Defender

I talked to a close friend of my dad's about all of this mom stuff a few nights ago. I knew what he would say, but I still wanted to hear him say it... I knew my dad. Any mistakes he had made were covered by the blood of Christ. He was a changed man, and what I saw, what we all saw, was who Dad was.

But first he said something else, and it resonated with me. It convicted me. Right off the start he said I needed to grasp and hold onto the truth that God is my defender.

I have trouble with that. If I see something that I feel is wrong, or unfair I often take it on as my resonsibility to fix it. I find it incredibly difficult to sit on the sidelines when someone is breaking the rules. This can be one of my strengths, because I am one of those people who takes action and tries to stand up for what is right. It can spur me on to help people who are suffering.

But, it can also be one of my biggest weaknesses. It can make me judgemental. It can make me critical. It can even make me into a busybody, butting in when the injury isn't mine. I have a really hard time seeing a wrong go unnoticed, unremarked-on, unpunished.

So when all of this stuff started happening with my mom, guess who thought it was her job to make it right? And when my mom started dragging my dad's past mistakes into the open, and blaming us for her distance from us, guess who thought it was her job to defend us? But it's not my job.

I know my heart, and I knew my dad's heart, and so does God. He knows. And if it's right, then it's right. And that's it. That needs to be enough.

I'm not saying I should never have tried to make my mom see what she was doing or told her how I was feeling. I'm saying I wish I had approached it with that assurance in my heart. Maybe if I had, my anger wouldn't have got the best of me. Maybe I wouldn't have felt so frustrated that I wasn't getting through to her, that none of us have got through to her for almost two years now. It's incredibly frustrating to feel like you are failing at something you think it's your job to do. When you feel like you MUST succeed, or all is lost.

If God is my defender, then all I can do is all I can do, and that's enough. The rest is in His hands. All is not lost just because I've failed. It's not my job to make my mom see, to convict her, to punish her for the ways she's hurt me and my family.

So I rewrote my letter again, this time much shorter. This time I left out all of my defenses for my actions. I left out the explanations for the things she's accused me of that weren't accurate. I left out the lists of hurts and proofs. Not that my second letter was a bad letter, but it was written with the belief that it was my job to get through to her, and it's not.

It's not my job... It's not!!!!!

I don't know how I missed it, but thanks to God, it's not.

Comments

  1. Although I haven't commented on each post, I have read all of them. I fell like Cindi though...all of my words seem trite in a situation like this. I'm so glad you talked to this friend..even though you knew the truth.
    I really just wanted to tell you that my heart breaks for you and for your kids and when I think of you guys and all of this mess, I will say a prayer for you all.
    I also admire your wisdom and strength in spite of all the pain.
    Love Anutie Mitz

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well, said, Mitz. And good revelation there, Becky. I have the same problem, but I changed, too, on that. I realized it is not my job to set all the wrong things in the world right. I don't even correct the stupid people at work anymore when they make glaringly stupid assumptions or remarks. What do I care if they are stupid?
    If they are not directly asking me or including me in their problem, I just say to myself that it is not my job to enlighten them. If they want to take the long way around...not my problem. If they think that pushing the button on the time clock makes the time go faster...so be it. I've explained it to them a hundred times. It's a clock. It keeps time. That is it's job. But they still insist that pushing the clear button makes the time go faster. So I explain to them that the time cannot go faster...sigh. The reason it seems to go faster is because they are occupying THEIR time. And when the time changes to 7:23...the time at which we can clock in to work...they say, "SEE?" to me. And I sigh. That is just one example. And now when I see them pushing the button I just turn and pretend not to notice. It's not my job. They simply don't want to be enlightened. hahaha...I need to go to bed. I'm getting rummy. But I wanted to read all these blogs I just saw that you posted.

    ReplyDelete
  3. It's no surprise that both of us would have this problem, it it? lol.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Becky needs"

Last Year

Another One For My List