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Showing posts from October, 2012

Happy New Year

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Ever since we lost Dad I've stopped counting January first as the start of a new year. I count my years starting on October ninth. Or maybe finishing would be more accurate. It's another year that I've made it through without him here. And this one was a doozer. I'm so glad it's over. I feel like this next one will be better. It HAS to be better. I just have to make it through the rest of today. And honestly, not counting the October ninth that we actually had to say goodbye to Dad, this one was by far and away the hardest. Actually, the pain seems almost worse now than it did then, because I know what it is to be without him now. I didn't know then. I didn't know what our lives would look like without him.

I thought all day about what I'd like to write today. I didn't come up with anything. I kept opening up the screen for a new post and staring at it, trying to find words to explain the pain of today, but I couldn't find them.

So I looked at so…

It's Time

Three years ago today we spent our last full day with Dad. This was the last day he told us he loves us. A lot. This was the last time he told me, "Don't go there Becky" when he noticed me crying in the corner of his ICU room. This was the day I brought him the picture Ben had drawn of them fishing and he cried because he missed him so much. This was the day he couldn't take anymore and he told Mom and the doctors and nurses he was done with all the needles and treatments and machines. This was the day I begged him to stay, to come home with us, to fight. This was the day he promised to keep trying. For us. 

It haunts me a little, how much I asked of him that day, how much I was willing to let him suffer as long as it meant we could keep him. And it does comfort me that he was STILL willing to do that. He never chose to leave us. Through all of the pain, and sickness, and fear, and humiliation, he fought.

Which brings me to why I've chosen, for now, to make my blog…