It's a little after 10 pm. The kids have been in bed for an hour and a half. And Ben comes down the stairs. His lip is quivering.

When his lip quivers my heart always breaks.

I open my arms and he comes and lays beside me on the couch. His head rests on my chest and he's crying. He's worried. He figures he only has 18 years left with Fritti before Fritti dies. And then I can't understand what he's saying. I rub his back while his tears soak into my shirt, and I wait till he can talk again.

He doesn't want to move away from home. He only has 10 more years to live with us, he says. And then more tears. And more words I can't understand. I stroke his back some more, and wait a little longer till he runs out of things to say.

And then I tell him he can live with us as long as he wants. I tell him we will never make him leave. He only has to move out when he's ready.

And I think of the day when he will be ready. I know he'll be ready long before I will. I imagine I will send him on his way and think of the night he came down the stairs in the Transformer pajamas that are too small so that his ankles and wrists hang out. I'll remember lying on the couch with my arms around my little boy who just wants to stay with his mommy and daddy in our house forever...


I want him to stay with his mommy and daddy in our house forever.


  1. What a seetie!! You have really great kids! You're doing a great jb Becky!! And way to go on 33 days!!

  2. Emma has been talking about death alot lately -- it's wild how reflective she's become about it. It's given me all sorts of challenges in terms of how we talk about it, too.

  3. Some days being Mommy is more than I feel equipped for. Much more.

  4. I want to frame this piece of literary art and hang it on my wall. SJ

  5. Oh, he's like Jeren. Jeren was so much like that...always thinking ahead. Always worried about the future and how he would cope. Never looking forward to the changes that life brings. Hanging on to his childhood things. Which is why I still have his stick pony that Daelin and Aria ride now. My sweet Jeren, who burst into tears on the way home from the library when he was six. And when I questioned him fell apart and asked me this, "What will I do for food?"
    And I said, "What are you talking about?"
    And he said, "What will I do for food on my first day?"
    And I said, "What are you talking about, Jeren? What first day?"
    And he said, "What will I do for food on my first day in my new apartment?"
    He was six and worrying already about how he would make it as a grown-up. Those moments never leave you.

    1. I think Ben gets it from me... Wanting things to stay just as they are... Maybe it's because things lately haven't been changing for the better very often at all. Must try to change that.


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