Crazy, Stupid, Love


I watched Crazy, Stupid, Love tonight.  What a great movie! I laughed, I cried, it moved me Bob. (Gold star to the person identifies the episode that quote comes from.) But seriously, it moved me. I think maybe it was just the right movie for me to watch tonight. I think there was something I needed to hear, to think. Ever since getting my mom's horrible letter something has been changing inside me. Melting, is maybe a better word. And I was ready to hear something.

"I have loved her even when I hated her... only married couples'll understand that one..."

I've screamed "I hate you!" at Glen in a lot of fights. Not until fairly recently, but once it was out the first time it got a lot easier, and came a lot more often. In my head, if I hated him I couldn't love him. In my head that part of me was gone. I'd fought hating him for so long, I'd held onto loving him, to TRYING for so long. And I was tired. So I gave up. And I hated him. And in many ways, it was a huge relief.

It never occurred to me that love could survive that kind of hate... Because I didn't want it to maybe. Or because I don't put that much faith into anything anymore. Loving is hard. Hope is HARD and it HURTS when, well, you know. I know I've said that before. That hoping Dad would be okay HURT. That hoping God would come through HURT. I feel the same about my marriage. In many ways giving up has been easier. And for a long time I've been a coward.

But lately, new thoughts have been finding their way to the surface. If Dad could do the things my mom said he did, and still be the person I loved, the person I LOVE, then maybe couldn't I find that same kind of knowingly blind love for Glen? Were the things Glen has done any worse than the things Dad did? If I keep hating him the way I do, will I end up like my mom? I know I've said that I am too tired to try again, that Glen has let me down too many times, and it's stupid to keep hoping something will change... but what if I gave up one time too early? What if the very next try was the one that made all the difference, and I quit and let all that happiness go (and not just our happiness, but our kids' happiness) because I was too tired and too scared to try again.

And what if, all along, I loved him, even when I hated him?

What then?

Comments

  1. Oh Becky. Goosebumps.

    LarryBoy...Bob and Larry discussing the brilliant Dave and the Giant Pickle.

    And the rest we will discuss when I get there.

    (Shirley)

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  2. So, you know, don't you that love and hate are not opposites. It is a good thing if you still hate Glen because Hate is Love negatively expressed. Just think about that for awhile. You can't really put the whole, real emotion of HATE into place for someone you don't really care about. You can't truly HATE a stranger. We use the word hate, but it is inaccurate much of the time. Indifference is the opposite of Love. Indifference will kill a relationship much faster than hate because with hate you still have really strong feelings. With indifference you really have nothing.
    When you hate someone it is often with vehemence and anger because of the frustration experienced when you feel like you are loving in vain or that you are not being loved in the way you need or want. During these times you are just allowing the negative side of your feelings to show instead of the positive side. Once you get on the road to this negative expression of your love it is difficult to regain the positives because your view becomes skewed by the negatives. This is why counseling often can work to turn things around. It forces you to start seeing the positives again. You can do this without counseling though, if you like. I have read several really good articles about things like this recently. If you would like me to send you the links let me know and I will private message them to you on Facebook.

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  3. I stumbled across your blog today and related to your feelings, although it was 22 years ago that I felt them. My Dad also died of cancer just after his 70th birthday and I was 32. My world came tumbling down and my marriage just spiraled ... it took 2 years before things leveled out. I finally regained respect for him, as a man and human being. I could also see that I was no Princess in my grief and for me it took 2 years. Henry never wavered in his love and support of me although at the time I could not see it.
    So I guess what I am saying is give it some time, we will celebrate our 28th anniversary in February.
    Take care
    Janet

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  4. You are very brave opening yourself up for us to see your pain and conflicting emotions. I wish I could find the courage to do that. But I write it privately, to myself, and often after I read it back to myself, I burn it because I can't risk the person I am writing about finding it. A very wise friend and social worker once told me that when one of my kids told me they hated me, I should know that the reason they can tell you that is because they trust me not to run away and leave them.

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