would have gone with this post, and a little while after he sent it he sent me another. The subject line was "crap crap crap crap crap". (Oh man. Just writing that makes me miss him SO much.)

Mom and I just got back from grocery shopping and driving along the road on the way home I realized that the note I sent you was nothing but a load of crap. Well, there were a few things in it that I think were accurate. Like you having a big heart and giving it freely, that's true. But the part about you getting hurt easy because of the way God made you is nothing but bunk. You hurt quicker than me but that is only because I have thicker skin than you do. You are not to blame though for getting hurt. That's like saying it is the British people's fault for having their subway bombed because they stood up against tyranny and genocide in Iraq. Sometimes as family we lash out at the ones we love the most. We would not think of saying the same things to casual acquaintances or people we just met, and yet because these are people we share everything with we think it gives us license to say whatever we want and to hell with the consequences. ( don't let Ben read this) I don't know when the time is right but lets drag those lumps out from under the carpet and really destroy them, not just flatten them enough so we don't trip on them anymore. I can be such a dummy sometimes.

I'm not sure Dad had a thicker skin than I do. Maybe. He sure didn't cry as often as I do. All I know is he understood me better than almost anyone in the world, probably because we are a lot alike. And there's something else too. Something I've been learning this year, sort of.

I like the emotional people in my life. A lot. Some of my very favourite people, including my dad, could be called over-emotional at certain times in their lives. Maybe the reason I like them is because they're like me, or maybe I like them because there are some really beautiful qualities that come with being really emotional... Things like empathy, and generosity, and honesty, and a heart that is open and tender. Ben is like that. I love those things about him. Eliisha is like that too. She is one of the most compassionate and giving people I know. Because she is sensitive herself, she is also sensitive to what the people around her are feeling.

And my dad had that same sort of heart. Passionate and loving and generous. I'm starting to think that it is a terrible thing to hate in myself all those qualities that I admired and loved most about my dad.

I love these emails he sent me. I love how he quickly sent the first one off before he left work, I love picturing him in his office there, in his coveralls probably, typing away and then sending it before he left and picked up Mom. I love how he thought he had botched it all up, and then the subject line... I love that subject line. Probably because I've been there a million times, us emotional people tend to spout off and then regret it later. And he had no reason to regret it. The things he said in that first email... I have no words. I'll just say that I know how lucky I am to have something like that from my dad. I know there are many people who would kill to hear anything like that from their fathers, and they never get it.

My dad made me feel lucky. And loved. And accepted for who I was. Oh, not all the time. Sometimes he ticked me off like no one else could. But I wouldn't change a thing about him, and I know he would roll his eyes if he heard me say something like that. I know he thought he had a lot to change... I think I have a lot to change too. I do have a lot to change, but I'm starting to understand that some of those things that I've been trying my whole life to change are the things that make me "Becky", and they are the things that my dad loved best about me.

I miss him so much.

Comments

  1. I've always hated that about myself, too. It is so embarrassing to be crying when the WHOLE rest of the audience is smiling and enjoying what they are seeing. My children's piano recitals were so wonderful to hear, but I always felt like I wasn't enjoying them like the other parents who cried and could actually speak to their kids afterwards without it sticking in their throat. It always made it hard for me to be able to express myself when I was proud of someone. And like on that day when I left Good Spirit Lake and Ben gave me Luigi and Sammy gave me Mike and Ike's. I wanted to say thank you and jump out and hug them really tight because I knew it would be awhile before I see them again, but I couldn't even get the "thank you" out of my mouth out loud. I so know exactly what you mean and you make me realize we should be happy to be who we are. I would much rather be too emotional than not emotional at all. We should be proud of who we are, even if it makes us cry to be it! To heck with all those unemotional twits out there! We RULE!
    I love you, Becky, and I hope you will start writing more. Miss you! Miss all of you!


    chyriz (is that code for cheers?)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I found this blog randomly this evening, as I was crying to myself and scrolling aimlessly through blogs. Once I read the fateful(?) first post, my tears turned into bittersweet ones for the poignant words you have written. I think I can stop crying for today. Thank you

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm too emotional too. I cry, and get angry, and hopeful, and excited and EVERYTHING much too easily. I never thought of it that way though, that a lot of the people I love best in the world are exactly like that. And so many of the things that I try to push myself to be, are actually characteristics that I don't exactly like in others. Why do we do that?

    Thanks for this, it's a beautiful post, and really spoke to me :)I love you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ah Becky. One of the things I love the MOST about you is your emotions. And your tears. It draws me to you even more than your awesome laughter and creativity. And even more than our mutual love of prime time TV. I am glad you are going to embrace that side of you. Cause it is AWESOME. Love you.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Becky needs"

Last Year

Another One For My List