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Showing posts from June, 2013

Why Think When You Can Pin?

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Holy moly, do I love Pinterest. There are so many great ideas on there, that I could conceivably never have to think again. It led me to this great tutorial to make magnets from those little clear rock things that you can put in vases, and teachers like to use as math counters...


And bam! Cheap and cute teacher's gift the kids can make themselves, and I can package so they look all adorable. I never would have thought of this on my own. (Or this, for our principal. We did that too.)

Tonight I'm using some printables I snagged off of Pinterest to make summer journals for the kids to write in while we're on vacation. Tomorrow I'm going to put together the nifty fire starters I found for camping... It never ends, I tell ya.

I love not thinking. It's fab.

Defender

I talked to a close friend of my dad's about all of this mom stuff a few nights ago. I knew what he would say, but I still wanted to hear him say it... I knew my dad. Any mistakes he had made were covered by the blood of Christ. He was a changed man, and what I saw, what we all saw, was who Dad was.

But first he said something else, and it resonated with me. It convicted me. Right off the start he said I needed to grasp and hold onto the truth that God is my defender.

I have trouble with that. If I see something that I feel is wrong, or unfair I often take it on as my resonsibility to fix it. I find it incredibly difficult to sit on the sidelines when someone is breaking the rules. This can be one of my strengths, because I am one of those people who takes action and tries to stand up for what is right. It can spur me on to help people who are suffering.

But, it can also be one of my biggest weaknesses. It can make me judgemental. It can make me critical. It can even make me int…

Sunday is No-Funday

I had to move my counter back again.

I'm on a losing streak. Two Sundays in a row. Next Sunday either we're not going to church, or Glen is going to need to do Hannah's hair.

OR I'm going to have to learn to be a grown-up when Hannah starts swinging her head around like she's watching a tennis match.

Whichever.

Crazy, Stupid, Love

I watched Crazy, Stupid, Love tonight.  What a great movie! I laughed, I cried, it moved me Bob. (Gold star to the person identifies the episode that quote comes from.) But seriously, it moved me. I think maybe it was just the right movie for me to watch tonight. I think there was something I needed to hear, to think. Ever since getting my mom's horrible letter something has been changing inside me. Melting, is maybe a better word. And I was ready to hear something.

"I have loved her even when I hated her... only married couples'll understand that one..."

I've screamed "I hate you!" at Glen in a lot of fights. Not until fairly recently, but once it was out the first time it got a lot easier, and came a lot more often. In my head, if I hated him I couldn't love him. In my head that part of me was gone. I'd fought hating him for so long, I'd held onto loving him, to TRYING for so long. And I was tired. So I gave up. And I hated him. And in ma…

Divide and Conquer

It's that time of month again people.

I say this, not to explain my post from yesterday, but to explain why tonight I did something different. Here's some more background information: It's hot out. I'm crampy. I'm grumpy. I had a long day of subbing. The house is a mess and it's hot out. (I mentioned that already, but don't you think a messy house is worse when it's hot out? I do. I can't explain why...) And I feel the usual monthly migraine coming on. Right now it's still just my neck, but it's coming and all I want is to lie all still in a cool, quiet, dark, CLEAN room.

Since it's June, off-loading the kids on Glen and disappearing isn't an option. No quiet dark room for me. So, I had to come up with a plan. And it worked so well I wanted to share it here. I bet you can guess what it was.

Divide.

The kids have taekwondo on Tuesdays, which means they come home from school, have a quick snack, go to taekwondo, come home, BATH, eat, …

My Downfall

I knew it.

I knew eventually doing Hannah's hair would be my downfall. There's only so many times a mom can tell a kid to stop moving their head before they yell it... "HANNAH, FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING GOOD AND DECENT AND ADORABLE... HOLD!!! STILL!!!"

And it's not just the fact that I have to say it over and over. Every now and then when I tell Hannah to hold still for some reason her brain translates my words as "Hey kid, shake your head from side to side a whole bunch really fast." I don't know why this happens, but I do know it makes me crazy. I also know it takes a LOT of intense concentration to resist yelling in this circumstance. I'm getting really good at it, as my previous 35 days without yelling can attest to. 

BUT, every now and then she does that AND I'm in a really big hurry. It's the perfect storm. This is what happened yesterday before church.

So I'm back down to zero. I yelled... And not just my exasperated yell, my me…

Worries

It's a little after 10 pm. The kids have been in bed for an hour and a half. And Ben comes down the stairs. His lip is quivering.

When his lip quivers my heart always breaks.

I open my arms and he comes and lays beside me on the couch. His head rests on my chest and he's crying. He's worried. He figures he only has 18 years left with Fritti before Fritti dies. And then I can't understand what he's saying. I rub his back while his tears soak into my shirt, and I wait till he can talk again.

He doesn't want to move away from home. He only has 10 more years to live with us, he says. And then more tears. And more words I can't understand. I stroke his back some more, and wait a little longer till he runs out of things to say.

And then I tell him he can live with us as long as he wants. I tell him we will never make him leave. He only has to move out when he's ready.

And I think of the day when he will be ready. I know he'll be ready long before I will…

I Don't Get It

So.

I want to finish this story. I thought I actually had. It went like this: A bunch of crap happened between my mom and me. I got mad. I told off my mom and Dave. I said something I shouldn't have. She wrote me a horrible letter. She said stuff she shouldn't have. I burned it. She said she just wanted to live in peace and I was okay with that. Done.

Then she called Gramma. My dad's mom. And she continued her efforts to drag the past into the present by telling gramma the things she'd told me in the letter and then some. She also made sure to explain to my gramma how awful I've been. And then she told my gramma all... ALL of the things I'd ever told my mom about my marriage in confidence, years ago when things were at their worst. Things I haven't told other people. Not just things about me. Things about Glen.

She also called my aunt. And I...

I mean, why?

What could possibly motivate a person to do something so hurtful? I have a few theories, but honestly, …

And Then I Did This

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And I felt much better.

And then I tripped over the gas can that I had carefully set away from the fire. And then I thought I should probably do something about the gas that had spilled on the lawn so that the next time we have a fire a spark doesn't set off the gasoline under someone's lawnchair. So then I lit the ground on fire. Which would have been a better plan if a little trail of spilled gasoline leading to the nearby can hadn't also lit on fire and then lit the gas can on fire. So then I tried to pour the fire out of the gas can onto a nearby flower bed. That didn't work. So then I ran around the yard a little with the flaming gas can in my hand looking for something to smother the flames with. I found a piece of cardboard. That worked. So then I just had to put out the fires in the flowerbed and lawn. Which I did. But then I rememebered my original concern about the lawn starting on fire from a spark. So then I lit the lawn and the flower bed back on fire and …

Letters

I wrote a letter to my mom after I called her on the phone the other day and blew up at her and Dave. I left it on my computer for a few days so I could edit it before I sent it. I wanted to make sure I didn't say anything I'd regret.

Here it is: (I've taken out a few things that mention how Mom has treated other members of my family, for obvious reasons.) 
Mom, 

I'm sorry I said **** off. Not because I didn't mean it, and really I meant it more for Dave and his intrusion in the phone call than for you, but I regret that I said it. Partly because it's not a nice thing to say, but mostly because it means I let this situation get the best of me and I let my anger speak for me. Again. And that wasn't the plan when I called. The plan was to calmly tell you what I think of who you have become, before I close the door on this part of my life. And I did that. 

I'm pretty sure you didn't listen to any of it though. So here is what I wanted to say. First, I…

I'm Done

I yelled today. But I'm not turning back my counter.

First off, let me just say that I believe no one should ever have to choose between their spouse and their children. Love should be multiplied, not divided. (Gold star to the person who knows where I got that line from.) But that choice has been made. By my mom. Over and over.

I haven't really written about it here because I think some things should stay private. I try to think about my kids reading my blog someday in the future. Would I be okay with my kids reading about all the nasty things I have to say about their grandmother? And then, would I be okay with my mom reading those same things? Up until today, the answer to that question was, "No."

I don't feel the same way anymore.

So prepare yourself for the whole story. I've told it to some of you, with many tears, and frequent breaks for chocolate or hugs or laughs. I'd like to write it out though, once and for all. Like a purge.

I'm done with …