Showing posts from October, 2013


I remember the day of Mavis' funeral. I remember the weather was beautiful. The reason I know this for sure is I remember riding in the back of Dad's car out to the graveyard and looking out the window at the blue sky and everyone driving to wherever and thinking how wrong it was. Everyone was just going on about their business like nothing had happened. The whole world was happy, and it shouldn't have been. Someone really special was gone, and I wanted people to notice.

At least, at LEAST, it should have rained.

When I asked people on facebook to send stories about Dad, it really was all about the stories. I wanted to laugh and remember Dad. I wanted to maybe even find out something about his life that I hadn't known before. But when all the stories came in and I felt better I realized something. Although I loved reading them, it wasn't the stories that were making me feel better. It was the rain.

Outside, the sky was blue, the fall leaves were beautiful, people…


This is now the week I spend in the past every year. (Actually, it's probably more accurate to say that this is the month I spend in the past.) I wish, and I hope that soon, more of it will be spent in the happier years, but still four years later I find myself spending most of it in 2009.

I think about the phone calls.

I think about the ones that were fun, and normal. I think about telling Dad about how Sam snuck a fudgesicle and then told me he hadn't with chocolate all over his face. I think about him skyping with Ben, eating cheezies and making faces. I think about being able to hear his voice and feel like things would be okay. I miss that feeling... That everything would be okay. I haven't felt that way since he died.

I think about the really hard phone calls too.

I think about the night that Mom called in the early morning hours and how terrified I was to answer, only to find out he was okay physically, but upset and needing someone to talk to... Someone to distra…